Maaf zahir batin

Maybe I'm just being oversensitive.

Maybe this festive Raya season stress is affecting all of us.

Maybe its the 3 days of not sleeping well.

But when she said 'aku tak minta pun', i bit my lips so hard to stop myself from bursting into tears that it bled.

We thought maybe she would be miserable this raya, so Doreen hatched a plan to surprise her with a raya feast on pagi raya. So off we went early yesterday morning till sundown to the City Centre to buy ingredients for rendang, pulut kuning, kuah kacang (cos she said she always have that on raya mornings) chicken kurma and banana cake.

We cooked until 6something in the morning, my feet were killing me by the time i washed everything up.

And that morning, when we saw her so happy, we thought, oh berbaloi la our usaha.

But for her to say that, just because I pointed out that my feet also hurts really badly because she was complaining about how horribly tiring it is to have to boil nasi himpit for tomorrow's feast really hurt.

She was probably tired, and cranky, and I'm probably just very sensitive from the lack of sleep. But it was as if someone took my heart and squeezed it so hard that I couldn't breathe.

I mumbled something about having to check on my other cakes and went out for a walk, but stopped by Linda's place to get something. Doreen was there as well and I was just going to complain about it, but I burst into tears before I could begin.

How silly is that?

It felt good to cry though, after that I could go back and bake the cakes at her place like nothing happened.

But seriously, once bitten, forever shy. I don't think I want to be so kindhearted to anybody anymore.

You know when they say, when you do something good for somebody, don't expect anything in return. But you do, don't you? To a certain extent. You expect them to appreciate it, you expect I don't know what, but you do expect something back.

People are selfish. Sometimes you do something good for someone not because they need it or anything, but sometimes its because you feel like doing something good as it makes you feel good about yourself. Sometimes the receiver is secondary. Its more like the giver wants to do something than the receiver needing/deserving it. You do things because it makes you feel good, although you want to deny it.

When we make someone else happy, we're pleased and happy with ourselves. Isn't that feeling pleased and happy with ourselves the main motivation of our doing good? Its so behaviourist, so Pavlovian sometimes.

Skinner and Thorndike got it right. If someone does something, and the consequences of the behaviour is pleasant, it reinforces them to repeat it again. Vice versa if someone gets an unpleasant experience from doing something. They just won't do it again.

I need to sleep.

So many things happening that I don't have time to think anymore.

10 minute microwave chocolate cake

Monday had our final potluck at Linda's place (I made a 10 minute microwave choc cake, then went for Halloween Party at Walkabout. I was part witch, part dominatrix, part devil.

Linda & Doreen helped with the makeup

David was a cowboy but we exchanged headgears*

With Gabby, Trudi & Eva

The drunken Mr Wong*

huddled with Abe for warmth cos I didn't bring a jacket!**

Tuesday baked a vegan apple pie for Bansi for Deepavali. Then cooked lemon chicken for dinner with the guys opposite my house.

Vegan apple pie

Then spent the night at Doreen's room watching DVDs and eating more of the chocolate that Wong gave, and then some more of the choc coated Brazillian nuts that Odil gave me (i think i go over looking for chocolate wayyyy too often that he knows what kinds of chocs i like (bitter dark Valrhona please!) and which ones i hate).

Doreen complains that I hog blankets.

Tonight I sleep alone after a week of squeezing on a single bed with at least one other person.

My tiny bed almost seems too big and cold.

I miss Kooky the huge teddy bear Weng Weng gave me.

*pics courtesy of Wong.
**pic courtesy of Abe