I *HATE* LONDON

Its super damn miserable here.

I used to think I like London... but you know what? I'd rather be at home, in my room, in Plymouth, anytime.

Then I realised something... the only reason why I used to enjoy coming to London was because my friends were here.

Its not the place that makes a place nice to visit... its the people.

Seriously no fun being in a big city alone... I've never felt loneliness like this before. It's as if no one cares whether I live or die here.

Yesterday I was so homesick I cried.

I wanted to call some of my friends to talk, but no one picked up... except for Kak Zah. At first it was supposed to be a cheery 'hey how are you, long time no hear' kind of thing, but I started crying just as I said hello.

I guess she was shocked. But it was nice to hear a familliar voice.

I don't even feel like going to Essex anymore.

I just want to go home.

Home to Plymouth.

Or better yet, home to Taiping. I can't wait to see Abul and Munir, and the other girls. I can't wait to meet up with Zul and Syucks when they come to London and see them off at the airport. I'll so so so miss them when they go back to Malaysia.

They say home is where the heart is... I don't know where my heart is. My heart isn't grounded to anywhere, or anything.

I guess its like the dandelion seeds, going wherever the wind blows.

I wish I knew more people in UK...

I wish I had family here. Family, not the kind that have to be related, cos they can seem like strangers sometime, but a family of friends where I know that no matter what happens, we can depend on each other. The 'Ohana' kind - where nobody gets left behind, nor forgotten.

Like my circle of friends back in KL...

Is that possible here? In a strange land? Surrounded with strange people?

Isn't it funny how you can be surrounded by people you know, and yet feel so heartachingly lonely.. and how sometimes just being with just a few people can make you feel so safe, so secure, so... at home and comfortable?

Oh well, I guess I just have to be strong.

Just two years here. It'll pass in a blink of an eye, I hope.

And when this is all over... I can say with conviction that there's just no place like home.

Dear God, please let this be all over soon. If not, please send me friends who can make this more bearable. And God, please let them be able to drink as well. If its not too much to ask of You.

melancholy and the infinite sadness

2 years from now, I'll be back in Malaysia. Back with my friends. Back with my family.

But it wouldn't be the same, would it?

Nothing will be the same.

Maybe I'm chasing shadows... maybe I'm longing for what used to be.

Maybe I'm just clinging to memories.

I don't know.

I miss home. But I don't know where 'home' is.

Sometimes I just want to give up.

I wanna go home!!!

London again.

This time, I'm at lost at what to do here... coming here alone and all, no one to go out with.

I wish my London friends didn't go home for their hols.

Wondering what I'm doing here... sigh.

Sad lah.

I wanna go homeeeeeeeee....

Lady Luck's Golden Child

Eh, I'm so lucky weiiiiii...

Case in point, today.

Supposed to be at the departure point 10 minutes before 9.15am to get to Sheffield. Han Sien bought me my ticket, but Mikael's printer wasn't working, so had to go to the Manchester Uni library to print my ticket... but the library was only open at 8.30am... and the uni is like 30 minutes away by bus to the bus station at the City Centre.

So we had a mad dash for the bus. The bus to the city centre arrived at 9.44, I tried calling National Express to amend my ticket but the next bus was for 2.45 pm, so wasn't too keen on that, so decided against it.

By the time we reach the city centre, it was a it was 9.10am and a 2 km dash to the Chorlton Street bus station. Han Sien was like damn worried that I'd miss my bus so dashed ahead of me to kinda like delay the bus for me, and I was sprinting as if my life depended on it, in my super treasured pink and gold 3 inch heels.

Wah, that time don't know the meaning of tiredness, don't know the meaning of pain adi lorr...

Run like siao lang.

Was like thanking God for the sports training in school. Worked muscles I forgot existed.

Of course everyone was looking at us as we ran la... seriously damn fast.

By the time we reached the bus station it was 9.22am... almost lost hope.

But wonder of wonders, the bus was still there!!!!!

Apparently the bus driver had a tummyache.

So we had 10 minutes to catch our breaths. Damn siao. I even had time to buy Evian.

Mikael and Han Sien were shaking their heads at wonderment, saying how they couldn't believe how lucky I was...

Hey, its because I prayed like never before and promised God that I'll be good, ok? Or at least, as good as I can be.

Another incident...

Did I tell you that Mikael doesn't have internet connection and hardly ever checks his email?

Its a wonder that he checked his email and immediately called me about staying at his place... if not I'd still be staying at the Sachas Hotel with no one to bring me around Manchester adi lorr...

So yeah, I'm happy.

I may not win lotteries and whatever not.

But wahey, when it comes to desparate times, somehow, someway, lady luck seem to be smiling on me.

And for that, i'm ever thankful.

Am in Manchester now!!

13 hours in the bus... is no joke. My whole body aching already. Never again shall I put off buying train tickets.

Anyways, it wasn't too bad a journey. I sat with an Iranian guy on the way here... at first I wasn't too happy cos he kinda had a bit of a BO, the bus was so stuffy as the aircon wasn't working too well, and was also feeling nauseous.

So bad mood weii...

Anyway, later during the trip we started talking, about Manchester, about friends and all that. He's been living in Manchester since 1999, working here and all. We talked about bakhlava, shisha, Egypt, Harrods and all that, it was cool. He was quite surprised that I knew so much about the Arabian culture (and food - basically food, haha!).

We also talked about the war in Iran... imagine what its like, to wonder if your close friends and family are going to come back everytime they step out of the house?

Can you?

I shudder when I think about it.

Anyways, he was really nice... I forgot to bring my friend Mikael's number, and I'm supposed to be staying over at his place when Yen leaves! Sigh. Actually I forgot to bring so many things - wifi card, handbag, shorts, earrings, perfume, haiyo!! kek sei. Anyway, am sidetracking.

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, I didn't bring Mikael's number!!!! Die die die. Nevermind, worst comes to worst, stay with Algene at Sheffield, or see if Wai Ying is still around in Manchester - if I can email her. Aiks!Sidetracked again.

Yah, so Wahab, that Iranian guy, was kinda worried for me. But I assured him that I had a place to stay for the next two days, so he was kinda relieved. He brought me to the hotel, helped carry my bags, and accompanied me until Sue Yen came to get me, and after that he went missing. Didn't even get a chance to thank him...

Maybe it's just one of those 'guardian angel' moments; where somehow, someway, someone out there is there to help you in little ways when you're in stuck in a situation.

And I've had so many of those moments. *thanks God*

My parents have always warned me about strangers. And perhaps I'm being naive... but I think sometimes, mere strangers can be more helpful and more caring than some of your friends.

And what are strangers, if not friends yet to be discovered?

Of course don't simply trust any Tom, Dick or Harry la... but I trust my judgement in people and so far, I've never been wrong. So many many many of my good friends I met by chance events such as this.

Its sad that in this world today, people are just so suspicious of each other.

Hell I believe in the good in people.

And you know what?

I'd rather die believing in the inherent goodness in people than live a cynical life suspicious of others.

I'm so exhausted, but Yen wants to go for the Starbucks Jazz Festival, and wahey, I'm not going to miss out on my yearly Jazz Fests either!!

I wonder if it'll be like the ones at Mont Kiara... mygosh, love love love the jazzfests back home.

Signing off now.

You guys take care.

[edit: Haish, no Jazz Fest tonight... its next month, not this month. Yeesh]

Packety pack pack

Am off to Manchester tomorrow!!

Whoopedee doo da, whoopedee dee!

So yah, shall be there until the 28th, and then to London until the 1st of July and then head to Essex until I feel like coming back to Plymouth. Teehee.

I love the summer holidays.

* * *

Carrie

"I've spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live?

I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes!"

Ah yes.

I am guilty as charged for being a shoe-a-holic

In the month of JUNE alone I bought

8 PAIRS OF SHOES

2 x Pink
2 x Black
Red
BabyBlue
Brown
NavyBlue

these are the ones i got from London

OOH!!

Which ones should I bring to Manchester with me?

decisions, decisions

Tough being me

*wink*

Oh how apt!

There's an old saying that insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result every time. Is there anything in your life that continually doesn't come up the way it should, and yet you keep going through the same motions? It's nice to live in hope, but at this point you may need to examine some of the deeper motivations behind your actions. In that way, you can change them.

PS: It's super sweltering here, and I feel like I'm a-meltering. Weather forecasts say that it's gonna be one of the hottest summers UK's ever faced. Now listen to this, I have no air cond, no fan... sigh, the only option would be to shed layers of clothing, teehee.

*fans self with hand*

"Is it hot in here, or is it just me?". I know, it's so corny. Couldn't help it.

*phew*

Finished my portfolio. It's not all that great, but I am at the point where I just couldn't be assed about the portfolio anymore.

Damn stress just now.

Needed to print, and guess what happened?

I found out that I bought an ENTIRE BOX of the WRONG print cartridges.

Supposed to get BCI-24, and what did I get? BCI-21.

Damn kek sei.

So now, anyone wants a box of BCI-21 print cartridges? It's got 5 black cartridges and a colour cartridge.

There are some things that made my day today.

Like the fact that I've got the nicest housemates - Farah and Shin Yee.

Farah is a gem. She covered for me at the SMART meeting while I jollied my time away in London. I know, me bad. Plus she helped me with my mapping sheets. And made garlic bread for me cos I hadn't had anything to eat the whole day.

And Shin Yee? She gave me suggestions on how to organise my file, knowing that I've no sense of organisation whatsoever. And she also went to the library to help me photocopy some stuff.

Sweet gals, aren't they? This picture was taken at Shin Yee's surprise b'day bash.



And now, I shall start mugging for the exam!

I didn't realise how much work I had to do...

... until I started doing it...

*squeak*

Eeyikes!!

so sleepy i wanna sleep i wanna sleep

but no, gambatte ne, i need to finish the portfolio before mugging for the exam

why oh why must it be on the same day?!!

ishh...

serves me right for being the procrastination queen that i am

A Midsummer Evening's Rambling

June 21st - Summer Solstice

Today is it. The longest day of the year. It is a time of light and of fire, a time to reflect upon the growth of the season: the seeds that were planted in the earth and the seeds planted in our souls. It is a time of cleansing and renewal and a time of love and growth as well.

In a word, magical.

I want to stay up to watch the last seconds of the day.
I want to bask in the sunset.
I want to dance with the druids.
Join in the worship of pagan Gods and Goddesses.
Sing praises to mother Earth.
Run barefoot on the green green grass, amidst the fluttering butterflies and chirping birds.

But I'm here in my room, typing this entry at the windowsill.

I can hear my friends' laughter

I can hear my neighbour calling his dog

I feel the cool breeze against my bare arms

And my heart just wants to burst in joy because I'm here, right now, enjoying all these.

I'm thankful I'm here.



Look at the intricacy of a spider's web. Doesn't it just amaze you? It's strong, and yet so delicate... and isn't it humbling to know that our very existance here is sometimes even more fragile than it is?

I'm humbled when I look around me.

Honoured, too, that the God that created all these beautiful things is the same God that created me.

Ashamed that I don't always stop to bask in the beauty that surrounds me. Ashamed that I forget how blessed I am to have all my senses intact.

What would it be like to be blind - and never see nature?
To to be deaf - and never hear the ringing laughter of children or the birds, singing?
Or to be lame - and to never walk on the soft grass nor run with the butterflies?

But you know whats even sadder?

To have sight, and yet be blind to nature
To be able to hear, and not listen
Or worse, to have a heart, and not learn to love.

Today I take time off to soak in my surroundings.
Today I say a silent prayer of thanks to God almighty.
Today I'll observe, I'll listen, I'll touch and feel...
And be at one with nature.

Today I'll see the world in a grain of sand, and heaven, in a wildflower. I'll hold infinity in the palm of my hands, and eternity, in an hour.

Amen.

One last picture...

London Day 2

So many things happened, so many memories that its impossible to write all about them. In this instance, I guess pictures tell the thousand words things that mere words cannot express.

First thing we did was go to Chinatown and Soho with her colleagues, Kelly and Irene. Nopes, no pictures of the 4 of us together, just of Sue and I. It was fun, talking about *ahem* longkangs and stuffings and pushups (insider joke). We made plans to go to Madame Toussards together.

Unfortunately, as is often the case where there's a big group, everyone wants to do their own thing, like go into little knickknack shops around Leichester Sq and Picadilly Circus to buy souvenirs for loved ones back home. So I guess it didn't come as a surprise when we *somehow* managed to lose Kelly and Irene. After 20 minutes of futile searching, Yen and I gave up and continued on our own...

We went to Portabello Market, which was good fun. We laughed a lot, attracted loads of attention (prolly cos its sweet to see two girlfriends dressing almost identically giggling and just having fun together) and took loads of pictures of each other, cos we were holding each other's camera. More pictures on her camera, but she's on dial up, so will just have to wait until we meet up this Thursday in Manchester for me to get hold of them and upload some on Multiply.





We saw darling little bracelets made of all sorts of materials - shell, beads, mother of pearl, glass, feather.... and ooh, they were so pwetty!!! Me likey mucho!



Bought 2 pounds of cherries and some strawberries from a very nice greengrocer who invited us to go inside the stall and take pictures with him. Actually we think its just an excuse to 'pok mong' us, considering that we're two super gorgeous happy bubbly cheerful nice girls in sweet haltertop summer dresses, but shhh.. maybe we were just being perasan.





We also managed to get on the WRONG BUS! It took us an hour and a tour around the suburbs of London to realise it, cos we were too busy talking and popping cherries into our mouths to notice. It was until we looked out of the window that we knew we had to take the no 70 going the OTHER direction. Yeesh.



And when we finally got into the right bus, we MISSED OUR STOP and ended up somewhere near Hyde Park instead. So we decided to have a picnic at Hyde Park. We tried using the self timer to take pictures of us, but it didn't work, so we ended up taking pictures of each other until a really nice distinguished looking man came over and offered to help take pictures. We were super grateful. Turns out that he's a butler to some English somebody who doesn't know how to picnic properly (that fella actually had fine china and tables and chairs and an army of people around him to serve him at the 'picnic') cheh.



What we weren't grateful for was some old fart who sauntered over and tried to hit on us, saying he was a freelance photographer for fashion magazines and all that, asking if he could meet up with us the next time we came over and all.. We tried to hint that we weren't interested and continued talking to each other in hopes that he'd go away, but he parked himself in front of us and kept on butting in. Spoil the mood only. We had to layan him although we were griping in chinese about how he 'mg sek chou' and won't leave us alone. He asked for our numbers and we said we didn't have pen or paper and produced scraps of paper and a pen. We gave him wrong numbers. Muahaha. And to add insult to the injury, later, I took out my teeny notebook and pen to jot down something. I hope he terasa. Who asked him to disturb us? Damn him la! Our chill out session at the park was just RUINED! In the end, we quickly excused ourselves and went back to the hotel room to hang out instead.

Curse that mofo. &^$#)*(

Went to Bayswater later to make a booking at the Malaysian Hall and eat duck rice at Four Seasons. And guess who I met at the Malaysian Hall? Pak Yah!! To the unintiated, Pak Yah is like the godfather of all Malaysian students here. He was the first Malaysian face to come greet us at Heathrow and welcome all of us JPA kids to England. And he actually recognised me!! Whee-ness! Am not that forgettable after all, some more call me his 'anak angkat'. I couldn't really recognise him because he was in baju melayu and songkok, and he looked super adorable in it too. Like some kampong pakcik. Yen and I took pictures with him:



Hrm, we later went to the major tourisy spots lorr... damn, too much to write and I'm getting sleepy. You know what they say about putting things like this off, it all accumulates and then there's so much to write it its overwhelming. So I'm just gonna say it with pictures.



London Eye



Houses of the Parliament



Tower bridge



And did random acts of kindness *wink*

Nah, he was super nice and agreed with our siao suggestions and posed for us. What a darling!

London Day 1

:: Random snippets ::

Seeing each other for the first time in 4 months. And being euphorically happy to see each other.

A bagful of goodies.

Chat chat chatting away, talking about whats been up with each other.

Yummilicious krispy creme at Harrods.

Going wherever the tube brings us - what an adventure!

Shopping at Hammersmith - and if the top fits, buy two in different designs!

Lepaking with the other girls.

Girl talking until we fell asleep.

Back from London

Yes, just got back at 10 o'clock at night.

London was an adventure. But will write about them laters.

Its ironic that 3 days in London holds more meaningful memories than these 4 months I've been in Plymouth.

I miss Sue Yen.

I do.

I really really miss her.

Nevermind that I'll be meeting her again next week in Manchester. I miss the girly talks, I miss gossip sessions, I miss us just being.. 'us'. Just like we were in school. Giggling in our blue pinafores with the other girls. Doing our homework together. Staying back after school at each other's house.

I miss jumping on the bed.

I miss pillow fights.

When shit hits the fan, she's the first person I'd call. And I do hope its the same with her. I hope I've been there for her like she has been there for me.

It took me so long to make me realise what a gem of a friend I have.

So here's to you, Yen darling.

May we be friends, forever.

And we'll be each other's children's 'Khai-ma'.

Happiness Maximus

Woohoohoo!

Am off to London tomorrow to meet up with Sue Yen!

London oh London, HERE I COME!

*jumps around exitedly*

Taken from TheSariPartyGirl

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

• Vish
• Vivi
• Vysia

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:

• :: sunshine ::
• sun_childe
• :: nakadarumi ::

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

• my height - or rather, lack of
• my hair - when its all dry and frizzy
• can't think of anything else

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

• Peranakan
• Hokkien
• Shanghainese

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

• Growing up
• Dissapointing the ones who love me
• A wasted life

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

• Milo
• Hairbrush
• Heels

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:

• Black cami
• Beige capris
• Pink flip flops

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:

• Simon and Garfunkel
• Greenday
• Enya

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS:

• When love and hate collide - Def Leppard
• Pachabel's Canon in D
• Suteki Dane

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:

• love
• trust
• honesty

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

• I partial to tall guys
• I can fall in love with someone's smile
• The windows to their souls (eyes la)

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:

• Travelling
• Hanging out with friends
• Cooking and baking

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

• Get a flower lattice tattoo on my right ankle
• Not go to class
• Dance

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

• Hawaii
• France
• Rome

THREE KIDS' NAMES YOU LIKE:

• Jamie
• Katherine
• Ariq

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

• do/discover something that will make the world a better place
• say sorry to the people I've hurt
• tell my loved ones how much I love and appreciate them

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:

• I check girls out
• I read FHM
• My guyfriends sometimes forget that I'm a girl

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:

• I have a wardrobe full of clothes and still complain that I don't have anything to wear
• I love shoes
• I wanna be a tai tai

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:

• Pierce Brosnan! Pierce Brosnan!
• Robert Downey Jr
• ER's Mark Greene

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY NOW:

• anyone!

I don't wanna grow up!

I'm scare myself with my addiction to frivolous spending.

Money flows out of my purse like water, seriously. I'm spending an average of £60 a week on nonsense, miscellaneus stuff that I don't really need.

Like last week I spent £15 on various baking apparatuses.

And some more on cutlery, cute teapots and some crystal wineglasses that I saw at Debenhams.

Why?

Cos theres no feel sipping Sauvignon Blanc from a glass. Or drinking Japanese tea from a mug either. Its gotta be Noritake. And for English teas, Wedgewood[oh gosh, I have a crush on that store, everythings so pretty]. I want to sleep in porthault sheets and use 3 ply tissues that feel like velvet.

I indulge myself too much!

I can't help it that I do.

And its *scary* when I think about the future. Can I afford to upkeep this kind of lifestyle I've been so used to? I'm probably spending more than I what I would earn.

I feel so shallow and materialistic sometimes. There's obviously more to life than the latest LV handbag, more to life than that BCBG dress I bought that costs more than a thousand dollars. This is crazy. I've only worn the dress ONCE.

Its stupid, really, come to think of it. How I can like something so so so much and would die die die to have it, and then get it, only to have it hang on my closet. The thrill lasts... um, a few weeks at most, and after that I start regretting. Like, shit, RM1 could save a Ugandan child's life, and I'm so selfish and shallow that I spend what would save like 1500 Ugandan children's lives on a dress I've only worn ONCE?

What if I continue being this selfish after I get married? What if I marry someone who can only give me a comfortable, but not luxurious life? Will I hold it against him? Be resentful when I think of all the things I've left behind and pine for them?

What if I spend my month's allowance for groceries and miscellaneus kids stuff on myself? I don't want to be a selfish mom who thinks only for myself and end up having my kids hate me when they grow up.

I'd like to think that I'd be a caring, supportive, self-sacrificing mom one day, and a gem of a wife my husband would be proud of... but I'm afraid I might not have it in me. I don't want to ruin another person's life. And getting married, having kids... its taking responsibility of more lives than my own.

It scares the living daylight out of me. Its a HUGE responsibility, and I'm not sure I'd ever be ready to shoulder that kind of responsibility. For one thing, I'm wayyyy too flighty.

*worry worry*

I'm gonna get wrinkles worrying about it.

Then for sure no one is gonna marry me.

Why am I thinking all these things?

Because one of my classmates just got married. And its not an "oops-oh-no-the-condom-broke" kind of shotgun wedding, its a marriage where the both of them really sat down and talked things through and decided, "yes, we want to take this step further, we will take the plunge, for better or for worse".

I respect that. But then again, Li Mei has always been a sensible, responsible girl and she's always been mature enough to handle this kind of stuff.

Me? I'm not ready!!!

Which was why I was totally speechless when he said we should get engaged before I left for UK... I had all these kind of thoughts. Like:

"Ooh, engagement! Diamond ring, wheee!"

"Ooh, celebrations, dress fittings, banquets... flowers...cards, champagne reception.. woohoohoo"

*starry eyes*

But on the other hand I was thinking:

"And what happens after all that fun and exitement? Its a totally different ball game - a whole new set of responsibilities that will come as someone's fiance"

So I thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it some more.

And decided that at 21, I just wasn't ready for that. And so I said no.

Then it comes to a point in a relationship where you either marry, or it just falls apart. I chose the latter.

The thing about long term relationships is that, well, you may recover from the person, but you never really recover from the relationship, can you?

It's like all those years, all those time and energy spent on it, wasted. Those time and energy that you could have been put to better use.

Even now I feel that I need to catch up with so many things I didn't get to do. It seems like I am living my life with such urgency to make up for lost time. Although I do know that I've learnt and experienced a lot through the relationship as well. But there were close friends I've dropped, things I missed out on because our relationship was more important.

It's not to say that I've sacrificed a lot, he has as well... but I guess you can't always have your cake and eat it too. *shrug*

I'm glad we're still friends. I'm glad we can still call each other and say hi. I'm glad I can still call him mom and ask for recipes and just chat.

Well wasn't that depressing? Lets talk about cheery things now. Dumdeedum, whats cheery?

Oh yeah, I played with my neighbour's doggie! It's so cute and it's name is Cola, as in Coca COLA. I've never had pets, save for transit pets [the kinds that my parents bought alive, so that they can kill it and cook it fresh].

I know, its sad.

I had a fish once, that my grandfather caught. A PinkCoralFish that was a wee bit too small to eat, so we put it in an aquarium. Everyday I'd feed it and talk to it (I used to be pretty lonely as a kid) and just watch it swim while thinking about stupid things like "how long is a fish's attention span?" because it would swim from one part of the aquarium to another, as if it's thinking "ooh, thats a new area I'd like to explore", and then when it reaches this end, looks at the other and thinks the same thing.

Alas one day, I came back to find my PinkCoralFish in a steamed dish, lying on a bed of tomatoes, garlic and ham choy [pickles mustardleaves].

I really couldn't bring myself to eat it.

But I still love eating fish though. Hehe.

Then there were 3 chickens my parents bought, and let loose in the garden. I would feed them and had loads of fun chasing them and having them chase me back sometimes [i was like, 6? small and not the least intimidating to the chickens *scrowl*]

Imagine my horror when one day my dad just took a knife and started slaughtering them. I was too traumatised, yet fascinated to cry. My dad slit their throat, and they actually walked around with their heads sort of like halfway hanging (think Nearly Headless Nick) and I could only stare, helpless and immobile, unable to do anything to save them. In the end I cannot tahan and cried as i took something to clobber them so that they die quickly. They were suffering!!!

Of course I didn't eat them la. How could I have eaten my only friends? It would have been cannibalistic. I swear we had a connection and understood each other perfectly without having to talk.

Hrmph!

I just realised one thing: ANIMALS LOVE ME.

No really. I haven't met a dog/cat that never liked me. They usually like to manja with me.
Prolly cos I love animals too.

When I was younger I wanted to be a VET. I remember writing super corny BM essays like "Cita-citaku" (my ambition) or "Aku seekor..." I wrote an essay on "Aku seekor ayam" (I'm a chicken, or rather, my life as a chicken) [insert bad puns and lame jokes here] and accounted my chicken's experience - which my teacher thought was funny but disturbing and had to talk to my parents about]

I remember studying really hard to get my straight A's in PMR to that I could get into Convent's Science steam [very competitive, ok?] so that I could be a vet. Filling out those forms where you had 3 choices of jobs you wanted to do. I've wanted to be so many things: soldier, bomba (firemen), police, doctor, pilot, nurse, writer, poet, prime minister, canteen makcik... Yes, its true. And my teacher had to tactfully tell me that a most of the choice occupations I wanted were predominantly dominated by men... and I remember thinking, "So?".

But every year, one of them was to be a vet.

Funny I never recalled putting in "teacher" but there you go, you always end up doing things you never expect yourself to do.

Queen of Tarts

Ah yes, after much rubbing, kneading, shaping and worrying if i was doing right, the end result was a whole tray of yummy egg tarts!

Shared them with House 33, and also Amir, Doreen and Kai. Ah, so nice to cook for friends. There's satisfaction in seeing them eat the stuff you make that makes it seem worth all the effort you put in, hehe.

Was invited to dinner with Doreen and Kai, had maifun and dumplings! So happy. Chinese food so sedaps.

And now am too tired to do anything else except post pictures online. Heh.

Nopes, no profound thoughts today, except for how nice it would be if I can just get married, have kids and cook for my family, and it'd be the only thing on my mind... sigh. But life ain't that simple, innit?

And if I was really really given the chance to be just that... would I do it?

*gulp*

Wanting something to happen and having it actually happen are two different ball games.

Lookie at my pride and joy!



Fill them to the brim with orgasmic egg custard filling...



Bake them in the oven



Heh, they're a bit misshapen, aren't they?



But yummilicious all the same!

Wah cheh...

For love of our country...

I just watched Patch Adams, and its really inspiring. Its about not taking things as they are, about being the difference that makes a difference. But all these, are they just idealistic dreams? But the road not taken is a long and lonely path, and not many are willing to make such a sacrifice. I don't know if I would either.

Day by day I find myself conforming more and more. I feel like a packaged product sometimes, stripped of my individuality, not really standing up for what I believe in. I feel like a sell-out sometimes. Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much, didn't think so much and just take life as it comes. But I can't, can I? Because that in itself would be the ultimate sellout.

Being away from Malaysia, being in another country really made me open my eyes to so many things. On one hand, I read the news on whats happening back home and I feel saddened. I see the difference between the way things are. Malaysia claims to be a developed nation, and yes, in terms of infrastructure and technology, it is. But we'll never really be developed until we develop the minds and hears of our people. Its sad that we have so little conscience over the environment, we don't care about the less fortunate, the disabled, the whatever challenged - are they something what we hope would go away if we pull wool over our eyes and pretend everything is fine and beautiful? To quote Marina Mahathir:

"We will never be developed until we learn to respect other people regardless of station and until we become more considerate of others. We need to think of others before ourselfves, to put ourselves in other people's shoes and learn to empathise. We might complain about the so called decadence of the developed world but then they have more facilities for the disabled and those who are needy than we do. Why is that? Perhaps because to be developed, it's just not enough to be able to build fabulous buildings and roads, you also need to develop the humanity inherent in all of us"

I read the news and I think of how petty our politicians are. Little things are blown out of proportion - little things like an advertisement to promote civic mindedness amongst lrt users. Does it matter that the protagonist was Malay? Don't they realise that the message the advertisement carries is important, and just leave it be?

And we're really becoming the laughing stock amongst so many nations with the stupid suggestion to play the national anthem before screening movies in the cinema. As Charlotte says, "Well, by all means play it as much as you want during official functions and in schools. In fact I absolutely encourage it. But in cinemas? Lets not turn respect for our national anthem into a laughing stock!"

With bigger issues being kept hidden from view, swept under the carpet, so to speak, small things are blown out of proportion. How long will it take before we realise that things must change, how long before we take a step back to look at things objectively and do something about it?

Its funny how I find it much easier I'm finding to teach the children here compared to the children back home in Malaysia. Children here are more enthusiastic to learn and don't mind questioning their teachers, as opposed to the children back home who come to you as empty vessels, waiting for you to fill them with whatever knowledge you want to, it doesn't matter to them, they were taught at home not to question, just accept. And this is something I cannot, and refuse to, accept.

Its sad, really, when we students no longer think for ourselves and wait to be spoonfed. Its even worse when these students are going to be teachers. It alarms me. What kind of teachers are teaching my brothers? What kind of teachers are going to teach my children? Its a 10 year gap between me and my brother, and yet I remember being a lot more advanced than he is now. Kids these days, they're exposed to so many things, yet at the same time they're not exposed enough. Sigh..

There are many things I'll never completely agree with, many things I want to change, but cannot. But at the same time, ashamed and saddened as I am about the way things are, I can feel the pride when the name 'Malaysia' rolls of my tongue. Good or bad, I love Malaysia and am very proud to be Malaysian. I hope that one day I will truly achieve something that would make Malaysia proud to call me her daughter.

*drumrolls*

Happy birthday Ajeemboo!

So many things has been happening the past week or so. Been so absorbed into the things I was doing that I didn't have to to blog it, thinking, "Later, I'll have more to write anyway..."

But the problem is, when I actually sit down to write about them, its pretty overwhelming. So many things to write about that I don't know where to start.

Anyway, since this blog is pretty much the dumpsite of my memory, this is a brief skeleton of what happened.

Friday, 29th May

Last outing with Iryan before he went back to Malaysia for the summer hols. Damn I miss the guy. We were planning to go to the Hoe and Wetherspoons with Kak Zah and Kak Dila but I decided to follow the guys to Portsmouth instead...

Went over to Blue Door to try the chicken pie that Kak Zah and Kak Dila made. It was yummilicious.

Saturday, 30th May - Portsmouth


Started journey at 4am from Syuck's place in a convoy of 2 cars to pick up Abul's new car. 8 of us went, Abul, Munir, Ajeem and me in one car, Zul, Syucks, Wan, and Mastura in another. I spent most of the 5 hour journey sleeping, despite having Munir singing his heart out and strumming the guitar beside me.

Woke up and found myself in Dorset. Isn't that where Mr Yap's son is? I briefly wondered how he was, and if he's going crazy over Loius Vuitton, since the guy loveslovesloves designer stuff like Gucci, LV, Prada and such the way only a true blue ahbeng can. ^_^

Went to Havant and got Abul's rover, then it was Abul and Munir in the new car, Zul, Syucks, Wan, Mas in another and Ajeem and me in anoher. Damn siao la, went in 2 cars, came back with 3...

We headed to Portsmouth to do some shopping. Oh my god, Starbucks is sight for sore eyes. The whole trip, all of us mengidam Starbucks only. Heh, looks like the poster mermaid of globalisation is pretty much thriving, at least in the hearts of us Malaysians.

Zul, Me, Abul

We later went to the High Street to do even more shopping. I split up with the rest because I wanted to take a look at girley stuff while the guys wanted to look for sunglasses and what not, and Mastura followed them. It was pretty cool exploring the city on my own.

the guys looking terribly bored waiting for us girls

What wasn't too cool was being stalked by some angmoh who at first seemed to just be following me around. At first I thought I was just being perasan, but then after about half an hour or so of seeing the same guy behind my back I kinda freaked, especially when he came up to me and asked me for my number. I quickly muttered something about not having a phone, excused myself, and hid in a changing room for a good 10 minutes. Texted Ajeem about it, but no answer. Damned freaked weii...

Later called Zul to find out where they were and met up with them and had half of Zul's fish and chips cos the shop was already closing. Then headed back to Plymouth. Wanted to go Salisbury to see the stonehenge but then forgot about it. Yeesh.

Journey back was fun. Zul lost his beanie in the process. It literally flew out of the window. Wan overtook them and while passing we laughed and gave them a thumbs up sign to which he stuck his tongue out.

We were ahead of the convoy but realised halfway that we lost them. Called the other cars to find out where they were. Seemed that Abul and Munir suddenly had an idea to wash the car at the carwash. We all looked at each other, incredulous, and if we were in a comic book, a common thought bubble which said "What the fuck!?" would pretty much sum up what we were thinking.

*rolls eyes*

Reached Exeter at about 9pm. Cooked at Zul's and had a pretty darn good meal. Nothing like good homecooked Malaysian food. We were all so tired that we dozed off there and left for Plymouth the next day instead. Should've seen up all spread around Zul's studio apartment, taking up almost any space available. Went back to Plymouth the next day.

Camping in Zul's apartment...

Thats about it lorr... A brief account of what happened. A lot more I'd love to write but no mood. So many insights I had but forgot to document, now I can't remember what they were. -_-

Girls' Nite In

Woohoohoo!

I love love love Dorothy Perkin's Girls Nite In. Went with Kak Zah, Kak Dila and Ummi. While waiting for it to start bumped into Sudi, Hema, Leli and Julie.

Can you actually believe that the store was open until 9pm?!

Whee-ness!!!

Yeah, in Malaysia, tak heran pun... but for it to happen in thelandwhereshopscloseatsixlatest?

Priceless!

We had so much fun there. Everything 20% off, freeflow Bacardi Breezers, free chocolate, manicure, facial, makeover.... and goodie bags for every £15 spent!

Damn fun I tell you!



Here we are, caught in the act. ^_^

But alas, I seriously don't know what happening to me now, I can't drink for nuts now! What happened to the days where I could down 6 packs of beers and not pass out? This time half a bottle down, and I was effing DRUNK! Yes, the giddily silly, face and body like red like baked lobster, can't walk straight HIGH! Even the guy who gave out the drinks was like, "Whoa, I wish I could get high that fast. But nopes, no more drinks for you girl"

Damn sad right, but its a nice feeling, that high. Haven't been drinking for wayyyy too long. Here's a picture of how red I looked - and thats like half an hour after I downed the alcohol. Pfft!



Alcohol also puffs up my eyelids making my eyes seem super sepet (slitty). Not that I've got big doe eyes anyway la..

We all had our manicures done, and the manicurist commented that we had such COLD hands!

"Alaaa... cold hands, but warm hearts?"

Teehee.

So we each bought stuff. And all of us here happy cos we all had GOODIE BAGS to take home.

Happiness Maximus. Ah, the simple pleasures of life.

Guess what I bought?



Gorgeous innit? So pretty! Am so happy with my purchase.

It's gone and joined its little family of shoes. Made itself pretty comfy amongst them as well, take a look:



Not bad for 3 months, innit?

Need to build my shoe collection. One can never have too many shoes!