The Coldness Within

It sometimes scares me just how cold I can be.

How I can just cut someone completely out of my life.

No excuses, to apologies, no reasons.

Just complete... nothingness.

Truth be told, I've tried. Very hard. But there comes a time when enough is enough. There's only so many times you can say you're sorry. There's only so many chances that I can give you. I've tried to be your friend, defended you when others spoke badly of you. And if you can't recognise that then... well, what does it matter? Friendships are about give and take. And if all you know how to do is take, take and take, then hey, guess what? I have nothing left to give.

I'm pruning my life for my own sake and for those I really care about.

I'm shedding the dead weight so that I can invest in the people who really matter to me now.

And I'm not sorry.

Katie: My Beautiful Face

I've just watched Katie: My Beautiful Face, and what a powerful documentary that was!

Katie Piper is truly inspirational. To have been through so much and still be so positive... I'm truly amazed by her and believe that she will emerged from the tragedy a truly beautiful woman, not just inside, but on the outside as well.

What doesn't kill you...

... Only makes you stronger.

An adage that really takes the centrepoint in the movie Mongol. And what a beautiful depiction of how the human spirit blooms when challenged. The most poignant part of the movie is the part when Temudjin was asked why he did not fear the thunder (all mongols fear the thunder) and answered simply that he had no reason to fear from it because he had nowhere to hide from it.

What an inspirational film.

I want to do and achieve more. I want to have that satisfaction of a job well done, have a solid reputation as as someone who's damned good at whatever it is that I do. I want to be that maverick, that difference that makes all the difference.

I don't know how, or what I'm destined to do as of yet. But somewhere deep inside me, i just know that i'm gonna be allright, i'm gonna do good. I think sometimes it's okay to believe and be sure of the the macro future and yet be unsure about the micro of it. In the meantime, I'm going to learn all I can, grow and develop myself as much as possible. 

And maybe thats enough for now.

=)

It's been awhile. Really need to get into back into the habit of posting updates online.

I've recently started a written journal, yes, a diary like when i was a little girl, and have fallen in love with writing on paper... I just love to see the writing on paper. It's not perfectly formed, not the most beautiful script I've ever seen, but it's got personality. I love the way my handwriting somehow changes depending on the mood that I'm in when I write, love the fact that I can paste little momentos in there, like the a petal from the first rose that bloomed in my garden, the feather left on the birdhouse... that sort of corny things. Heh. 

Anyway, had a little 'dinner party' with Bansi today. It was wonderful seeing Bansi again after so long... just like the old times when we cooked together, went for walks and talked about anything and everything. I didn't realise how much I missed his company until today, but we've made a promise to see each other more often so fingers crossed that we'll keep to it. We made chickpea curry and vegetarian fried noodles and I baked a special eggless citrus cake for him. And bless his mum, she especially made my favourite dessert, seero halva, for him to bring over for me. I finished it in one sitting. Glutton, I am. 

It's also the first time he's seen our new house. Needless to say my favourite part is the awesome garden that we have. It's a reasonable size, AND it's got a greenhouse for me to grow all my fav ingredients like shiso, edamame and curry leaves! Not that I've planted any of them yet (soon!) but I do have some strawberry plants, two grape vines growing and two different types of tomato plants. The rest of the garden are just pretty pretty flowers like lavender and roses. Oh and I have a yellow ladybug that visits the garden sometimes. Random, but I've never seen yellow ladybugs before.

So it's been good, and I've been content and keeping myself busy tending to my garden at the back of the house. Pictures to follow soon-ish, I hope!

Do you know what you want?

I'm at a point in my life now where i seem to be questioning everything.

No wait, I've always been questioning what I want. I haven't gotten it figured out yet, and I really don't know.

I wish I was more like my husband. He's focused, such a go getter. A man with a plan who knows how to get where he wants and when he will get there and what he will do to get there. I really admire that about him.

Me, I'm driftwood. Everything in my life so far has been by chance.

I managed to get a scholarship to for a teaching degree, met my husband in uni, got married. When I was preparing for my wedding, I couldn't find shoes that fit me (such a Cinderella story), resorted to getting them made to measure at Jimmy Choo Couture, met the master himself, Jimmy and got a job there the very same day. After about a year, I was asked to join one of my clients, Lady Rothermere as her household/lifestyle manager/PA until I quit just before I had to go for a lumpectomy surgery. After the surgery, I was bored, went on gumtree for the first time, applied for the first job that caught my interest, and managed to get a freelance opportunity as Campaign Manager for Unruly Media.

All these, by sheer luck.

And now that I'm pausing to re-evaluate my life and figure out where to go from here, I don't know which direction to take.

Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. That whatever happens, happens. Another part of me thinks that if I fail to plan, I plan to fail (i know, it sounds so cliched).

Part of me thinks that it's such a shame to waste my TESL degree, after all, I did spend 6 years training to be a teacher and I loved every minute I spent teaching, but another part of me wants to explore new things. After all, how would I know teaching is really truly my passion if I don't try other things as well?

Is this wondering and not knowing what I want normal? Everyone I know seems so focused. They're heading somewhere, they're planning and inching their way to their goal. I don't even know where or what the goal is.

These days I'm spending my time cooking, baking, sewing and tending to my garden. Trying to become the perfect wife. And it's weird because I find this truly fulfilling. I still get very excited to see that my dough has risen, I love the smell of freshly baked bread, I love seeing my plants grow and then blossom. Is this quite sad? Have I become a recluse? Have I put the feminist movement back by 70 years by admitting that I actually enjoy domesticism?

Sometimes I think back and I wonder if it was a rash decision to marry and uproot to another country, knowing that I don't really have anyone here for me, knowing that I would have to depend on my husband quite a lot.

I've always been a confident, independent girl but now I feel a bit helpless. I seem to have somehow lost a bit of that confidence and independence. I need to get that back. I feel like i'm slowly shedding pieces of myself and losing my identity.

What I do know is that I consciously try to live my moments and do everything little the best I can. As Helen Keller has so succinctly put it, 'though I long to accomplish a great and noble task, it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble'. If it's my lot in life to iron shirts, rest assured they're gonna be the most well ironed shirts ever. Well if its worth doing, it's worth doing well.

Then again, I also sometimes think, I want to go back to teaching. I loved every minute at SK BUD and I still keep in touch with my students and teachers from the school. Would it be the same of I taught here though? Would I enjoy it as much?

I'm 26. I haven't done much to build a career. It just seems like an awful waste. As if I'm just an awful waste of talent and time and education.

When I was younger I was so gung-ho. Joined clubs, always tried to take up new things, wanted to be an activist, be the so called 'difference that made a difference'. There was no competition that I wouldn't participate it. When did I lose all that ambition and motivation? That carpe diem attitude? Where was that turning point that brought me where I am now? In a rut, disillusioned and unmotivated, hating where I am at the moment?

I just want to go back. Back home. Back in time. Back to what never was and probably is only in my head.

Can someone tell me how to get out of this rut?

The Pieces No Longer Fit

by Jerome Kugan

Sometimes we change.
And the pieces we thought
we could glue back together
no longer fit.

We look at the pieces
in puzzlement;
so sure in our knowledge
of how things should be.

But people are not pieces
of a broken jar.
When people break,
the pieces don’t come apart.

They just no longer fit.

Is it weird...

That I want to go to work every day?

...I really miss my mum and sis...

Hey there, Delilah!

Was randomly Wikipedia-ing when I came across an article about Delilah cutting off Samson's hair.

I have to say I totally sympathise with her.

She was sleeping with this man, for God's sake. I imagine that they didn't have nice smelling shampoos because Fekkai is soooo a new millennium thing. Plus Samson, being the macho he-man he is made out to be, wouldn't have washed that often anyway.

Whats a girl to do?

Chop off his locks, obviously.

Especially if he'd gone hunting and carried a dead creature on his back. Needless to say fleas, flies, matted blood, and other ghastly gories does NOT an attractive man make. I'm sure you get the picture.

I feel for her because I've recently found myself in her position.

Only in my case, the offending matter is my husband's toenails.

Oh how they get my gall!

They snag the embroidery on our best sheets, and sometimes they scratch me.

Most of the time they just look offensive.

Is it worth bringing it up to his attention and waste what little valuable time we have together discussing toenails? I don't think so. We've got better things to do.

So I do exactly as Delilah does. Brandish the toenail clippers and then file happily away while he's fast asleep. The trick is not to cut too much and file away the edges so he doesn't notice. Not once has he ever woken from his slumber while I'm happily snipping away.

He's happily oblivious, I'm happily not offended.

And so we live happily ever after.

=)

Have A Break? Never!

Whilst some people live to work I think I actually work to live.

Today I started my new job as Campaign Manager at Unruly Media. I work in Shoreditch, near Brick Lane, in an old converted brewery, which is really cool. The atmosphere is amazing, and the people are really nice and relaxed. Happy and shiiiiiiiiiiny. Quite Zen.

As I walk to work from Liverpool Street Station in the morning, I pass shopkeepers setting up shop at Spitalfields Market. Photographs, paintings, handmade jewelry, painted glass lamps, quilts galore... it was almost like a treasure trove of wonderful exotic things. It reminded me of Pasar Malam in Malaysia. The area seems to buzz with energy and high spirits.

Starting work again felt good.

I don't think I ever felt this excited about working before, I thought I would be quite happy being the stay-at-home wife. They gave me the option of working from home as well, but I told them I'd be more than happy to go into the office. I can get quite lonesome at home and for some reason I work better when there are people around me, even if we don't talk. Their very presence gives me motivation to work harder because I feel like we're all in it together so I have to contribute what I can.

And I think the job role suits me well. I am an internet junkie and spend hours and hours online reading blogs and randomly surfing. I like to look at websites and figure out how it's put together, especially now that I am also working on developing my husband's business website and teaching myself HTML.

I even enjoyed the tube ride. Oh how I missed The London Paper and Lite. Not so much Metro because I think Metro interact as much with readers. I love the daily guest columnist section on the London Paper, it's so refreshing to hear the perspectives of other commuters and sometimes in the tube I try to imagine what kind what the person next me in the tube would write about from their facial expressions.

Things have a way of working out perfectly, I find. I don't think I would have recovered from my operation in a week to be well enough to go back to work. So being made redundant was a good thing. It gave me a chance to recuperate, recharge and really reflect on what I really want.

At the end of the day I just want a working environment where creativity is encouraged, hard work is rewarded and people treat others the way they want to be treated. That would be work Nirvana for me.

I heart my job.

A promise made

Earlier this year I had a cancer scare.

Having to face my own mortality made me re-evaluate my life. I look back and I think of all the things that I did with the future in mind. Of how the times I wasn't present in the moment. How I sometimes did things just to get through the day and my half hearted endeavours.

I made a pact with God.

I asked God to please don't let me go with regrets. I promised that from now on I will live my moments. I give my all in the present and trust in the future.

Most of all, I asked that I be given a chance to leave this world a little better that I lived.

I'm trying.

Making 2009 better

2008 was absolutely amazing, but this year has been rather rough for me.

I think back to the beginning of the year and all I remember is the crying, the hatefulness and bitterness, the pain.

I want to change all that.

I don't want to look back to 2009 and only have regrets and anger for not being able to do more; for shortchanging myself by not standing up for what I believed in.

So this is what I want the rest of 2009 to be. A year of enlightenment. A year of counting my blessings. A year to learn and grow into myself a little bit more. Of righting wrongs. This is the year where I will invest in myself and be all I can be.

This year I will:

Wear more skirts and pretty dresses
Let my hair down
Read more
Do more
Cook
Buy organic
Learn a new thing every day
Remind myself how blessed I am daily
Respect myself and on that same note, never ever work for one who doesn't
Appreciate people
Be healthy
Live life

It's only May. There are seven more months to do all these this year. And I have a feeling that this year will be one of the best years of my life yet.

Sometimes you have to let be

My husband shared with me a nightmare he had last night.

His nightmare was that he escaped an evil house, but left a man to die inside the house.

I told him that if that was real life, please don't try to save someone else at the expense of your life. Because I need you.

But deep down I know that he will anyway. Because he will never leave a man behind, even if it means that he dies trying.

And if I made him promise, he would keep his promise to me but never be able to live with himself.

So I think if *touch wood* that ever happens, and he does what he thinks is right, I think I would understand.

But it doesn't make it easier.

The lesson is to be sincere

I've just read some of my old entries and realised how far i've come.

Four years ago, I wondered what it was like to be beautiful and live the high life. I was fortunate enough to have been given a taste of what it's like. I've been driven home in chauffered Rolls Royces and I've jetted off in private planes. I've seen life from the top and I've discovered this:

All these mean nothing you do not have anyone to share it with; if you don't know how to love or be loved. When you have no real family and have to pay to have people be around you and pretend to be your friends. It becomes a curse if is gained through ruthless means of wreaking the lives of others, because though philantrophy and goodwill gestures will make it easier to live with one's guilt, it will never wash it away. It is a very sad and lonely life, with a vacuum that no amount of money can fill.

And it is a very sad state when one always suspect the motives of others just because one knows what one is capable of doing.

~_~


My old boss Jimmy always harped on sincerity. He always said, whatever you do, do it from the heart, and then let go. I never really paid much attention to it because he says all the time. Today I realised that if I never learnt anything else except that, I would still have learnt a lot.

And what a wonderful, lush life he has! Everybody loves him for his generousity of spirit. His humility and kindness. His big heart. There is happiness all around him. The happiest people I know aren't the richest, indeed, some of the happiest people I know are those who share everything they have and find that life gives back to them, a million times over.

It made all the difference. I was so much happier working for minimum wage with him than I was when I was highly paid.

I am so lucky to have an amazing husband to share my life with. I am blessed to have wonderful family and friends. And I wouldn't trade that for all the money in the world.

After all, at the end of the day, real success is intangible, and this life is impermanent.

We come into the world with nothing, and we leave with nothing.

New challenge

Will is starting a new company and he's asked me to design the website.

The last time I did any proper web design was when I designed my school website when I was 11. I think I used Netscape Composer. That was 15 years ago. I don't even know if the program still exists!

I've toyed around with Dreamweaver at college, back when it was still part of Macromedia. Now I discover that it's part of Adobe? My CV is soooo un-up-to-date!

Technology changes so fast it's so difficult to keep track of it.

Ah well.

So, at the risk of sounding geeky (I've rather think geek chic), the new challenge now is to learn Dreamweaver CS4 and brush up on my Photoshop and HTML.

*fingers crossed*

Shifting to first gear

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' was his response. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'
- Lewis Caroll

It's been over a year since I've started my new life in London.

I feel exactly like what Alice must have felt in Wonderland. Lost. Directionless.

Apathetic, thinking that it doesn't matter.

I thought just having a well paying (but dead end) job would make me happy; work to live, so to speak.

But after awhile in the job, I absolutely hated it. Every day I woke up hitting the snooze button over and over again wishing I didn't have to wake up. I had to be a simpering kissass on the job and listen to words that killed my spirit.

I want a career. I want challenge and fulfilment. I want targets to push myself to achieve. I want to learn and grow and make a positive contribution to society.

But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then

I've learnt the hard way that if you stop, you rot.

I've stopped running and fallen off the threadmill. I need to get up and start running again. Harder, harder... harder than any one else.

There's a lot of catching up to do.

But I'll do it.

Promise.