white november

it was the most beautiful view from the window... snow falling, gently blanketing the whole Village. It was awesome.

I love the snow. I love snowfights. I love making snowmen and giving them the biggest carrots and tomatoes as genitals.

I love the crunch of the snow when I walk on it. I love running in snow and having friends chase me, brandishing the biggest snowballs menacingly.

It was just awesome. Amazing, considering that its the first time in 4 years that it's snowed in Plymouth.

And you know what? I was so busy enjoying myself that I FORGOT TO TAKE PICTURES!!!

*regret*

Ah well, live the moment.

Nick drove to Asda. We had to actually scrape snow off the windshields and all that. The car was practically frozen. And no, Bansi and I didn't walk on the black ice. Bought shitloads of stuff, the whole boot and backseats were full. And also planned to cook Roy's Roast Lamb, and thus have it sitting nicely in the marinade for tomorrow's dinner. Whoopedee doo, can't wait.

Right company and I are talking again, thanks to Doreen. What she said made sense. It's better to lose your pride for the person you love, then to lose the person you love because of pride. I've been so stubborn, and it only served to make me even more miserable.

Am I glad I made the decision to swallow pride, pick up the phone and call it a truce? To admit that after months and months of trying to forget, running halfway across the globe away, meet new people, the one I was missing was right there all along. Beside me. Inside me. A part of me.

3 years...

Its a long time. Can a year apart help make you forget, inspire you to start afresh? I've gone out, done the things I've wanted to do - but should not have done, experimented with life, only to realise I had what I wanted all these while.

But do I regret it?

No. Right or wrong, they were my decisions. They were the catalyst in my growing up process. They made me realise how important what I took for granted were. They were pathways I took in search of self. And I'm glad I took the chance to experience all that. And am lucky enough to be able to realise where I went wrong, and take the U-turn back to the path I want to take.

But I don't know if it was the right decision, if he is the right person... I know I should not have doubts. He loves me so much. Too much. And a tiny weeny part of me doesn't think I deserve to be loved like that. Nor want to.

I don't want to be someone's faerie princess. I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I don't want to have the ground I walk on worshipped.

I just want the freedom to be me.