Ying Ying... Nurin... Presheena... and countless other innocent nameless, faceless victims of killers amongst us.

How many more?

At times like this we question.. we question the justice, or rather the injustice of life. What wrong did they do to deserve this? Nothing. Tragedy knows not it's victims.

Same with the news about finding Nurin. Sometimes we wonder if it's better not to know and keep hope alive, or whether the knowing is better, when there's no cause for hope anymore... Because hope hurts.

I feel for the families. Watching the reports on TV,reading the stories... it's sad. And the saddest thing is that there's nothing we can do do to help them save for offering them moral support and being there. Which isn't much.

At times like these we are faced with our own mortality. That we don't know which hug, which smile or laughter will be our last. Nobody expected the tragedy to happen, and yet it did. It happened, and who knows what was the last thing they did... would they regret the petty quarrel they had last night? Would their last memory of the dead be that of sorrow and pain?

Perhaps the only thing we can do it to learn from it. To realise that our life hangs on a fragile thread, and that we should never take out loved ones for granted..

Then perhaps, if this is the lesson that we learn, then maybe their deaths, though tragic, will not be so senseless...


Darshini Rajan at 5:14am November 16, 2007
Hope indeed can hurt. But if there is no hope then what use is there in life? So we hope and pray. That maybe this thing called hope won't hurt so much...We're survivors Vys and we will pull through...Love you!

Dod Chin at 7:04pm November 18, 2007
u'd be surprise how much weight moral support actually carries. so never underestimate it darling. being there for someone isn't nothing much. it could mean the world, especially since what had happened is irreversible. so thank you for being there and offering support when i needed it. -xxx-

Michael Ooi Su Guan at 12:57pm November 19, 2007
As Forest would say, life is but a box of chocolates... you never know what it would bring... It may be sorrow, it may be joy, we can never tell what comes... The important thing, is to enjoy what joy we have as they come, like love and friendship. Knowing that others support you, and feel as you do, helps sustain us through the sorrows we meet. ... Read MoreFor even in sorrow, there can be joy, for sorrows bring people closer together. Sorrows help us become more human. Sorrow helps us to grow and appreciate that which are important to us. And maybe... maybe the next chocolate will be joy. How much sweeter it would taste, after the bitter...

Kindred Spirits

Sometimes you meet someone and it's electric.

And you know, beyond doubt, that the person is a kindred spirit.

Have you ever seen a meteor shower?

I have.

It was beautiful, breathtaking. The stars shining through the darkness, falling in the air. Hundreds of them, like light streaming through holes on the floors of heaven.

"Better despair than false hope".

They say to wish upon a falling star, but what do you wish for when what keeps you from making a wish is the knowing that it might just be that, a wish... that may never come true?

Dawn gave way to dusk. There were still stars in the sky...

Star light, star bright, would you rather burn out or would you rather fade away? Who's going to catch you when you fall? What's so great about you?

You're just fallen embers.

=====

I made a wish.

I wished someone would catch the falling stars.



Ps: I just watched Stardust on Saturday with Dod, Ronnie and Jerome, hee. Absolutely loved it.

Everything's gonna be allright

I'm so tired. So so tired.

But I can't sleep.

So here I am, at 6am, writing.

Writing has always been a personal thing to me. I write because its the only way I can analyse a situation, because at the end of the day, it comforts me, being able to confide in something, albeit just a piece of paper, knowing whatever I write will not be used against me. Because oftentimes, its raw emotions, jagged and unpolished, unfit for others to see.

Sometimes I'm afraid of reading the things that I write. Because it re-opens all the hurt, and I feel my heart bleeding all over again.

I've been really busy lately. Going out with friends because I'm prolly not going to see them in a long time. Meeting new friends along the way. Making space in my heart for these kindred spirits I meet along the way.

Sometimes I'm amazed at how these people enter my lives at moments when I need them the most, like guardian angels, holding my hands, and bearing a torch to light the way through long dark nights. Like messangers from heaven, telling me things that I need to hear, bringing up old hurts that I need to resolve.

I'm thankful for Doreen and Eesha... for being the amazing girlfriends that they are.

For Mike, for being such a wonderful big brother. To Ron and Jerome, for unknowingly bringing up something that I needed to come to terms with. For Jacob, whom I had heard such horrid stuff about, and who through hearsay also thought I was a horrible person, and teaching me never to listen to what others say until you've met the person.

Start. Stop. Delete.

These days I can't write.

I have everything, and nothing, to write about.

I write about things that make me happy, things that make me sad, things that irk me, things that dissappoint me. I start this long rant about it. Stop. And then press the delete button.

I find that I exercise more censorship on what I write about these days. I'm no longer one to bare my soul out for the world to see, nor leave my heart on my sleeve, exposed to all and sundry.

Perhaps this is wisdom.

I saw this quote, "There is no safety for honest men except by believing all possible evil of evil men" by Edmund Burke and it hit me how true it was. And how naive and idealistic my believe that people are essentially good.

Being able to make your voice heard, even to a small group, gives you power. Power to influence, power to persuade, power to speak out. And with that power comes the responsibility to use it correctly.

Some people use it to defame and slander others. This is usually someone they used to care for, no less.

And it irks me when people do that. I think it's a really childish, immature thing to do, and it doesn't matter whether one writes wistfully about it, or vindictively, it's still, in my books, quite distasteful.

At the end of the day, everyone has their own versions of a story. There will always be a neverending tug of war between he-says/she-says. We all perceive things differently.

Recently I found out that someone I knew was writing mean, horrible things about me. Worst of all, they were untruths that if I wanted, I could've easily set right, shaming the person in the process. I was so angry... but curbed myself from action.

I woke up in the morning and thought again what I ought to do about it. Should I confront the person? Should I correct what s/he said?

Then I decided that it wasn't worth it. I'm not out to prove myself. I don't feel the need to prove myself. Because at the end of the day, it's enough for me that my friends know me, and the people who read that, and believed/formed opinions about me based on that, I really don't need in my life. The last thing I need is for judgemental people in my life.

Today I re-read that entry the person wrote about me. Objectively, not as me, but as if the subject was someone I didn't know.

I realised that the whole entry was more telling of the writer rather than about the subject. About how bitter the person it, and how the person really needs to settle his/her issues, and move on.

Curiousity prompted me to read more backdated entries. And the more I read, the more I realised that the person wasn't who I thought s/he was.

I want to say that I was dissapointed, but I then realised that I didn't care at all.

Of friends and scumbags

I've recently met Jacob, whom I've heard some pretty bad things about (and vice versa) and I'm surprised that we got on so well.

I can't believe I thought he was such a horrid person based on what one person whose opinions I had respected once upon a time. And guess what? He also heard bad stuff about me coming from the same person.

I'm utterly disgusted.

But ah well, we decided it's not worth bringing this up with the person, because at the end of the day, we've actually found out the truth about how two-faced the person can be. Apparently people who's worked with him has found out what he's really like, and no one really likes him either, they just put up with his because they don't want to be targeted by him.

In the end, we just felt sorry that he had to buy acceptance from people.

And left it as that.

It just wasn't worth the effort.

moving Petronas ad

I was just browsing on YouTube when I saw this ad.

I was in tears by the end of it. It was *that* powerful. Watch it for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7l6pll2NiE&NR=1

The coldness within

It sometimes scares me just how cold I can be.

How I can just cut someone completely out of my life.

No excuses, to apologies, no reasons.

Just complete... nothingness.

Truth be told, I've tried. Very hard. But there comes a time when enough is enough. There's only so many times you can say you're sorry. There's only so many chances that I can give you. I've tried to be your friend, defended you when others talked bad about you. And if you can't recognise that then... well, what does it matter? Friendships are about give and take. And if all you know how to do is take, take and take, then hey guess what, I have nothing left to give.

I'm pruning my life for my own sake and for those I really care about.

I'm shedding the dead weight so that I can invest in the people who really matter to me now.

And I'm not sorry.

Identity crisis

Met up with Jayson in Bangsar yesterday and caught up with gossip and London news. J's contemplating coming back after 10 odd years being there. Ijun... well Ijun, I heard from the grapevine, is coming back here for good in a week's time.

Sigh, and here I am, applying for my settlement visa, going to go over there to start a new life with my fiance.

I've been avoiding thinking about the issue of settling over there with a whirlwind of activities and get-togethers with friends lately. I don't want to think about it. But I realise that eventually, I have to face up to the fact that well, I'll be taking on a whole new identity.

I'm giving up my name. Proximity to my family, my friends. I am giving up my nationality.

I can't imagine not being Malaysian.

Oh, of course I have my gripes about how the country is run, I worry about where it seems to be heading to. I hate how unscrupulous our politicians are, how everyone is so apathetic about everything. I'm saddened by our mentality. I'm appalled by our blatant flouting of human rights. I'm scared for my own safety everytime I walk back home from the cybercafe near the Kerinchi station at night (my laptop officially died). Since I've came back, I've been mugged, molested and verbally abused while going about my own business around town.

But despite all that, I still love Malaysia. It's still my 'tanah-tumpah-darahku'. It's where I'm born, the country where I grew up in. I was raised to be a Malaysian. Socialised into it, taught into being a good one by our education system. I even know the Rukunegara by heart.

What if there's a war between Malaysia and England. Whose side would I pick? On one hand I would been a citizen of the United Kingdom, on another, well, Malaysia.. well, like I said, tanah tumpah darahku. I've been raised to think of Malaysia as my country, that I'd fight for her to the death, and now, suddenly having to change loyalties... i still can't get my head around it.

But then again I am thinking too much. Touch wood, I would never be in a position where I would have to choose.

I'm changing my name from Vysia to Renee. Renee Duffield. Relatively anonymous compared to my current name. No one can ever do a google search on me now and get precisely who I am. It's as if the slate's been wiped clean and I've been given a second chance in life. Not even that. As if I've reformatted my life and there'd be no trace whatsoever of what once was. I know I only have to change my last name when I get married, but well... I don't feel like my first name anymore.

I don't tell people this, but my name is actually a coinage from the phase 'Vision for Malaysia'. My being Malaysian is central to my whole identity. My father came up with it, hoping that I would epitomise what our then young country was heading towards. 10 years later, Vision 2020 came along, clarifying it further. Great expectations? I know all about it.

And I know I've fallen short. I am painfully aware of that. That I'm not what I am supposed to be. I want to do so much, but I guess, I've forfeited that. I'll never be a trailblazer, a freedom fighter, a social activist, an advocate for causes. Do I even want to be all that? No. I'm even rethinking my wish for a life less ordinary.

Because being ordinary is good. I don't want to be a hot shot. I don't want to be a somebody. I just want to blend in the masses. Be invisible. Be normal. I really want to be normal.

But I've never been normal. Normal in the way that I'm forgettable. Almost everyone I meet remembers me. If not because of my name, its because I somehow managed to get into all sorts of trouble, even if my intentions were good. I somehow always stood out.

I guess in a way, my name has served me. Because I never found keychains with my name and characteristics, I had to find out for myself what I was really like. I was never put into a box that said, 'Mary - kind sweet pure etc'. It offered me the freedom to be less conventional and more experimental. And fitting in.. I never worried about fitting in. I was happy with myself, doing the things I wanted to do.

And now Renee... it means re-born. I had originally thought that if I had a daughter, I'd name her that. Because it's a beautiful name. Because it would mean that she'd be like a phoenix thats been resurrected from the ashes, renewed and reborn. And in a way, I do feel like I'm being reborn into something else. A new phase of my life, I guess.

This is the part where I give it all up. There's no having it all. You pick and choose, you prioritise. Don't I want to do all the things I talked about? Throw a dart on the world map and go where it lands? Join the UN Peace Corps? Take a year off just helping the childen in Peru? Learn Esperanto (look it up)? Of course I do.

But at the end of the day, all my dreams of adventure are just a symptom of the fact that I'm not grounded. I was restless because I never stayed anywhere long enough to really take root. Growing up, I was always moving from one place to another... Kelantan, KL, Melacca, Penang, Kuala Kangsar and finally, Taiping. And I've finally realised what I'm looking for is some sort of stability. Security, if you must.

Will grounds me. I'm content when I'm with him. Whatever dreams I had about discovering places thats never been discovered before and always wanting to know whats around the river bend just melts away whenever I'm in his arms and I could just happily stay there forever. I don't feel that I need to do anything, be anything. When I'm with him, I just am.

I guess thats all that matters to me. Because at the end of the day, the prospect of a house in the suburbs, living happily ever after with my husband and possibly a cat named Booty and a dog named Kooky actually does rock my boat. I look forward to it. Of course I still have dreams. But I dream different dreams now, dreams that can be shared with him. Like having a house by a lake and going camping in our own backyard. Like setting up businesses together, a little restaurant with a bakery. I really am buying into the 'American dream', aren't I?

And I guess thats where I have to shed my old name for Renee. Vysia as a name is too intriguing, too uncommon, too conspicious. It elicits too much attention, people always do a double take at it, treat it warily, not knowing what to expect. Well, Renee will never be treated like that, they'd never have to wonder how to pronouce it, and quite quickly sum you up and leave you be to go your own way. Renee is more... 'in and of the world'.

You think; what's in a name, its just a synonym for me, right? But it's not.

It influences how people see you. How they treat you. It's your calling card before you even arrive.

Anyway, why am I thinking about all this when I've been trying to avoid it?

Because after meeting with Jason, I met up with Petra for updates, girl talk and gossip at Delicious and then we adjourned to Attic where we also met up with another friend of mine. I had a cosmopolitan and a La Dolce Vita. And thanks to that, I now have horribly painful, itchy hives around my chest, neck, and shoulders. So I'm hiding out at the cybercafe hoping that no one at my hostel catches me at it. And now that it's almost 3am, I'm too afraid to walk back home on my own, so I'll wait out here till morning when the guard lets me in. Huhuhuuuu...

Wedding dress

Joined my friend for late breakfast (until 3pm!) today at this restaurant near my place called Jarrod and Rawlins. I thought it'd be a regular breakfast but it turned out to be one of be best full English breakfasts I've ever had! They also make the most perfect Eggs Benedine ever, and their sausages were yummy! I made a mental note to take Will there when he comes here.


It was totally decadent, they even served champagne for breakfast (okay, so I a bit jakon, never had champagne for breakfast before). Next time (and there will definately be a next time!) I go there, I want to try their French breakfast's pain au chocolat and see if it's as good as the one that I had at Laduree in Paris.


Was so stuffed at breakfast I had to skip lunch. But went out with my ex-roomie Chewy and we somehow ended up at Monte's in BSC having the same things over and over again. I am so sick of Monte's. Balik balik the same thing only. But what else is there anyway? Chillis, Ming Court, Dome... the usual. Haish. At least if we went to Bangsar Village we could've had more choices.


Was also at Delicious again with sis, as we met up to attend Blook's launch yesterday. One thing I really like about Delicious is that you always know what you're getting. Their service is always impeccable, and their food always taste great! I love their grilled seafood salad and their crispy skin salmon! Not to mention, their to-die-for brownies.


Blook's launch turned out to be pretty boring. Nothing great, we went to have a look, had a few sips of their cheap champagne, and then left to shop at the other boutiques around the area without even bothering to get the goodie bag. And I think I found my wedding dress in Envy Mie. Or at least, got an idea as to what my ideal wedding dress would look like. I really like mermaids, and this kind of dress is as close as it gets to a mermaid dress! But then it was a bit tight, so looked like I kena 'pau bak-chang'. Love love love this dress and I think I'm gonna buy it but waiting to see if Will likes it as well or not. I hope it's still there if he says he likes it, if not I'd be so heartbroken! Obviously not wearing the right support garments underneath, so got unsightly tummy bulge and monoboobs, hehehe.

Wedding plans

Sometimes I wonder if weddings are more for the parents than for the children. Sort of a closure for them to a point of life where their children are no longer theirs theirs. Something to help them let go.

I'm trying to plan two weddings in two different countries in a year. Between trying to take into account what both sets of parents want, draw up a budget and make initial arrangements, we haven't really had the time to think about, what more talk through what Will and I really want for our wedding(s).

I think if I had it my way I'd just rather have a intimate little ceremony with my closest family member and friends. At most, about 50 people attending. It would be somewhere isolated, like the beautiful beach just off the Datai. I'd wear a simple cotton dress and carry a bunch of handpicked wild orchids and have wild flowers in my hair. Killer heels beaded with irregular shaped pearls. Minimal makeup. I'd let my hair loose, and let the wind toss and tousle it as we say our vows. We'll have dinner on a boat. Then Will and I will sail off on our own for our honeymoon amidst the azure blue seas and we'll go deep water fishing and diving amidst the colourful fishes together.

I don't want to be bothered with yumchar, i don't want a church wedding, i don't want a huge banquet full of people I hardly know. I don't see a point of spending so much for just one day, even if I had the means to.

I don't see the big hoohah about weddings. Because ultimately, I just want to be with Will. Every day for the rest of my life. I want us to share our ups and downs together, talk nonstop until dawn like we always did when we were neighbours at the student village, read books and watch DVDs together.

Being so far apart sucks. I don't want to say 'I love you' over the phone anymore. I want to look into his eyes and say it to his face and show him how much he means to me. Today he told me one of the things he misses most is the two of us huggled together under the duvet listening to the sound of raindrops hitting against the window on cold winter nights. I couldn't agree more. Those little things that you take for granted is what you miss most.

Maybe one of the reasons why I don't care so much about the weddings is because i know i'll have the life i've always wanted: A close-knit family and a gorgeous husband who'll always love me and whom I'll always love, and most importantly look up to and respect. Someone I wholeheartedly trust and know that I can depend on.

Back to planning the weddings. I really don't know where to start. I don't know what I'm supposed to do even. I need a wedding planner! Any suggestions?

I'm in safe hands

Dear friends,

Some of you expressed some reservations about my getting married and leaving everything behind. You worry about what-ifs and what nots, about what may happen should anything bad happen.

Well don't. I have never been so sure about anything before. I love him. We're committed to making this work. We've known each other for over 3 years now, and he's never caused me any grief. On the contrary, he's been everything I could ever ask for in a man and more.

I know I've made mistakes in my past. I was young. I was naive. I wasn't a great judge of character. But you know what? We learn from our past mistakes. And you need to taste the bitter before you can appreciate the sweet. And I am so thankful to have met Will when I'm so much better able to appreciate how amazing he is.

I have found the one who loves me as me, and whom I love as is. I have found the one whom I'll love and cherish for the rest of my life, and I have no doubt that he would do the same.

I'd like to share with you something that he recently wrote to me. I hope that it would quieten your doubts and please please please, be happy for me.

* * *

You're in safe Hands.

I just wanted to let you know a few things as I'm afraid you may not already know.

When you sleep at night sometimes you have nightmares. Often all it takes is a kiss on your forehead and a few strokes of your hair for you to return to your natural, peaceful sleep, as you realise you're in safe hands.

Sometimes, when you're stressed out or scared, you hug me tighter and a bit longer. I watch out for times like this and hug you that bit tighter and for that bit longer too to let you know you're in safe hands.

You need to know that I would do anything for you and have chosen to dedicate my life to looking after you as best I can. I may not be perfect but I promise I would never intentionally hurt you or lie to you or be unfaithful. I will not end up losing my desire or my ambition as the years pass and I don't want you to either. I want to support you to achieve all you can and take pleasure in seeing your happiness as a result of achieving all the amazing things that you are destined for.

You should know that you never have to try to be a certain person around me. It's you as you are that I love and will always love. It's Vysia Yong Vee Ysia who will always be in safe hands, in this life and the next.

* * *

We've just bought a house and we're getting married next year.. we're really looking forward to starting our married life together.

^_^

fiance and i in paris

Goodbyes and farewells

It was the last day of school today.

The end of three bittersweet month's worth of sleepless nights, sweat and tears. The end of the most fulfilling time of my life getting to know the children that I teach, loving them and wanting the best that life can offer for them.

Had to give a speech in front of the assembly today. Had to choke back tears as I read my speech in front of the assembly:

"To all of you students. Without you I wouldn’t be a teacher.

To the classes that I teach – 5A, 4A & 4C, thank you for being such wonderful students. It’s been a pleasure teaching all of you. I hope that you’ve learnt as much from me as much as I did from you.

Most of all I hope you value what you’ve learnt. That you value your education and grow up to be all that you can be. I want all of you to realise that coming to school is not just about learning how to read, write, count; that it’s also about developing yourselves to become better persons.

If we meet again when you’ve grown up, I don’t just want to know that you know what nouns are, or that you can let me know what a climax of a story is, or whether you can tell me whether bear and bear is a homophone or a homograph.

I want to know that you’ve learnt how to be a better person in my class – that you know what friendship is, that to have friends you have to be a friend. That you know how to respect each other, and yourselves. That you know your roots, where you’ve come from, and that you make an effort to preserve your heritage. Can you promise me that?"

I meant everything that I said. There's nothing more I wish for them than to be the best they can be. I guess you never know how much you care about people until the time comes when you have to part...

Anyway, some pictures of the last day at school with 5A.

the cheeky monkey boys

my girls

with flowers from the girls

gifts and handmade cards from them

Burnt Out

Just too tired.

I don't know how much longer I can take this anymore.

Much as I love teaching, it's beginning to seem to be the most physically and emotionally draining job ever. The lesson plans, the teaching aids, the reflections, action research, the extra-curricular activities... everything. I'm stretched so thin I'm reaching breaking point.

4 hours of sleep every night, that if I'm lucky, what with the noise from the construction of the Zehn apartments keeping me up. What the hell - why use heavy, noisy machinery in the middle of the night? I'm surprised that the other residents in Bukit Pantai aren't complaining - but they're probably cozily cocooned in their air-conditioned, sound-proof nests to be bothered.

We have to write detailed lesson plans. Every step of the way. One lesson plan takes at least 2 hours to write, and an hour to execute. We're expected to have teaching aids, realia, interesting, colourful stuff to keep the students engaged - thats all good, if, we can afford the time and the money spent on all those things. Sometimes it seems like we're not training to be teachers, we're being groomed to be entertainers.

This black hole of a teaching practise is slowly but surely sucking me in. It's rare that I get to spare the time to go out with my friends, I can't afford to eat out anymore because all my resources are diverted into my teaching aids and whatnot (I'm not allowed to cook - so its maggi mee every night, and I'm really really sick of it). What wouldn't I give to have a decent conversation with an adult?

I can't do this anymore. I'm tired, broke, frustrated. We're expected to survive on RM265 a month. And we all know how far that can go. That amount can't even last me a week, what with the taxi fares from Bangsar to Bandar Utama, to and fro everyday, the amount of things I have to spend on for my materials and teaching aids. My funds are fast running dry and it's not as if I've been spending extravagantly. And here's me, refusing help from my mum, because well, she's still got to put my sister and brothers through college.

I'm not surprised if anyone wants to break the contract and leave now. I'd encourage them to go for it, in fact. Because sometimes it seems like we're fighting a losing battle, sometimes it seems that all our efforts are in vain, and the very people who should be trying to help and back us up, are determined to make our lives difficult and miserable.

This 2 months teaching has been an eye opener, and much as I want to contribute and do something for the country, I need to think about myself as well. I can't go on like that. There are other ways of doing contributing, other means of making a difference.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

the courage to change the things I can change...

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

Sayang

Was showing my students how to do sit-ups for their Ujian Kecergasan when I heard a cracking sound and felt a sharp pain in my chest.

That was when I remembered that my ribs still hasn't mended from the accident.

It scared the hell out of me. Especially when I couldn't move.

The poor kids. I must've scared them half to death.

They were crying, "Miss Yong, you ok? Miss Yong... Miss Yong... Miss Yong?" I just managed to smile briefly and asked them to help me get up.

I looked at their concerned little faces and was really touched. Then I joked that I was getting old, which seemed to diffuse the situation a little bit...

Ah well.

I seriously sayang my students la. Anyone would, they're such a lovable bunch. Even Lau, our new temp teacher, said that they managed to worm their way into his heart. Such sweet kids.

I tend to dote on the naughtier ones more though. The ones who gives me the most problems, the ones the other teachers just roll their eyes at the mention of their names.

There was once a lesson went awry and I had to leave the class to cry because I was just so angry and frustrated (I know, so unprofessional - but I was PMSing as well) and the kids actually came up to me and said sorry. I was so embarrassed - they weren't supposed to know!

Even more surprisingly, my 'samseng' boys from Standard 6 somehow managed to get wind of it and came up to me saying, "Teacher, you cried ah? Nevermind, next time anyone disturb you, you tell us ok? We settle for you". So cute!!! Obviously I didn't say that to their faces la, must pei mein a bit - so I just said thank you and assured them I was ok.

It's the knowing that I've rubbed off on them, that they also love and care about me... little things like that that makes it all worthwhile. Yes, there are times when kids will be kids, sometimes they drive me up the wall and through it. There are times when sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. Times when I just want to throw in the towel.

But for all the bad, there are also times when I feel like I'm flying high. I love teaching them, doing activities together, I love seeing the light finally dawn on them when they finally get something that they have struggled to understand... that's what makes it all worth it.

They're growing up so fast! Too fast. I want them to stay they way they are forever. Sometimes I feel so protective over them - I don't want them to get hurt. I want to protect them from all the challenges that life will probably throw at them. But I know I can't. All I can do is to help them learn the skills they need to cope, build their character and help them prepare for whatever life throws at them.

I wonder if it's normal to feel like that. Could it just be one of the phases that new idealistic teachers go through? Could it be because they're my first batch of students? Would I turn indifferent after a long time in the profession like some of the teachers I've met? Am I being too idealistic?

I don't know. I have no answers. Just tons of questions swimming in my mind.

All I know is that I damn sayang them.

Headhunted

I've been getting some offers lately from some private institutions.

I could teach in a private school, or even be a lecturer at a college if I want... I can have all these before I even get my degree.

Which makes me wonder... what kind of standards do these institutions have?

Yes, I went to Marjon and am potentially getting a very prestigious degree from Exeter University. But I don't have it yet... I haven't even proven myself in this career. And to be offered such a position with such great pay and benefits without having to do anything is mind-boggling.

Just because someone has a degree doesn't make them good at what they do. Training, experience, and the willingness to go the distance is what makes someone good at what they do. Not a piece of paper. And while that piece of paper proves that you have gone through the gruelling demands that life in uni has placed upon you, it isn't enough...

Don't get me wrong, I am flattered to be sought after. I am glad to receive such offers. But the whole incident kind of brings out a niggling doubt in me about the credibility of these private institutions. What quality of education that they are providing for their students, if they accept, and seek after just about anyone with a relevent degree, sans training to teach their students?

Anyway, I've turned down the offers.

Because I believe in giving back what has been given to me. In helping those who need it most. In being the difference that makes the difference. Who, what, where would I be today had all the amazing teachers who taught me back in my primary and secondary days selfishly left our schools for a fatter paycheck and better benefits? The really good ones stay in service, because they know that now, more than ever, theres a need for dedicated, committed teachers to nurture our young ones... especially those who need it the most in our public schools.

I am attached to a school where the students come vastly different socio-economic backgrounds. There are the very rich students who have everything they want, and there are also kids from squatter areas surrounding Bandar Utama. I love my students all the same, but I find that I worry less about the rich kids than I do about my less fortunate kids because I know that they have a support system and don't really need me, because I know that they're grounded, they're allright.

I worry more about my less fortunate students. I try to be there for them more, because some of them come from abusive backgrounds, or are generally neglected because they've got busy parents and/or too many siblings. And with no one there to guide them, to instill values and generally nurture their personalities and build their characters, I worry that they will lose their way and get into trouble, because they don't know any better. Which is why I try to develop their self-worth, to emphasise the importance of having 'maruah diri', and to never do anything that they, their parents, or anyone who care about them, would be ashamed of.

And who better to do it than teachers? I cannot think of any single other profession with such power to make such a difference in not just the lives of others, but also the future of a society and nation.

I've been given so much, been blessed with such wonderful people around me, who have helped me and groomed me to realise my potential to be all that I can be.

I think it's about time that I do my part and give something back and do the same for others.

moments like these...

Last night, my housemates and I stayed up until the wee wee hours in the morning trying to finish up our action research proposal.

I can't remember how long it's been since we've sat together on the floor like that, heavy lidded but determined to finish up our work. Since we've started our teaching practise, we've been missing some dorm members and I only realised how much I missed them yesterday, when we just sat there and sang old old songs to keep ourselves awake.

I'll miss these moments.

Nevermind we don't have clean water to bathe in, much less drink. Nevermind the fact that the dorms are so overcrowded that we have to double deck our beds just so that we have some room to navigate around the room. Nevermind that we only have one working toilet and one working bathroom shared between 16 people.

Nevermind all that. Because we're happy.

I love the way we're always there for each other. How they tolerate my 'berkemban-ing' in a sarong all the time because it's so bloody hot and I can't stand it. Nevermind that one of us happens to be a 'gropist' who can't resist rounded breasts on display. I'm just amazed at how we manage to live together in relative harmony (save for squabbles involving the toilet and bathrooms) and how we tolerate each other's little quirks and idiosyncrasies.

I will miss all that when we finish our final year and go our own separate ways.

. . .

I wish that everything would remain the way they are.

But I know, I have to let go. For now, I'll write this down so that I will always remember moments like these.

My Life as Miss Yong

Came back to Malaysia (even more pokai then when I went), and had to go to school for practicum the next day...

BUD (4) is great! I love the school, the teachers are so nice and cooperative, and the students are just so lovable!

I never thought I'd enjoy teaching so much, but the more I do it, the more I feel like, "i'm meant for this, this *is* my calling". It sounds so corny and so uncool though.

I remember in secondary school, no one (at least none of my friends) ever put 'teacher' as an ambition. People wanted to be CEOS, get into PR, be journalists, own their own businesses - jobs that were more glamourous and definately paid very well. To say that you wanted to be a teacher would probably incite derision and lots of teasing from peers.

But as fate would have it, I landed on a scholarship to read Teaching English as a Second Language at Marjon in UK. Hated it at first, rebelled like mad, but ended up joining them when I couldn't beat them. And when I finally accepted it, I began to like it. And now, there's so much joy in teaching that I can't imagine doing anything else.

I've learnt so much. Not just from the 6 years of training that I've had, but also from my students, my co-operating teachers and supervisors. Sharon Bakar, my moderator, has been so helpful and I can't help but be so motivated to try my best and help my children as best I can.

It's only been a month that I've been in that school, but it feels like i've been there forever. The easy familiarity with the teachers, the students hanging out at my table during free periods, the ups and downs that working with people bring. And I've become a better person because of it.

For one, I'm a lot more patient. Dealing with 43 hyperactive year 1 students really does develop that aspect of your personality. In my first week, I was so angry I almost tied a student to his chair and went to that class armed with masking tape to threathen them to be quiet. But now I've learnt how not to lose my temper and how to turn things around so that, well, if they won't be able to sit still and be quiet, I'm determined that the noise and movement they make will be productive noise - which would usually involve action songs like 'c-o-c-o-n-u-t' and 'a-p-p-l-e', so that they learn their alphabets at the same time get to move around and have fun.

The upper primary is a different ball game altogether. Like Adam and Eve after they've taken a bite from the tree of knowledge, the children are more and more aware of their gender differences. Boys and girls become segregated - their bodies are changing and they're ashamed of it. Just the other day, I did sports with the Year 5 students, and the girls were holding their t-shirts away from their chests. I was wondering why, and it finally dawned upon me that they were ashamed of their budding breasts.

I sat all the girls down around me and told them what was happening and how they ought to be proud they were becoming women. And I was shocked that some of the girls were never told about these things. Not by their mothers, and definately not by their other teachers. Why? They ought to be informed about whats happening to themselves, so that they accept these changes. And then I spoke to the boys. About how to be men, and things that I wish sometimes most grown men were taught when they were younger. About respecting women, and people in general, no matter who they are... (I caught one boy being rude to the cleaner and gave him hell for being disrespectful), because people matter and they have feelings, no matter what station they are in life.

Perhaps its too late with most men of my generation, but I hope its not too late for theirs. Or at least, these boys that I'm teaching. I've noticed a change in the classroom. They're more respectful towards each other. Groupwork is no longer gender biased, the girls no longer complain about the boys and vice versa. There's no more 'boys-against-girls' atmosphere in the classroom anymore. And it's such joy to teach a class like that (classroom management is so much easier when there's no protests about who being in which group).

Maybe I aim too high. I don't merely want to teach them the contents of the curriculum - I want to develop their characters, I want them to 'sek chou yan' (learn how to be people). In a way, I am disillusioned with our society - I don't agree with the way we treat each other sometimes.

Whatever.

I will strive to make things better - if not for me, then for others.

Some time ago, a teacher taught my class a poem. Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann. It was a lesson that I would never forget. I asked for a copy, and pasted it in my diary, and promised myself that I apply those principles in my own life.

Next week, I will pass it on.

I'm far from perfect - I have done things I'm not proud of... but I'm learning, and trying to be the best I can be.

* * *

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

My sister Vynie

Spent some time with my sister today. It's been almost a month since we've last met up, as it's almost impossible to arrange a time thats convenient for the both of us. So yesterday when she texted me about how much she's been missing her jie jie and wanted to meet up, I thought, what the hell, exam or no exam, my little sister comes first.

Went looking for a mother's day present for mom, and also thought of getting a 'care package' full of essential college things for our brother, as his birthday is coming up soon and he's just been accepted to do an engineering course. Heh, finally, a science person in the family!

We got stuff from Topshop, and on our way to Dragon-I, we were hassled to try out the Estee Lauder model search thingy. Quite intruiging, especially the hair makeover thingy by A Cut Above, but then we both don't use Estee Lauder products and don't like the idea of our faces being put up in public for the world to see, so decided not to. If we want a hair makeover, we'd much rather go to the salon than have it done in front of gawking strangers.

Dragon-I's xiao loong pao is the bestest! I first tried it last Wednesday at One Utama with Khuin Weng, and have been craving them ever since! Thank goodness we didn't go to Paddingtons, I'd have lost out on one of the bestest lai mein and xiao loong pao places ever! So to date, although he's waxed lyrical about Paddington's pancakes, I've actually never tried them. Maybe pancakes just don't tickle my fancy.

I wish I could've taken a picture of my sister's face when she took her first bite into the xiao loong pao. Confirm bestest xiao loong pao ever. We ordered sichuan lai mein, which was so-so, but only prolly because it had toasted groundnuts in it for some reason... gave us both a headache. I wonder which lai mein is the yummiest though... anyway, i sense the beginning of a monthly xiao loong pao ritual happening between us. Heh.

Couldn't find anything Mother's Day-ish for mum, everything seems so commercialised. We'd love to make her a card, but we're both busy at the moment, she's got her final ACCA exams to study for, and I have mine. We did look for a card at MPH, but then she's not just anyone, she's our mum, store bought card cannot la. Too impersonal and seems a bit callous. Would like to go back to Taiping, all of us together, and cook her a nice dinner, but then again... too tiring and too busy. And we hate Puduraya.

There's something I absolutely love about being with my sister. It's the fact that I can totally relax and let it all hang out with her, because I know she loves and worships the ground her 'jie-jie' walks on, although she's seen the bad hair mascara years, glittery cheeks, ridiculous crushes on silly boys and the underwear kicked under the bed. The fact that we accept each other as is, no questions asked. I love the shared understanding... we never actually have to say anything, because one look - that little wriggle of the nose, the lift of an eyebrow - is all it takes to say it all. Its a relationship thats so utterly taken for granted, but we know that anytime any one of us is in trouble, the other will be there. We can always count on each other.

It's not to say I'm mushy about her. I hate her sometimes, there are times when I'd like to strangle her and pull out her hair, but if anyone ever dares hurt my sister, they'd have a very angry virago to contend with. After all, she's my baby sister, the only one I've got.

And I don't know what life would be without her.

making it on my own

A bombshell dropped. Suddenly I feel so alone. So... abandoned.

I just realised that I have nothing left here anymore. That my life isn't here anymore. That I don't belong here.

2 years away...

Thats enough to change everything. And there's no point trying to force things to be the same, they aren't, and they will never be. People I've loved and cared for, they're no longer the same... or rather, I'm not the same anymore.

It's come to a point when I meet up with old friends and realise that we have nothing in common anymore, and that we're actually only seeing each other for old time's sake. Because we've all moved on with our lives.

I have a problem. My problem is that I tend to depend on others. That I need guidance. It doesn't seem that way, I give the impression that I've got it all under control, that I'm independant and don't need anyone.

But I do. I've always had someone on the sidelines, cheering me on. Giving me advise on what to do. A safety net in case I fall.

I guess now all harnesses have been cut off, and the safety net's been taken away.

The moment of reckoning... it's do or die.

And this chick's learning to spread her wings and fly.

people matter

I took a taxi to Puduraya yesterday and at the end of my journey, I was very surprised when the taxi driver thanked me and said he was glad he stopped for me. What he said surprised me.

"I've been a taxi driver for about 3 months now, and so far, you're the only one who treated me like a person".

I was shocked. Appalled. He must meet at least 5 people a day, and of all these people that he might have met in the past 3 months, none of them treated him like a person?

It's sad, really, for as soon as you forget the people matter, you cease to be in touch with your humanity. You forget what life is about, why you were put here in the first place. You lose sight of what is important. You get so caught up in trying to be successful that you forget what success really means.

I'm really disturbed by this.

Some may argue that times have changed, we now live in a selfish, materialistic world. But doesn't it just mean that there is now, more than ever, the need for us to be more compassionate?

It scares me. Because once we lose our humanity, our humane-ness, whats to keep us from destroying each other, and ultimately, ourselves?

I wish I could talk to someone about this. I wish someone would tell me that everything's going to be allright in this world. That it's not true what the taxi driver said. I wish someone would restore my faith in our society. In people. But I read the news and everyday, I get more and more cynical. I read about cold blooded murders, random shootings, grandmothers being raped, pregnant women's bags being snatched, little girls' innocence cruelly taken away by people who are supposed to be their protectors. Evil prey on the vulnerable, and what are the ones in the position to protect doing?

I guess thats why we need superheroes. If not in real life, then in fantasy. Spiderman, Batman, Superman - if just to escape cruel reality that, really, no one is there to help us. But really, what is the heart of the message in those comics? That only those blessed with supernatural powers and courage will be able to do something whilst the rest of us look on, feel horrified, and then look away and do own own things, carrying on as we did before, apathetic.

Apathy. The antithesis of life itself. Someone once told me that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Once that indifference has set in, there's no reviving love anymore. Once people are apathetic, they're as good as dead. How many people we see today are but empty shells? How did they end up like that? They must have used to care once, but somewhere along the way, things happened to make them give up. Will I end up like that too, not too long from now?

I'm thinking too much.

But I'm at a point now where I'm re-examining my values, attitudes and beliefs. I'm at a time where I have discounted my 'I will never...' list and have opened up to the possibilties that well, I might. *shrugs*. I'm accepting the fact that things aren't neatly divided into sections of black and white, but rather, comes in shades of grey. And I've learnt that I just have to trust myself to make the judgement of whats best for me. Because ultimately, it is my life and no one else is going to live it for me. I have to be accountable for all the decisions I make, and take into account the people who will be affected by those decisions.

I'll keep Emily Dickinson's words close to heart, that --

"We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies."

Well, today I decide that people matter. That everyone I meet, however briefly, come out of the encounter feeling that they're worth something, that they matter. Perhaps then, with the knowledge that someone believes in them, their statures will truly touch the heavens.

We can all be heroes.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Must be earned.

A friend and I were talking about our module evaluations yesterday. About a certain lecturer, Dr. R, doesn't really have anything content-related to say during lectures and tutorials. We mimicked him, we mocked him, we made lots of fun of him. And then another friend said, "Eh, respect a bit la, he's still our lecturer, you know".

That sparked off a whole discussion about respect.

I am of the opinion that respect is not accorded. You don't get respect because you've got certain qualifications, or because you're in a position of power or authority. No, for me, it has to be earned.

It's who you are that gets respect. Your character, attitudes, believes, values... you get respect by proving yourself over and over again, by being dependable, by being worthy. It starts with respect for yourself, and for those around you. It reflects on the way you carry yourself, the words you speak and the words you don't, as well the little things you do or don't do.

If what you do or what you say is not worthy of respect, you can demand to be respected all you want, but you're never going to get it. The only way to actually get respect is to be worthy of it - and then it comes automatically.

And I hope I am worthy.

Just this once...

"At some moment or other one is absent-minded, and that is enough!" - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

All it takes is that one time.

One careless moment, and you're pregnant. One moment of recklessness that might give you AIDS. One moment of inattention before you crash your car. One moment of anger when you say words you don't mean to hurt the ones you love.

And things change from that moment on.

Never take your eye off the ball.

butterfly effects

sometimes i wonder what would be if September 11 never happened. if i got my visa and took up NYU's scholarship instead. if i had not gone through form 6, this course and went to UK. if the last 6 years of my life was spent in new york.

would i be with the likes of oi yen, working in new york, a sophisticated cosmo girl ready to take on whatever life may throw at her? i would never have met the people who have enriched my life so much, sally, doreen, bansi, odil, raymond, alven, will... but who's to say that i won't meet others that will help me grow in different ways? who's that say that maybe, kalau ada jodoh, we would all meet one day, only in different circumstances?

there is a belief in karma that says that the people you meet today are people you are somehow destined to meet because of your relationship in your past life. that there are no chance encounters. perhaps its true. perhaps every encounter leaves you a different person, and lead to an aspect of yourself that you've not realised had you not met them.

so as far as karma goes, we are all put here for a reason. as a reaction for every decisions we make. and if we are to be so intricately linked, wouldn't one minor decision affect the lifes of others as well, those whom we've met, as well as those whom we've not met?

i don't know. i have no answers, only questions.

so back to here and now. perhaps i'm being optimistic by saying that there is some divine reason behind every mundane event. perhaps the lesson here is so that i'll be able to able to recognise and appreciate the better when it comes along.

perhaps the lesson is to make the ordinary, extraordinary.

Perfect

I don't want to have half-hearted love affairs
I need someone who really cares
Life is too short to play silly games
I've promised myself I won't do that again
--- Fairground Attraction, "Perfect"

How many times have we settled for second best, how many times do we restrain from trying to get the best, be the best, because if we did, we'd lose the comfort and security that second best sometimes give?

Too many times, methinks.

But as Anais Nin so succinctly put it, "there comes a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud is more painful that the risk it takes to blossom". And yes, there comes a time when realisation that you've got everything to lose if you don't try to reach out and grasp whatever it is that you want moves you to take action.

Like walking away from a good, but problematic relationship into a better one. Risking everything for something you believe is worth it.

It's not that I'm advocating jumping ship whenever problems arise. Not at all. But sometimes, enough is enough, there is only so much that you can take, so much you can do to try to resuscitate it.

The worst of relationships don't falter because of the big things like infidelity, but rather it gets worn away by the little things - words left unsaid, unreturned phone calls, occational put-downs made jokingly. The image of someone, a Miss Havisham of sorts, sadly blowing out candles and putting away the wine glasses after spending the whole day cooking and anticipating the moment, of great expectations let down and futile hope, evokes heartwrenching pity. Swinging between hope and dissapoinment does take a huge toll..

But sometimes, its not that easy to walk away, especially when it comes to love. If someone came along and seemed to understand me, see through the facades and break through barriers to reach into the most sensitive part of my heart - made me feel special and loved and go all wobbly - I probably wouldn't know how to walk away from that.

Because that alone, that idea that someone understands, would probably justify staying with someone who's personality of Jekyll and Hyde, with moodswings and the ability to make you feel so so small, so damned, so taken for granted. Because for all the bad, there is the good. Its just a matter of turning a blind eye.

But the reality of the situation is that it's not about turning blind eyes to situations like these. Sooner or later it wears you down, you become something you're not, you ultimately lose yourself. And really, any unpleasant situation that is unpleasant enough to make you feel so depressed you want to die, is just not worth it.

And when you do take that difficult first step, everything falls into place.

All it takes is that one first step.

And hopefully things will be on its way to being, well, if not perfect, better.

Independance is...

At first glance, independence seems like the way forward – being able to party all night, having the freedom to have McDonald’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and being able to go anywhere you want, anytime you please, without your parents nagging in the background. But after the novelty has worn off, reality sinks in.

Instead of having the wings to fly freely, other things come into the picture to ruin your idyllic freedom. Things like responsibility, and like trying desperately to reconcile debit with credit. Then you realise that freedom comes with a very high price. And you learn.

You learn that spending £80 on a pair of boots does is not worth spending a month eating nothing but potato-based food, even if those CFM boots make you feel a whole feet taller. You learn that there are bills to pay – or the debt collection agency to deal with. You learn that going to Italy for a week alone and rooming in a dodgy hostel near the red light district just because it was cheap without telling anyone about it isn’t a good idea.

You learn that even the poshest meal at Harvey Nichol’s Fifth Floor restaurant does not come close to your mom’s home cooked sambal petai.

Most of all, you realise all too late now that you’re all grown up, you miss being a little girl without a care in the world.

— Vysia Yong, 23
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/8/27/lifefocus/20060827101103&sec=

femme fatale

Stuff you should know by now...

A friend of mine shared this with me. Thought I should pass it on...

STUFF YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It’s not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

27. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Past, Present, Future

It was a time of trials, a time of many doubts. Present was confused. Scared. Lost. She had to find her way to where destiny led. Alone, afraid, she did not know what to do.

She looked to Past, Past offered her the comfort of familiarity. Past offered memories of things once were; familiarity as reassuring as a much loved old blanket. Past promised to take care of Present, to make sure that everything was alright by paving the way for Present. Past said it would lead the way.

But Past could only go so far.

Past could not step into the present, although Past had affected Present so much. Moulded her, shaped her into what she was now; the Professor Higgins to her Eliza Doolittle.

Present was at loss. She longed for the solace of the known. Present was stuck on Past, clouded by the need for Past's reassuring presence. But Past remained in the past.

Future loved Present. But Present was afraid of the unknown - afraid of Future. Did she deserve all this? Future had so much to offer, anything was possible. Future could give her anything she wanted, fulfil all her fantastical dreams and whimsy wishes. Future offered possibilities, endless opportunities. All Present had to do was to accept. And believe. Future promised to take care of Present, but could only do so if she takes care of herself first.

So there it was, the fork in the road. One led to Past, the other to Future.

Present had to choose. She could choose the reassuring presence of Past… or she could choose to embrace Future with all the endless prospects.

Present looked to Past. And then to Future. She took a few steps back to Past, it was so tempting to cling on to what was familiar. But Present knew, deep down, that Future was better for her. And though uncertain of what might be, she bade farewell to Past, turned around, and ran towards Future…

But did they live happily ever after?

Who knows? Past could only do so much. It's now up to Present… and Future.

Well, if you could sneak a peek into the last chapter in the book of your life, would you?

Of glass ceilings and nike shoes

Unbelievable.

This is the 21st century, not Zaman Jahilliyah when men used to dominate and a woman's role was to be the whore in the bedroom and the maid in the kitchen.

But this kind of mentality is still evident today.

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about the future of the country. I'm talking about democracy. I'm talking about gender equality.

We had a sports fraternity meeting today. Rumah Merah. We had to choose a leader. Out of the 4, Sally had 70++ votes, and another guy had about 60 votes.

We were all happy that Sally, who used to be the Terengganu's state player, was involved in BUSA (British University Sports Association, I think), was IPBA's olahragawati of the year etc, won.

Obviously you'd imagine that the one with the highest votes would win.

But no, some guy came up (I think his name was Faiz or something I need to know what his name is) and gave the suggestion that the leader should be a guy.

The surprising thing is, the rest of the group agreed. About 60% of this group were women.

And so, instead of being the leader, Sal was demoted to hold the post as the assistant. It doesn't matter if she's got more experience, it doesn't matter that she's proven herself to be damn good at what she does. She's not a man, and therefore, should not be leader.

Even the lecturers didn't say a word against it.

What kind of sexist MCP mentality is this?!

Does this mean that there will never be a female Prime Minister in Malaysia? That no matter how much calibre a woman has, there will always be a glass ceiling above her, and she will never be given what is due to her simply because she is a woman? Could it be that in addition to other things like sexist men like Faiz holding us back, we are our own worst enemy?

These are people who are going to be teachers. Is this the mentality that we want our kids to be taught through a hidden curriculum? That no matter what, males reign supreme, and women should only assist him in doing what he has to do, hold secretarial posts and be AJK makanan dan minuman? Would you want your daughters to grow up thinking that they have to depend on men? Would you want them to limit themselves and not strive to be the best they can be, because it's pointless. There's always the glass ceiling at the end of the day.

It's just wrong. And its so frustrating that after so many years, after Emmeline Pankhurst, Bettie Friedan, and the sufferages, this kind of mentality still stains the way we measure a person's worth and capabilities.

I am not against having a guy as a leader. If he had won the most votes, then fair enough. But for someone to actually have the audacity to say that it would be 'better for the future of the club' that a guy should be a leader instead of a girl, well that borders on insult.

This masochism is one this that I will NEVER miss about my country.

Culture syiok

Some things I notice about Malaysia since coming back for hols...

1. People here talk funny. Not Malaysian kind of funny, but funny in the sense of they've got a 'chaplang' accent of American-ish drawl plus British accent plus a bit of Auzzie twang. And more often than not, these are people who's been born in raised locally, and have not spent a significant amount of time abroad, if at all. I cannot tahan one of the local deejays... I think Serena is her name but i may be wrong (heard in the taxi)... difficult to understand, talk too fast and with a weird accent thats sounds more like she too lazy to pronounce and enunciate her words than it does like a proper accent.

2. Things here are DAMN expensive. I don't know how people can survive here. I don't know how I survived here before either. Or maybe I've been on a budget for too long. Spending a week's rent on a bag in UK is living quite comfortably. But I see people spending a month's rent on a bag here without batting an eyelid. They must be earning a substantial amount of money, or have no savings at all. Crazy.

In UK I earn say, minimum wage is £5 an hour. But that can buy me:

Dorothy Perkins jeans on sale = £5

or

McDonalds Happy Meal = £1.99
Starbucks Mocha Frappuchino =£2.10
and have change left over

or

2-3 days worth of groceries, depending on what I buy from Asda/Tesco
ie:
broccoli 39p per lbs
2 beef steaks £2.99
one pack carrots 68p
one pack potatoes 99p
melon 68p

or one brand new book from a bookshop
or about 3 used books at £1.50 each that looks quite new from a charity shop.

In short, £5 (one hour's min wage) can buy A LOT.

Malaysia, minimum wage is RM3.50 an hour, which can buy:

One plate char koay teow
(cannot even buy drinks!)

I'm not sure what else it can buy. Selipar jepun also RM10! wahhh.. *shudders*

I'm damn poor here in Malaysia la... though I have £££ at hand, but when I look at the prices, I just shake my head and walk away because I think, it's not worth that kind of money. I think I can feel my nostrils getting narrower overnight... haha turning into a miserly old woman liao.

I think when I go back to UK I must get more work so that at least I have something to fall back on when I come back to work.

ALSO.

I noticed TOO many people carrying Vuitton and Gucci bags in Mid Valley and One Utama. More than usual I guess. The only other place I've ever seen this kind of phenomena is in Hong Kong.

It makes me wonder why people want to tayang diri like that considering my next point...

3. Crime rates. My sister was telling me about the TAR college boy who got stabed when he got mugged. And the snatch theft victim who became paralysed after an accident. And of a mother and baby who were also victims of a snatch thief. Its scary. That people are willing to rob, kill and maim for money.

The thing is, fingers immediately point to all the pendatang pendatang and buruh asing when its usually more often than not, drug addicts who are to blame. If they are capable of hurting the people closest and dearest to them, what chance to strangers have to appeal to their nonexistant 'humanity' and compassion?

Aneeway... on a lighter note...

I also found that men here are extremely well dressed. Some more quite lengchai. Not lengschai also dress so smart until u think they're quite eng tau and yau yeng. There're nothing I like more than well dressed, good looking metrosexuals to cuci mata on.

Malaysian girls damn chun also. All sau sau leng leng pak pak (slim, pretty and fair). Especially SLIM. How can they can live in a food paradise and not gain weight, is beyond me. I've gained a good 3kgs since coming back, and its only been a little over a week.

Excuse my use of colloquailism and chinese words that some may not understand. But i beh tahan the accents people put on here and am in a severe need to purge it from my system.

Last, but not least, I really miss the Malaysia I left behind...