Pine cones and holly berries...

It's the most wonderful time of the year, Christmas.

This year, it's simply marvelous celebrating with my family here. It seems like the whole UK side of the family is here. My cousin Yen Ling (who's only 2 days older than me), my aunt and uncle, and cousins Jade and Adam...

We had a lovely roast dinner for Christmas, then there was the dash for wrapping paper to wrap all the goodies and such. And we had a Chinese New Yeary feel to it as well, with a few rounds of mahjong. I won most of it! ^_^ What can I say? After all, I *am* Lady Luck's golden child. =P

The turkey is cooking in the oven, and everything is quiet this time of the night. I half expect Santa to creep stealthily down the chimney.

I'll be sad to see 2005 go. It's been a great year. A year of friendship and feasts, a year of endings and new beginnings. A year of laughter and tears, and most of all year of love and reunion.

It's probably been one of the happiest years of my life. This year is probably all my wishes and dreams come true and all my Christmas wishes/birthday presents put together. And for that I'm so very thankful.

And to all of you, thank you so much for sharing those joys, tears and laughter, championing my cooking feats, albeit vicariously, and perking me up by leaving little messages that somehow always bring a smile on the bleakest of days.

Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

Feliz Navidad

There was a series of mishaps in Barcelona. We didn't get to do things as planned.

Doreen got her bag stolen on our first day there. My lost my hp and some money on our last day there while i was in La Ramblas trying to get some souvenirs at the very last minute. I didn't realise it till we got back and unpacked. By then, it was already too late to make a police report and claim insurance...

*sigh*

Sigh, I don't even want to think how much 350 euros is in MYR.

But despite all that, i believe my faith in human goodness has been strengthed. Because someone found Doreen's bag and actually took the trouble to locate our hostel and return it.

Bless him.

It taught me a valuable lesson on kindness. On compassion. On going the distance to help others. On not letting even the left hand know when the right hand does the giving.

Still, I absolutely LOVE Barcelona and plan to go again before i leave. It's a city totally unsuitable for one night stands - it has an addictive quality to it that makes you want more...

Anyway, wish you all a Merry Christmas, and a very happy new year!

Off to Germany for 6 days next week. Hopefully it wouldn't be too expensive, if not i'll have to end up eating maggi mee everyday and not going into any interesting places cos the money i budgeted for Germany is all gone now...

I wish people would give out angpows for Christmas...

if you are my friend...

you must like to eat because i cook to relax.

one sign that I'm seriously stressed? I cook like mad.

as soon as I got back from the exam (which, by the way, was horrible if you had to ask), I raided the fridge for something to cook. All I had was 3 beefburger patties and 15 eggs, milk, one onion and some garlic.

I ended up making meatballs. Mash up patties, crack some eggs and add milk. Crumble a box of Ritz crackers, chop onions and mince garlic. Blend all together until they reach the right consistency, shape into balls and then fry. Easy peasy.

For the sauce, I used up the milk, added some pepper, salt and mixed herbs. Called Doreen over for dinner. We had leftover sauce and she suggested making bread with that... so off I went, haphazardly adding flour, salt and sugar and yeast and then pouring the gravy in. Shaped them into balls again and then left them to rise.

I got bored and used some to make pretzels... multishaped ones. They turned out surprisingly allright...

And the buns... they were really, really yummy! Nice and crusty outside and soft and tender inside. Tasted a bit like potato bread for some reason... ate them with honey and gave some to Sally and her housemates who had them with jam.

I can't believe how long it's been since I've last baked bread, and how much I miss it. Perfect activity for venting out frustrations and anger. Punch and hit the dough and knead, knead, knead! So therapeutic. No wonder most bakers look so happy all the time. I want to be a baker.

Meatballs and gravy, pretzels, and buns... not bad for 6 hours, eh?

I'm totally knackered now.

I'll start on my 2 assignments tomorrow. Scary, considering the deadline for the both of them is this Friday.

I think I'll prolly cook up a whole feast on Saturday morning and force-feed anyone who is still on campus then!

wonder

sometimes I wonder...

wonder if I'll ever achieve anything

wonder if I'll make it

wonder if all these things i'm going through mean anything

wonder if I'm doing the right things


i wonder about so many things...

of hows, whens and whys -

but questions only lead to more questions

and some questions...

well some questions, you don't just want them answered.

white november

it was the most beautiful view from the window... snow falling, gently blanketing the whole Village. It was awesome.

I love the snow. I love snowfights. I love making snowmen and giving them the biggest carrots and tomatoes as genitals.

I love the crunch of the snow when I walk on it. I love running in snow and having friends chase me, brandishing the biggest snowballs menacingly.

It was just awesome. Amazing, considering that its the first time in 4 years that it's snowed in Plymouth.

And you know what? I was so busy enjoying myself that I FORGOT TO TAKE PICTURES!!!

*regret*

Ah well, live the moment.

Nick drove to Asda. We had to actually scrape snow off the windshields and all that. The car was practically frozen. And no, Bansi and I didn't walk on the black ice. Bought shitloads of stuff, the whole boot and backseats were full. And also planned to cook Roy's Roast Lamb, and thus have it sitting nicely in the marinade for tomorrow's dinner. Whoopedee doo, can't wait.

Right company and I are talking again, thanks to Doreen. What she said made sense. It's better to lose your pride for the person you love, then to lose the person you love because of pride. I've been so stubborn, and it only served to make me even more miserable.

Am I glad I made the decision to swallow pride, pick up the phone and call it a truce? To admit that after months and months of trying to forget, running halfway across the globe away, meet new people, the one I was missing was right there all along. Beside me. Inside me. A part of me.

3 years...

Its a long time. Can a year apart help make you forget, inspire you to start afresh? I've gone out, done the things I've wanted to do - but should not have done, experimented with life, only to realise I had what I wanted all these while.

But do I regret it?

No. Right or wrong, they were my decisions. They were the catalyst in my growing up process. They made me realise how important what I took for granted were. They were pathways I took in search of self. And I'm glad I took the chance to experience all that. And am lucky enough to be able to realise where I went wrong, and take the U-turn back to the path I want to take.

But I don't know if it was the right decision, if he is the right person... I know I should not have doubts. He loves me so much. Too much. And a tiny weeny part of me doesn't think I deserve to be loved like that. Nor want to.

I don't want to be someone's faerie princess. I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I don't want to have the ground I walk on worshipped.

I just want the freedom to be me.

...

i want to be alone. but then again i don't want to be alone also.

neverending, the cycle.

i just need the right company. and right now right company and i aren't in contact with each other.

*sigh*

can't live with. can't live without.

c'est la vie?

Ahh.. don't we just love Orange Wednesdays?

Watched 2 films with Doreen today - The Libertine and Harry Potter. A bargain for a little less than £10 the two of us. Even the snacks cost us more than the tickets itself. Damnit, how can a tub of popcorn and 2 diet cokes cost £7 something?! Talk about daylight robbery!

By the time we got back it was half past midnight, and I went over to pick my laundry up at Bansi's. Ended up eating the vegan choc cake that I made for last night's vegetarian dinner party and playing a few rounds of GT or something (car racing game) with Nick and Bansi for an hour.

And I haven't touched the IT assignment that I'm supposed to hand in on Monday. Smart huh?

But it was a sunny day, too nice to waste on work anyway. Doreen and I had a good time at the movies, she shushing me up everything I made a remark and shoving chocolate nuts into my mouth to make herself feel less guilty about eating them. Tsk...

And *minah tu (* means 'that girl' in Malay) also forgot to lock her car doors. Which was amazing considering the fact what it was still in one piece more than 5 hours later. I'd hate to imagine what would happen if this were to happen in Malaysia...

On another note, theres this guy who just won't leave me alone. Keeps on trying to call and always kacau me on MSN whenever he sees me online. Its irritating. Its bad enough that he can't keep his effing hands to himself. I grimace involuntarily when I think of him.

You know what, if someone shows NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, please do try to leave off. It is annoying. And guess what? You become the object of jokes amongst her friends and her male friends *will* get protective around her when you're around.

And please, there is a HUGE difference between playing hard to get and plain avoiding you, if you weren't so thick you'd realise it, and its appalling to think that someone who's studying in Cambridge can be so dense. By the way, it is not amusing to try to ring her knowingly hoping that it would look like an accidental call where you leave a pretend 'message' of some sort of friendly gathering in the background.

I may be random with my acquaintances but I am very selective of my friends. And plainly, you're not one of them, so please, bugger off.

Cos look, I'm not interested. If you want to be friends, it fine by me. If you so happen to fancy yourself in love with me, its also fine by me. But whats NOT fine, is you telling me that you love me because that is uncalled for. How dare you put me in such a spot. I have made it crystal clear that I'm not interested, and if you want to ruin our friendship by attempting to bring it to the next level, then I'm sorry.

What the hell do you expect me to do? Wake up tomorrow and pretend its all fine, that you never mentioned anything? You had to make things difficult, didnt you? Well the stakes were high and you took the wager, now gather your losses and be gone.

Yes you had every right to fancy yourself in love with me, as long as I had no part in it. As long as I can pretend that you're not. That we are just good friends. Anything but that. Its too late now, I am VERY uncomfortable around you, and you know me well enough to know that I despise discomfort.

I don't want anyone in my life right now. I've been in one relationship long enough to know that. I've taken so long to find myself... I don't want to lose myself again.

On a more frivolous note, why would I want to trade the adoration of many just to be taken for granted by one?

ciunas gan uaigneas

"don't call me. don't write. don't show up in the middle of the night" - Sozzi 'Letting Go'

is what i want to tell just about anyone and everyone.

ESPECIALLY YESTERDAY.

Too many phonecalls. Too many chat windows. Too many people.

I can't take it anymore.

I can't even sit for 10 minutes without someone calling or looking for me. I can't even have a proper shower without missing some sort of call. I need to keep on deleting my messages on my inbox to make way for new ones - and wtf, I've got space for over 100 messages.

I'm drained. Exhausted. With all the company and the whirlwind activities. I've been saying that I want to take a break from this all for months. Yet I haven't even had a single day off on my own.

If only it was that easy... to say no, I don't want to go out today. No I don't want to have lunch/dinner/supper. No I don't want to watch a movie. No I don't want to sleep over tonight. No I don't want to go for a walk. No. I just want to be alone.

But its not. Partly because I don't know how to say no.

I just want to run away from it all. Go off somewhere, maybe to the Aran Islands, book a nice comfy hotel room with my own toilet and most importantly, a bathtub to soak all the stress away. Get myself pampered and massaged for every inch of me. switch off all my phones. go somewhere no one knows me. without telling anyone so they won't know where to find me.

But I can't... not anytime soon anyway. My schedule is packed till the 12th of January.

Can I wait that long?

I know what I want for my birthday.

A spa treat and a cosy little room and a bathtub to myself. And no one else (or maybe one or two friends I'm close to).

And it would just be perfect.

i dont know what i want

Crossroads. CHOICES. yes. No. MAYBE. fork of the road. Decisions.

She knows

You think you've had it figured.

That you could keep the two separate.

But she knows.


She knows the moment she looks into the black pools of your eyes

She knows your heart is not into it when you make love to her

that secretly, you're thinking of another.

She knows.


She knows you've been dining at places she only vaguely remembers

that someone else takes the place she used to reign

She knows that smile that melted her heart

now melts the heart of another

She knows.


She knew it was over between the two of you

even before you said those words

That last sigh, expelling the hopes and dreams that lay broken

Oh that last sigh

There was no need for words...

She already knew

I sprained my back last night trying to lift a drunk friend from the floor so that she could go to the toilet.

It's terribly painful, added to the fact that my back has had more than enough of its share of abuse.

Last night was so bad that I couldn't move after I lied in my bed. That, coupled with some vodka martini that I had made me terribly paranoid that I was going to suffocate and die. And so I texted Bansi at 5am in the morning...

"i think i hurt my back. tried to lift ****** cos she was drunk but fell cos she was too heavy. omg it hurts i cant sleep i think i'm going to die. can u check on me? left door unlocked"

and omigod guess what?

he was here in less than 10 minutes. i felt really bad for waking him up cos i meant him to check on me in the morning before the cleaners come to clean the room. i mean if i die i don't want my cleaners to find me like that lorr...

he came, adjusted my position, put pillows under my neck and back and feet and massaged my back until i felt better and tucked me in when i fell asleep and then went back to his house to continue his sleep. so kamtong, didn't know that i had such a wonderful friend who sayangs me so much.

never in my life would i imagine anyone would do that for me -

wake up, wash, get dressed in less than 10 minutes and walk all the way just to check on me and then spend more than an hour trying to make me feel more comfortable...

and really, i don't know how to thank him enough.

Doreen and I had a chat yesterday when she asked me about the 'status' of our friendship. But what can I say about someone whom I'm so close with that I'd be able to talk about anything with? What can I say about someone I care for so much that he's closer than a brother? What can I say about a friendship so pure that it's beyond attraction and we just like and accept each other as is? What words can describe someone who layans you all the time, makes ginger tea in the middle of the night because you just feel like it, and doesn't say a word about the injury incurred whilst carrying a new wardrobe to your room and apologises that he accidentally got that blood on the wardrobe?

None, really. Some things are just intangible. To attempt to pin it down with a word would do it injustice, because theres that 'something more' factor.

and some things, i guess, are best felt with the heart.

its been a week?!

You know how some people get really cranky and grumpy when they don't get their regular shag?

I'm like that. Only in my case, it's baking.

You would think that baking 10 cakes in 2 days for raya and all that would put me off baking for a long long while, but it hasn't. I haven't baked in about a week, and ooh, i do feel the void in my life. My gosh, most of my time must have been spent in the kitchen then, considering that I've found myself with too much time in my hands rather suddenly.

But nevermind, nature abhors a vacuum. And of course, the whole week has been a whirlwind of activities.

From Guy Fawke's Night having dinner and playing fireworks at David's... to having a whale of a time being super pampered by the guys next door because I was feeling rather miserable. To going with David and his dad to Trago Mills to pick out new decor for my room and have a lovely dinner at The George and then spending a night in Doreen's room after late night tea with Andy, Odil, Harry and Alvin. Oh, and Raymond gave me a haircut, too.

Very fulfilling life I lead. And I'm glad I actually started blogging. Else all these would be forgotten. And moments like these, though seemingly mundane, are the moments that we'll miss most when they're gone.

Come to think of it, it's not the big occasions in life that we miss, because when all is said and done, the little things that we take for granted that we miss most.. Long walks to Asda, Andy's tea and Gaby's coffee, slumber party at Sally's collectively melting into puddles of drool watching Johnny Depp in Ninth Gate, movie marathons on pajama parties, crying on each other's shoulders, hugs and kisses and cuddles from friends.

Whats life without those?

Wait don't answer that. I don't want to know.

But whatever it is, I am happy. I am content to know that whatever happens, I have people around me to look out for me when my eyes are blurry from the tears. I have people around me who will let me wallow in the mud for awhile, and wait for me at the sidelines with a clean towel to dust me off so that I'm all bright and shiny to face the world.

And I'm really thankful for that.

* * *

anyway, some pictures of Guy Fawke's night

Holy shit!

Omigod, I only have 87pence to my name. That works out to about RM6!

And I haven't paid off my credit card, my telephone bills etc etc etc...

Oh shit, how am I going to live?! Takkan use credit card to pay for everything right? Die lar die lar..

I can't believe that back in KL, my idea of broke was RM100 in my wallet and a few hundred more stashed in a drawer somewhere.

And now...

About 5 quid on me, and 87pence in the bank!

Dear god, theres no way my parents can transfer any money since the banks are closed for the festive season back home.

Die larr!!!

*cry*cry*cry*

Maaf zahir batin

Maybe I'm just being oversensitive.

Maybe this festive Raya season stress is affecting all of us.

Maybe its the 3 days of not sleeping well.

But when she said 'aku tak minta pun', i bit my lips so hard to stop myself from bursting into tears that it bled.

We thought maybe she would be miserable this raya, so Doreen hatched a plan to surprise her with a raya feast on pagi raya. So off we went early yesterday morning till sundown to the City Centre to buy ingredients for rendang, pulut kuning, kuah kacang (cos she said she always have that on raya mornings) chicken kurma and banana cake.

We cooked until 6something in the morning, my feet were killing me by the time i washed everything up.

And that morning, when we saw her so happy, we thought, oh berbaloi la our usaha.

But for her to say that, just because I pointed out that my feet also hurts really badly because she was complaining about how horribly tiring it is to have to boil nasi himpit for tomorrow's feast really hurt.

She was probably tired, and cranky, and I'm probably just very sensitive from the lack of sleep. But it was as if someone took my heart and squeezed it so hard that I couldn't breathe.

I mumbled something about having to check on my other cakes and went out for a walk, but stopped by Linda's place to get something. Doreen was there as well and I was just going to complain about it, but I burst into tears before I could begin.

How silly is that?

It felt good to cry though, after that I could go back and bake the cakes at her place like nothing happened.

But seriously, once bitten, forever shy. I don't think I want to be so kindhearted to anybody anymore.

You know when they say, when you do something good for somebody, don't expect anything in return. But you do, don't you? To a certain extent. You expect them to appreciate it, you expect I don't know what, but you do expect something back.

People are selfish. Sometimes you do something good for someone not because they need it or anything, but sometimes its because you feel like doing something good as it makes you feel good about yourself. Sometimes the receiver is secondary. Its more like the giver wants to do something than the receiver needing/deserving it. You do things because it makes you feel good, although you want to deny it.

When we make someone else happy, we're pleased and happy with ourselves. Isn't that feeling pleased and happy with ourselves the main motivation of our doing good? Its so behaviourist, so Pavlovian sometimes.

Skinner and Thorndike got it right. If someone does something, and the consequences of the behaviour is pleasant, it reinforces them to repeat it again. Vice versa if someone gets an unpleasant experience from doing something. They just won't do it again.

I need to sleep.

So many things happening that I don't have time to think anymore.

10 minute microwave chocolate cake

Monday had our final potluck at Linda's place (I made a 10 minute microwave choc cake, then went for Halloween Party at Walkabout. I was part witch, part dominatrix, part devil.

Linda & Doreen helped with the makeup

David was a cowboy but we exchanged headgears*

With Gabby, Trudi & Eva

The drunken Mr Wong*

huddled with Abe for warmth cos I didn't bring a jacket!**

Tuesday baked a vegan apple pie for Bansi for Deepavali. Then cooked lemon chicken for dinner with the guys opposite my house.

Vegan apple pie

Then spent the night at Doreen's room watching DVDs and eating more of the chocolate that Wong gave, and then some more of the choc coated Brazillian nuts that Odil gave me (i think i go over looking for chocolate wayyyy too often that he knows what kinds of chocs i like (bitter dark Valrhona please!) and which ones i hate).

Doreen complains that I hog blankets.

Tonight I sleep alone after a week of squeezing on a single bed with at least one other person.

My tiny bed almost seems too big and cold.

I miss Kooky the huge teddy bear Weng Weng gave me.

*pics courtesy of Wong.
**pic courtesy of Abe

Badminton day today, but I woke up late and didn't go to the sports hall with them so they actually had to pay £13.50 for the court! Cisss... felt so guilty man.

Instead, I enjoyed myself cooking and baking in the comfort of my own kitchen. Happily rolling out pastry, scalding milk and cooking turkey.

Ooh, and look at that pineapple turkey that I cooked!

Got the recipe off boo_licious' masak-masak blog. I swear just visiting her blog makes my mouth water and feel so totally homesick for the food back home.

So I didn't wake up early enough to get more apples from Asda. Damnit, there were so many nice juicy Bramley apples on Jason's backyard that I could've used to bake all sorts of apple dishes, but alas, it's in London.

How wonderful would it be to be able to walk into your garden and pick apples from your own backyard whenever you want them and then cook them yourself!

Oh god, I'm so turning si-lai man... ini tak boleh jadi nih.

So what to do, had to use whatever I had in the kitchen la, which was basically milk, eggs, vanilla essence and sugar, so i ended up making a giant egg tart. And it turned out so beautifully as well, if I may say so myself.

Had them as dessert after our lunch of pineapple turkey and hot steamed rice together with vanilla ice cream with Wong, Hung, Gabby and Mariella.

Also cut a huge slice for Alvin as he loves egg tarts and passed some to Harry, Andy, Odil, and the guys opposite my house (Abe, Maurice, Richard and Ed). Saved some for Doreen of course, so practically everyone had a piece of pie.

I've been talked into joining them for Halloween at Walkabout tomorrow. Shall go as what I originally intended to la, a bewitching witch. The only thing missing is a witch's hat. Sheesh. Drinks on the guys, and they want to get me absolutely wasted. Heh, tough luck la.

Anyway got some DVDs off Richard, a Japanese flick called Crashen, Secretary (chickflick I guess) and Closer.

*hugs DVDs gleefully*

Haven't watched any DVDs for AGES! Shall do that whilst eating the lovely yummy chocolates that Wong and Hung bought for me! Teeheehee. Me lovvie choccies.

Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?

I love the fall season.

I love the crisp autumn air. I love the smell of dried leaves and damp grass and the feel of the chilly air against my skin. The burnt orangey-red fall foliage, and apples peek-a-booing out of trees like jewels, I can nearly sympathise with Eve's urge to eat it. Especially if she ever knew of the wonders of a hearty portion of warm apple pie.

Walked with Mariella to Asda and saw so many apples on sale today that I *had* to get them, thinking I'd bake an apple pie for Teh who's flying back to Malaysia today. But the sheer logistics of it made it pretty impossible to do.

Anyway, it was a spur of a moment decision, as Doreen and I were already planning to just stirfry some vegetables for a potluck buka puasa dinner we were having with our Muslim coursemates.

He was leaving at around 12, so I thought I'd just bake it for him, pop over to town, stay overnight at Wong's place if I don't get a bus back and come back tomorrow with them when they come over for our weekly badminton sessions.

Omigod, I can spend hours shopping for groceries. Spent too much time at Asda, thinking I'd be able to walk back in less than 15 minutes but I only got back at 6.15, and quickly chopped the garlic and cut the carrots, cauliflower and capsicums, and got it ready at 6.30 just in time for buka puasa, went back to make the pie pastry dough, and put it in the fridge for it to rest while I ate with the rest of the group. But then didn't manage to go into town as it was raining and all that, so decided to bake it anyway for the potluck, especially since I haven't seen the UoP guys for awhile.

Ooh, and everyone's back now. Syucks, Iryan, Ajeem and Zul came over to makan as well. It's good to see all of them again. Made me happy. ^_^

After sending the vegetables over, I went back, peeled, cored and chopped the apples. Was too rushed to go online to check the recipe, so everything was sort of like instinctive. It was a race against time as the guys had to go back around 9, so had to cut the time down by half by cooking the apples first.

Basically just melted some butter, put in some sugar and cinnamon and threw all the apples in and then thickened it with a bit of cornflour and let it cool while I rolled out the pastry. It was all done and baked by about 8.30pm. Just in time as they were just about to leave then.

And my oh my, was it yummy! Had them served with vanilla ice cream with the guys, while I passed some to the rest to the girls at Doreen's. After the guys left I joined the girls and had more food. Was so damned hungry then, cos I sort of like fasted for the potluck thingy as well with the believe that if we're going to buka puasa together might as well really buka puasa together la. Hehe. But by then all the good stuff was gone so just had some beehoon with tomyam soup, which was pretty good as well.

The girls said that the pie was a bit too sweet... Omigod, since I've started baking, I've lost my tastebuds for what's too sweet now. It kinda shocked me today when I ran out of Splenda, I actually put 4 tablespoonfuls of sugar in my tea and thought it wasn't sweet enough... and I remember when I used to think that 2 teaspoons of sugar was plenty.

At the rate I'm going, I'm probably going to be diabetic. Must stop eating all these sweet stuff.

Doreen and I didn't go for the Halloween party thingy at Destiny. We already had our costumes but her bf didn't really like the idea of her going, so she stayed back. I was just too lazy to put on everything, and had a run on my fishnets. Aww damn! But the Linda, Sudi, Sally, Jules, Gemma, Lotte and Huda were dressed as devils, princesses, a gypsy, a fairy princess, and zombie and Lex looked absolutely dashing as Dracula, with his cloak and fake teeth & nails and blood dripping from the corners of his mouth.

Maurice and Abe came over at around 12 for a chat. Maurice begged off at around 1 and Abe and I talked until Gabby came back from Reflux at 2.30. God I was so tired. Finally managed to excuse myself at 3!!

And tomorrow I need to get up early for that badminton thingy. Gonna cook pineapple turkey for the Hung, Wong and David for tomorrow after the game and if I'm rajin, wake up early and get more Bramley apples from Asda to make another apple pie for them, if not, it's just going to be egg tart filling in a flan case (the dough is already in the fridge, I just made another batch). This time I'd like to actually try some of the apple pie that I baked, and save some for housemates as well.

Hehehe. At least my first time baking an apple pie was a success. Especially since it was done without a recipe. Yeay!

to let a mockingbird live

it shames me to no end whenever i think of it.

she only wanted to be liked. she didn't have much confidence to begin with and seemed like a puppy dog; eager to please, happy with whatever scrap of attention given to her.

she was, in every sense, a mockingbird.

i don't know why we did it. maybe she irritated us with her too nice, 'please walk all over me' way about her, maybe she was so naive and innocent that we felt that we needed to 'give her a taste of what the real world is like'. i don't know. perhaps we were bored. possibly we were just venting all our insecurities out on her.

but what we did shattered her.

we made spectacle of her. pretended to be her friends, gave her a false sense of belonging in our group, inviting her out and all that when all we actually wanted to do was make fun of her, led her to believe that a guy liked her by writing her love letters and getting a guy friend to pretend to be her secret admirer and call her. snicker behind her back whenever she talked about that guy.

and ooh, my oh my, was she happy that she actually had a secret admirer.

which 14 year old wouldn't? who else would she have confided in if not for her 'friends', maybe embellishing a little to make the story juicier.

i didn't like it, but i was too cowardly to say that, going along with it in fear that if i opposed, i would be cast off as well. and so i played along a sick girl's idea of 'ooh-its-so-easy-to drown-that-kitten' entertainment. at 14, the need to be accepted by my peers outweighed the need to do the right thing.

and so i played along and forever smeared the blood of an innocent on my hands.

tell me: would you be at the stoning of a someone and join in without rhyme or reason, because you don't want to be the one stoned as well, or would you dare to risk your life and stand in front of them like Jesus did and question why they were doing that?

but i did what worst.

i just couldn't do it and blurted everything out to her. that the whole secret admirer thing was a hoax, that she's been the object of ridicule of everyone who knew about it, which was a lot and spanned the student population of approximately 3 schools.

and how she cried.

what shocked me was that she wasn't angry. in her own resigned way she just seemed to accept it and try harder to be in the group. it sickened me and for the first time, i realised that some people just want to be abused.

then i found out she almost had a nervous breakdown.

i don't know if they were angry at me for exposing them, i'm not sure if they were secretly ashamed that they did it. perhaps we just somehow managed to push it to a corner of our minds and never want to think about it again. we never spoke of it again.

it was an eye opener. from then on, i lost respect for my friends. if they could be so cruel to someone, what makes me think that they wouldn't do the same to me, i realised in horror. and so i slowly withdrew from the group.

in search of sincerity, i lost popularity.

but i discovered other friends. true friends. friends like yen who willingly lug 10kgs of foodstuff and all from malaysia to pass to me whenever she flies to london and not want to accept a single penny from me for the things she bought. friends like lizzie and dave who drove all the way from kl to some secluded place on the way to bidor to pick me up when the bus broke down on the way to taiping from kl. and yes, friends like doreen and amyr who insisted on waiting up for me when my bus back from london was delayed and reached plymouth at 4am. friends who respect me enough to tell the truth and not lull me into a false sense of security.

but sometimes some things are best left unsaid. she wouldn't have wanted to know anyway. perhaps it was selfishness in me that told her that, to unload the burden off my chest and feel like i did the right thing.

shades of grey.

sometimes the right thing to do is just to shut up. because they don't want to know it anyway. or maybe they know it deep down but refuse to acknowledge it. and you're just being cruel by forcibly bringing it to their attention.

maybe sometimes its best to wonder than to know.

La Dolce Vita

Hola! And guess what?

I'm going on a holiday again!!

This time to Barcelona with the Doreen, Jules, Linda, Sudi, Prema and Hema!

Ahh... a much deserved (don't even dare question that!) holiday with all my hot chun chicks, a stay next to the gorgeous St Sebastion beach with the seabreeze blowing into our chalet, walking around in our itsy bitsy teeny weenie bikinis, the city only 10 minutes walk away (so we can go shopping if the weather doesn't cooperate, eat paella at tapas bars and drink sangria and horchata all day long!

Speaking of paella, I miss La Bodega's paella takeouts! Back when I used to live in Pantai we couldn't cook so once in awhile when we feel like a girls night out (read: malas to walk to Bangsar) we'd just call and they'd deliver, and we became such good friends with the delivery boy that he sometimes brought us complimentary wines and picked up groceries for us on the way as well. Hehehe... he couldn't resist our *serangan mata bersinar-sinar*

I'm so looking forward. Extra motivation to not overspend on unnecessary things, to kumfei (have to la - itsy bitsy teeny weenie bikinis, remember?) and study hard (cos next time if tak jadi become tai-tai who's only work is to travel, pan leng leng, holiday, have to work to afford such luxuries lorr)

Haish, forgive my shallow frivolousity today.

I'm bored out of my mind but I don't want to leave my room. Because I don't want to be around anyone for awhile... overdosed on people already, so cranky that if anyone tries to talk to me in person I'd snap their head off.

Thank goodness I have understanding housemates and SweetieShinYee is superforgiving and stays clear of me whenever I go into one of my moods and unintentionally snap at her. Should learn how to control this PMS-ey moodiness la, not good for the soul, cos I feel superbad when I lash out at unsuspecting people so that increases my moodiness and then its a downward spiral from there. Kesian Shin Yee have to bear the brunt of it. Its very trying to live with me. Sigh.

I have to catch up on my reading as well... 'sides thats what reading weeks are for.

And I wish Bansi would come back fast fast cos he's back at home in London so cannot layan my merengek-ness and change my bedsheets (I like clean crisp sheets so I change them obsessively every Monday and Friday) and teman me go walking every night.

Back from London

What a day it's been!

I shouldn't be so stubborn. Especially when Patrick offered to let me leave my luggage at his place until it was time to go back. Would've saved a whole lot of trouble of hauling heavy luggage full of stuff to Victoria, finding out that it would be £5 per item (was carrying 3 items, go figure), calling Patrick to ask if it was too expensive, deciding that yes, it was, and then hauling it all the way back to Sloane Street where he lives, and finally being late for a last minute meet up with the people I haven't been able to see the last trip to London.

Grrr...

But it was good.

First thing I did in the morning was walk over to Harrods to get 200g worth of Brazillian coffee and a dozen krispy creme original glazed doughnuts for my friends back in Plymouth. If only they had Krispy Kreme in Plymouth... *drool*

And it was nice hanging out at High Street Kent and Starbucks and Leichester Sq with my friends. Been awhile since I've seen them, although it was a bit of a rush to fit so many people in such a limited span of time.

Went back to get my luggage and guess what?

I had a bouquet of lilies waiting for me. Cos he said I've been very mang-chang (moody/snappish) and just recovered from a cold.



Whoa..... I don't know what to say, didn't know he knew I liked lillies. But then again he reads my blog.

Oh hi, Patrick!

Aneeway, had my last longing look at those gorgeous beyond gorgeous pair of boots at Ferragamo, did some last minute (window) shopping at Harvey Nichols and had some fantastic champagne sorbet before we walked over to Victoria.

The bus was delayed by 1/2 hour. Then when we reached Heathrow, it was further delayed when someone's bag got pinched whilst he was waiting to get on and he accused the bus driver of being negligent. Had to wait for the police and all that to come, so got myself a cup of soup at Cafe Nero, which was so bad that I couldn't manage to have more than a few spoonfuls. So yuck. Instead, I had SIX doughnuts from the box. Siao. Sugar levels must've been so high.

Called Doreen to inform her that I'd be late and I'd get a cab instead but she insisted on picking me up. And pick me up she did, at 4am in the morning with Lex who stayed awake to keep her company as well. They loved the krispy kremes. ^_^

Oh god I'm so sleepy. But its 8am and I've got a 9.30am class.

So gonna collapse after class.

Bored in bed

I'm calling in sick with a horrible bout of flu and brain the consistency of cotton candy.

Urgh.

Perhaps it's nature's way of telling me to stop that whirlwind of activities, take a break, indulge and love myself, or at least let other people do that for me.

Its nice to be fussed over.

To have SweetieShinYee giving me soup for lunch, to have GorgeousGabby's wonderfully filling pasta chicken soup for dinner, have Bansi come over, change my bedlinens for me, and make me lovely lovely ginger tea as a therapeutic nightcap and sort my files and work for me. To have BigMummyMariella come up to check up on me, make my breakfast today, cook a hearty Chilean chicken stew and rice and pao Lemsip for me to drink. And never having to worry about washing up afterwards.

Best of all, ponteng Mike Boston's classes! And get leave off gym and swimming sessions.

To have friends calling and checking up every now and then. Its nice to know how much I'm loved sometimes. Yes, I like the attention. I'm a baby when I'm sick.

But its B-O-R-I-N-G staying in bed all the time!

I want to go out, its such a nice sunny day today, it almost seems unfair to stay cooped up in my room like that.

Wanna go out, wanna go out, wanna go out!

Upping the Redoxon VitC dosage and fingers crossed, I'll be able to make it to Katy Salisbury's [my fav lecturer, though a bit stingy with the marks] class and it's off to London for the weekend!

La la la.

Mind over matter: Get. Well. ASAP.

Dancing on Quicksand

by Jeremiah Tan

Just a year is forever,
But three years fly too fast.
Can you come home again?
Can you realise the past?
Tell me: Is your laughter
Hiding secrets, blocking tears?
How does the cutting pain
Damn defeat and dry up fears?

Older Cousin leaves and flies,
Younger Cousin plays with knives.
And I'm dancing
I'm dancing on quicksand...

Driving fire in the blood
Born of brains and beauty.
Charm and strength are tempered
With trials - life's not empty.
Thoughts, dreams and ideas flood
A mind so young, so distant.
Hot tears flow unhampered
By truths that grow important.

Older Sister makes men swoon,
Younger Brother loves the moon.
And I'm dancing
I'm dancing on quicksand...

Chocoholic, on the go
From strong love to stonewall.
Secrets in extremis
So harsh! So cruel the fall!
Is this love? Do you know
Tears are hard, words are harder.
Lonely one, what's amiss
That we can't take this further?

Mother dearest has clipped wings,
Father dearest cares but stings.
And I'm dancing
I'm dancing on quicksand...

Bridge:

Come on and laugh with me
(This number will never end)
Come on and sigh with me
(And the dance floor is quicksand...)

The smallprint in dreams

Just when you think you've got your equilibrium sorted, somehow or rather, something, somewhere, comes dashing in to upset everything.

And all you can do is watch helplessly as the glass castle you painstakingly built comes crumbling down.

With tears trailing their way down your chin, you try so hard to salvage whats left, picking up the broken pieces, and cut yourself in the process.

Pick up the broken pieces, or sweep it all away?

Start anew. Build something else, something you won't be as passionate about, but sturdier. Something not so much what you want and hoped for, but less fragile.

Dreams...

The older you get the more you realise that things aren't always what you expect them to be. You may have your ideals, you may have your dreams. But have you read the smallprint in dreams?

Dreams... Ideals... they're just that. You can work and strive towards them, but sometimes they remain just that. Aim high, stretch yourself hard enough, but most times you end up grasping at nothing. Reality bites. It has sharp fangs, too.

Change is the only constant.

But what is permanence in this world? What is time? What is it's purpose and it's meaning? What, who, determines my future?

What can you do? What will you do?

How do you hold on, when there is nothing in you except the Will which says "Hold on"?

I seek not for things I have once sought after, and I pursue not that same dreams and goals of what I used to chase after. And that pile of broken dreams and wishes lay abandoned at the corner of the heart.

All hail the King of Pies!

The lemon meringue, that is...

Don't know what its supposed to taste like, but I liked what I baked... it was yummy! Just the right amount of tartness and sweetness, and the meringue was crispy at the top but had a marshmallow-y texture in between. The lemon filling was a little runny though, had the consitency of honey, but thats prolly because I couldn't wait for it to cool down and set before cutting it.

Doreen loved it! She had two huge slices, and everyone else wanted the recipe and there were requests for more and more and more!

:: dinner party with the girls ::

Sheesh, its misdirected energy.

If only I was as passionate about my studies as I am about baking.

On another note, been out too much. Friday night especially was a killer. My friend Dave came down from London to visit, so we went out and I showed him around Plymouth. And we drank. Too much. Went barhopping to so many bars that I can't even remember the names of the places we went to. I had:

2 pineapple malibus
1 shot absinthe
2 smifoff ice
1 vodka blue
1 gin and tonic

Funny thing was I didn't even feel any effect of the alcohol. Yes, this coming from a girl who gets all red and flushy after a pint of beer. Tsk. We went to this really really really sucky club called Recess or was it Reflux, I can't remember, and it was to terrible, they were playing unbelievably bad 80's music. Don't wanna think what kind of impression he got of Plymouth. Tsk. He was probably so bored with Plymouth that he ciao-ed the next day after we explored Dartmoor together.

So tired. Been out too much. Been around too many people too much. I need some time out on my own, by myself.

I need to do so many other things as well... most importantly, I need to get my priorities right. I can't have it all, I know that. But then again I'm not willing to make the sacrifices that need to be made in order to achieve what I want. Its a neverending tug of war between wants and needs, between the urgent and the important, between the work and play.

Equilibrium. Thats what I need.

my reality check bounced

I'm kinda depressed actually.

And I have no reason to, really. Life's been so incredibly good and fulfilling and all that. I've been so busy doing stuff, meeting people, going out and spending time with friends.

Like yesterday for instance.

A day trip to Looe and Porpello with friends and housemates and my Malaysian lecturers who came to visit... I had a great time.

Then there was that was a delicious buka puasa dinner with Tuan Hj Kamar and Mr Ng hosted by Allen, Shin Yee and me. We had a good time there, talking about the our old college, exchanging news, exploring career options that we may want to take up later and all that.

After that I accompanied Gabby to the SUB for a drink and we met two really cool guys there and invited them back for coffee and cake. Got to know that they lived just opposite our house and today one of the guys, Maurice, having known that I like reading, gave me a book. That was really really nice of him. And Abe promised to cook peanut butter soup for us one of these days.

It was regular weekly badminton game with the guys this morning again, coffee and cake for breakfast and also had lunch together and loads of laughs. After they left, Gabby brought another 2 friends of hers from Portugal over for coffee and pie. I got to know more people. And we decorated our common room.

Bansi comes over almost daily for dinner and we go for walks every night.

All these should be enough to make me happy, right?

After all, wasn't this what I wanted?

To have friends all around, have a busy social diary, and not be lonely?

But I'm not. There's something missing.

I'm still restless, I'm still searching.

But for what?

I don't know what I want.

Well not really. I want too many things. I can't decide on what I want.

I want to travel the world. See new things, meet new people, experience difference cultures, be free and not be tied down to anyone or anything.

But at the same time, I also want to settle down with a secure job, have a husband who loves me and a happy family thats really close knit and have friends all around me as well.

But I also want a high flying career, something um, haha, glamourous, like some CEO of something something something or some GM of some huge luxury shoe company like Ferragamo (staff discount! wahhh!) or Chanel [well a girl can dream, can't she?]

Too many wants.

Too many dreams.

Not enough willpower.

-sigh-

I wish someone would just hold my hand and guide me through life. Because although I do seem like I can do it alone, I'd rather not. Because I'm scared, because I'm hesistant. I'm afraid of how the decisions that I make today will affect what my life will be tomorrow. And it would be nice to have someone there, just to be there, to face the rough patches with, and to laugh over the panice moments when its over, and to smile at the good times with, enjoying the ride together.

Sometimes I wonder, how much of life is our own making, and how much is preordained, destiny? And if I actually let someone else make the decisions I am supposed to make for myself, am I forfeiting my own responsibility to myself? Its so easy to turn around and point the finger at someone else and say that it's their fault when the fault lies in ourselves for making the decision to let others make the decision for us in the first place isn't it?

Life gets more and more complicated as the days go by. There are more and more things to worry about. Immediate things like bills and cleaning and budgeting, long term things like investments, carreer and family, it's just so overwhelming.

Its not a wonder people are allowed to drink and smoke once they turn 18. Being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I'd rather worry about finishing my homework for tomorrow than those phone bills of over £100 awaiting payment by next week.

I wish the I was still 11.

Old enough to think for myself, but young enough to enjoy everything childhood has to offer.

international nite

too well fed

If you're ever around Plymouth/Dartmoor area, do make a pit stop at Lords.

It's a little tea room at Princetown that serves the yummiest cream tea ever. Freshly made cornish clotted cream and strawberry jam on raisin scones served with tea with milk fresh from the cow's udders.

Absolutely gorgeous.

Ugh, on another note. I've been eating too much. Case in point:

Sunday:

Wong, Hung, and David came over to play badminton with me. Naturally I'd cook lunch right? I cooked chicken pongteh and mixed veggies.

Lecturers from previous college also arrived to check up on us. Malaysian feast in which 40 people arrived and there were so many varieties of food. Pasta, pizza, ayam masak merah, 3 kinds of curry, fruit salad, chocolates, spring rolls, etc etc etc...

mentang mentang esoknya nak puasa...

Monday:

Lunch with Brazillian and Chilean housemates. Quesadillas with cheese, loads of them.

Dinner with Bansi and Raymond - I made the chapattis, Bansi cooked corn and capsicum sabji and Raymond cooked some korean potato thingy

Tuesday:

Stuffed deepfried tofu and mixed veggies for Doreen, Bansi and myself. And after that, after dinner tea and aromatic Brazillian coffee with Latina housemates.

But then again I also learnt how to SALSA, so prolly burnt some calories there... oh yeah and also those dikir barat pratices. Phew!

Today:

Breakfast
2 fried eggs and some fried spring rolls
brazillian coffee (i'm supermotivated to wake up in the mornings now - cos i smell the coffee!)

Lunch:
Chowmein with Allen and Doreen

Dinner:
More chapattis with Bansi... and chickpea sabji.

I should never have revealed the fact that i knew how to make chapattis. Tsk.

You know the saying: whatever you say will be used against you?

next time i don't want to reveal that i can cook la, wait for people to cook for me, better. =P

How to kumfei liaddat?

i hate roses

always have, always will.

so when i actually get a bunch, i ooh-ahh awhile to be nice, and them promptly chuck them out when the sender is out of sight. or give them away.

seriously, don't guys ever pay any attention at all?

if they did, they'd know that: the flower of preferance is lilies, aurum lilies top the list, if not then tiger lilies. if thats too difficult, then daffodils or violets, or handpicked wildflowers - i'd appreciate them so much more.

but please, no roses.

Oh, that twinkle in the eye!

"Recently, you ran into someone every bit as fiery, independent, and innocently reckless as yourself. Since those, of course, are exactly the qualities you insist upon when you're looking for companionship -- in fact, they're secretly at the very tip-top of your list of 'absolutely non-negotiable qualities which must be sensed within five minutes of meeting someone you find attractive,' you'd be foolish to let them escape. Bet you won't -- and that they won't even try."
~ Friendster horoscope

*ahem*

nevermind.

We had bubbly champagne and mooncakes today. Peppermint chocolate mooncakes that Yen brought for me. Belated, but still yummy.

Took forever to get us all together. Allen and Doreen always so busy working and with conflicting timetables as well.. but in the end it was all worth it, because everybody was there, no one was left out.

Me is happy.

Damnit, drinking champagne from mugs so no feel man! tsk... we need flutes shaped like aurum lillies for that! Grrr... but thats me being fussy.

Anyways, just some pictures before I sign off... too tired. Went out to town whole day, greeted new housemates, and baked eggless cake and some cupcakes and all that stuff.

Yes, all in one day.

I am superwoman.

I like this picture...

... i looked... happy? up to mischief? dreamy?

i don't know, it just gives me a warm fuzzy feelin'.

Pic was taken in Exeter, during Syuck's birthday party at a shisha place called al-Hameed or something like that. We were all there, 3 carloads of us.

Peppermint tea. Bakhlava. All sorts of goodies.

*smiles fondly*

I am suffering from the after effects of yesternight's Toga party at the SUB.

I. Cannot. Drink. Beer.

Half a pint of beer and I'm gone. Note to self: stick to cocktail and wine. Better yet, don't drink.

Anyway, practically everyone went dressed like Romans, there were Roman statues and all that, wasn't too bad. I... improvised. Long shawl, wrapped sarong style and tied behind the neck and jewelled slacks which made me look more gypsy than Roman.

Got back rather early though, around 11.30, 12 o'clock? The rest stayed on till around 2-3am.

Am I getting old(er)? How come I don't enjoy these things anymore?

Why is it that I'd rather sit at home and curl up with a good book with a hot steaming cup of hot chocolate instead?

Or look up recipes on the internet and browse through Nigella Lawson's Feast that I just bought?

I'm getting boring, thats what.

I ended up on the phone for an hour and a half instead. Hehe.

* * *

On another note, been trying to make chapattis lately. Tried my first batch yesterday, since Bansi and I are kinda doing the dinner together kinda thing. He cooked an amazing chickpea sabji which I just couldn't get enough of. He claimed it didn't turn out well, too sour, but hey, I love sour, bring it on. It was LADEN with tomatoes. Yummy I tell you.

The chapattis were okay, only they didn't bloat and were a bit hard. Trying again today, adding more oil to them.

Whoever said 'thou shalt not live by bread alone'...

definitely never tried the bread that *I* made.

*ahem*

Yeaps, I finally tried my hand at baking my own bread, as the weather is getting colder and the prospect of walking to the store to get a loaf of bread doesn't sound very nice.

It all started with an sms though. A haiku that went: "mom's love - a slice of homemade bread. Walnuts are nice..." or something like that, I can't remember. From Malaysia, from an ex of three years.

His mom used to bake lovely, delicious bread, and since then I've developed a preference for homemade bread compared to the storebought version. And believe me, there *is* a difference. A HUGE difference.

So here I was, missing him for a bit, called him and we were chatting and he updated me about the going-ons in his family, his brother's getting married soon, another one decided to migrate to Oz, that kind of thing, and then we started reminiscing about bread.

About how his mom used to bake them in the afternoons for tea and we would sit together and talk about whats happening in our lives and she would advise me about everything and anything. I hate to say this, but sometimes I think she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. And I was probably the daughter she never had, hehe. He would sometimes come back from work later and find us sitting together talking or watching a movie or just perusing books together and we'd ask him to join us. He said he loved coming back to see the two of us having bread and tea together.

Ah well, those were the good old days.

Which reminds me, I should give her a call soon, been awhile since I've spoken to her.

Sometimes I don't know. Is it proper that I maintain such a good relationship with my ex? I've been with him 3 years. That 3 years he was my best friend, he was my confidant, he was my family. Its not to say everything was rosy, there were the bad times as well, he had his violent, aggressive moodswings, he had issues he had to deal with, that kind of thing, but things were basically pretty good. We had a lot of good times together, and we click.

People say it's unhealthy so be so close with an ex. Is it really? Why should it be, when we both know that although we're so close and all that, our relationship is not the kind that would blossom into something else? When we know that what we have is a genuine brother-sister care for each other? (yes, i do know it's a rather odd thing to discover after you've been together 3 years)

We understand each other in ways so many other people can't and should all these go to waste just because we're not together anymore? How anyone can so painstakingly nurture something and then callously just not care about it anymore? Do some people have that 'on/off' switch in their hearts that they can turn on or off at will that I don't? Or is it just that I can't control myself as well as they can?

I'm still young and probably naive. I trust people, maybe a little too much. I know have a lot to learn. About the ways of the world. About the ways of the people of the world. But in that learning and adapting, do I have to change all that much in the way I act and see things? Or maybe I don't even have to consciously change the way I act and see things, the experiences I face will, like it or not, change me. And I can only hope that its for the better.

Anyway, its a great day today. Had nasi lemak with Linda, Sudi, Hema and Kak Fiza. Bliss, I tell you. You guys in Malaysia don't realise how much we here miss Malaysian food man. They were regaling me with stories about what happened during their Kelana Convoy trip and all that. Ooh! I should've gone!

And spent the latter half of the day with Bansi. We went grocery shopping and after that had dinner together - the other half of the vegetarian curry I cooked for him, Alvin and Raymond yesterday.

He 'cleansed' my room. Some disturbances in the force. I'm superstitious that way, I guess. We did some prayers, burnt some camphor, and lighted a few incense sticks, and now the room's aura feels so much better. Or maybe it's psychology. Well whatever makes me sleep better at night, innit?

Malaysian bloggers meet

Riiiight...

Patrick suggested that bloggers in the UK do a meetup thingy and apparently left me to plan the thing - which isn't really a great idea considering the fact that i'm in Plymouth and the meeting is in err... London.

So anyway, bloggers meet.

Tentatively on one of the weekends in the month of October.

Does the 15th or 22nd October sound good?

Jon, can I rope you into organising the meetup as well?

Birthdays are best days

Happy birthday Ivy and Hibbs!

Today's theme was food and friendship. Am so stuffed from the amount of goodies I've consumed today! Not complaining though, it's not everyday that I get to have laksa, barbequed kebabs with insanity sauce and charsiew, chicken wings, cakes, puddings, and loads of german beer.

Mmmm...

*pats belly*

But best of all were the friendships formed, the shared laughter over Mr Bomba flash animations, the 'awwww' moments that couples evoke, and the feeling that my most fervent of prayers have been answered.

For that, I'm truly happy.

When it rains, it pours

Loneliness kills me
Like when cherry blossoms fall
Ponds, in winter, freeze.

Decisions, decisions

It must be the holiday season that makes people feel lonely.

Because this morning, I received a call from someone I used to date, inviting me to Switzerland for a holiday in the winter.

Now its not a policy of mine to go on holidays with ex-boyfriends, particularly ex-boyfriends on business trips, but he said it his friends and their wives (whom I also know and are pretty friendly with) will also be there.

No catch, he said. Except that I'll have to sit through a few dinner dates with them like I used to do while I was dating him (not a problem, the food is usually good, and the conversation very interesting, and they don't mind my having an opinion), and the rest of the time I'll be free to roam around with the women while the men conduct their business.

That left me rather flabberghasted. Like, why me? I thought we broke up liao. Surely he could've found someone older and more sophisticated than I was. But no, he said that of all the women he's ever dated (and thats quite a few, considering he's 15 years my senior), I'm the one that endears myself most to him and his friends *stunned*

The thing is, takut nanti, we'll head straight down the Heartbreak Highway once again.

Still, its a once-in-a-lifetime chance to visit Switzerland without worrying about having to plan my flight, accomodation, everything. Just go and enjoy.

Now if only I can discipline my heart not to fall in love so deeply so easily... but i know i cannot. Because i know if I do, it'll be hell to pay, and no amount of holidays will ever help me get over the hurt.

So I said no.

But he said to think about it. Could it be a reconciliation? Silly girl. I don't think so.

Resistance is futile

Wanted snickers.

But it was unhealthy.

So had an apple instead. Some grapes. And a peanut butter sandwich.

Still feeling unsatisfied.

Munched on seaweed. A few crackers and a mug of hot tea later, I unwrapped a snickers bar.

All cravings miraculously vanished.

Heh.

Oh the itch!

Just found out I've got next Friday off...

and guess what I want to do?

Why run off to London of course!

But whatever for? No good reason, except that I want to spend time with my friends, I want to watch a musical, and I want to buy food supplies from Chinatown.

Cost aside, which will add up to quite a bit, I won't be spending that much more compared to what I'd spend on weekends in the City Centre anyway. Damn I need therapy to cure my addiction to retail therapy.

Should I? Should I? Should I?

Aiyoh, why can't i *chey tiam tiam in Plymouth like a good student?!

*chey tiam tiam = duduk diam diam = sit still

i *heart* london

London was utter decadence.

You name it, I've probably done it. I even climbed an apple tree and ate fresh blueberries!

And kissed a girl. On the lips. With tongue. Because we had to prove we were 'partners' to get into G-A-Y. The bouncer was probably just pulling our legs, but we thought, what the hell... we only live once.

It was... different.

I don't think I'd mind kissing a girl. No really. But then again I like kissing men as well. Sheesh, why don't someone give me a man and a girl and let me have them both?

*grin*

Spent a big chuck of my nights in London at Soho. At G-A-Y, and Soho bar, and KuBar and mana tu forgot the name liao. Those are pictures taken with Yen and the rest of the MAS crew members. I absolutely adore Shukri (the guy without shirt), he's fucking cool and he's damn selamba about everything. And he promised to bring milo 3-in-1 everytime he flies to London. How can I not love someone who promises me that?

I like gay bars. I don't have to worry about being 'taken advantage of' or pei yan pok mong, because the guys would rather 'pok' other guys than kacau us girls. I feel safer there. After all, I only go there to dance and hang out with friends, not pull. I don't like gweilos. I don't know why. I just don't find them attractive... and they all look the same to me.

Terrible huh?

Its odd because Yen shares the same birthday as me and she ONLY goes out with white guys. Well except for once la. But she doesn't like Asian men. And me, I ONLY date asian guys except for one. Heh.

I miss Yen.

I miss apple picking with her at Jason's backyard. I miss squashing the apples and making lawak bodohs with apples. Like stufffing them into our shirts to make our boobs look porn star big. Like trying to walk across the lawn with an apple balanced on top of our heads. Like climbing the apple tree.

Jason must have thought he just invited two raving lunatic jackoons whos never seen apple trees (which is true) back to his place! But he ever so patiently layaned us. Of course la, we helped him do the gardening and trimmed the bushes and all that leh...

Such nice people hor?


Spent a lot of time with friends, mostly over meals, being typically Malaysian. Sometimes over coffee at Starbucks. Sometimes over a few drinks at pubs around London where I got to know a few other local London guys who seemed determined to get me drunk.

Ijun brought me for Japanese at Japan Central. Had my favourite udon with vegetable tempura, but the veggie tempura was a bit of a sham, cos it turned out to be just deep friend onion rings. Sheesh. Dissapointing, but it was lovely udon, chewy and wholesome, perfect for that cold autumn weather. We had california rolls and he had salmon teriyaki.

Been awhile since I had Japanese food.

*happy sated smile*

And I just remembered that I actually wanted to buy bonito flakes and japanese ingredient stuff in London. But forgot. All the more reason to go back there one of these weekends! Yeayness.

Ijun also brought me to the apple megastore. Omigod! Awesome. Nerd heaven. Looks like something out of a 21 century new age alien movie or something. I want an iPod nano now!! I want an iBook! iWant, iWant, iWant!!!

We went to Edgeware Road later to meet up with Jason at Mawar. They had charkoayteow which didn't really taste like charkoayteow. I had... teh o ais limau and soya bean! Was a bit too full after the udon. but teh o ais limau and then soya bean, and surrounded with so many Malaysian faces and people speaking chinese and malay... it almost felt like home.

But its funny that I've come to a point where I don't miss home all that much anymore. 8 months have passed since I've came here and I'm happy here. I like it here. I like the people I meet, I like the way I live, I like that I don't have to depend on a car to get me where I want to go and I discovered the joys of walking. Not to say that I'm ready to give up my heels just yet la. I love the weather here, I love the live and let live way of life.

No I can't live in Plymouth, its too quiet for me. I need something with more life before it eats up my life and energy. I like London. Albeit, a few weeks on holiday doensn't really count for much. I won't know until I live there whether or not I'd really like it there.

But this much I know. I beh tahan Plymouth.

Its too quiet. When its too quiet I get lazy. I get lethargic. Its a whole momentum thing, you know the way the busiest people always seem to have time to do everything, but the people with the most time seem to not have enough time to do anything?

Its like that.

I never have time to do anything in Plymouth because I think I have all the time in the world. Whereas in somewhere more, well, fast paced, I have the time and energy to do all i have to do and then some.

Thats it I need to get a job. If only to get me moving and do something useful with my time.

I nak balik Londonnnnnnnnnnnnnn......

The black and white stripes of Newcastle

I guess the whole holiday has been a bit of a re-visit to the past of sorts. A reconciling between the past and the present, a closure of sorts. Been tying loose ends, getting answers to questions I've been wondering why to, and finally being able to move on.

Newcastle was one of those 'see old friends' trip. To see Vicks. He used to be one of my best guy friends back in Taiping till we sort of drifted apart. Too many things came between us. My 'best' friend, his girlfriend. The desire to be 'cool' and be seen in the company of the 'right' people. How Jane Austen. How Mrs Bennett.

Anyway enough of thinking about all that and back to reporting about Newcastle. Well what can I say about Newcastle? It looks almost like every other city in the UK, but it was more the people than the place that made the trip worth the while.

Stayed over at Vick's place and met up with his housemates and all, they were complaining about the girls at medic being uptight and then we started talking about boobs and FHM and watched this weirdass movie called Castaway (but purely for the Amanda Donahue or whatever her name is punya boobs). Started joking and all that about gals and all that until Aizat remarked, "You're fast becoming my favourite girl!"

Sigh. I'm too much of a guy.

Also been ogling girls wayyy too much thanks to the only supply of literature in the house being Maxim and FHM and GQ. Not complaining though. I love FHM. Especially Ladies Confessions. Seriously yah, where do they get all those girls who pose for the mags? I mean, if you go on the streets, how many gals do you actually see with such chun bodies and faces? Or have I been hanging out too much where the hags are?

Anyway I digress.

We went to Alnwick Castle. You know, the castle where Harry Potter, Elizabeth and most of the lovely English movies were filmed? Its gorgeous!

It even houses the biggest treehouse in the world! What a merry wonderland! I want to be the children of the Duke and Duchess of Northumberland in my next life!! Hah!


Oh yeah, I met a lovely old lady and a handsome punjabi guy on the way here. The coach to Newcastle was delayed cos of an accident on the motorway and by the time we got moving we were 3 hours late, but we had such jolly good fun chatting together that we didn't even realise that!

Anyway, the guy, Sanjeev and I sat next to each other on the coach and at the end of the trip became firm friends and he invited me to his birthday party. Of course I asked if I could bring a friend la, takkan I wanna go to a strange guy's place alone, right? So on Monday Vicks and I went over to his lovely place and had a lovely time at the party. I even learnt how to make chapatti from his girlfriend Nancy. They're really nice, and we wanted to go to the Metrocentre the next day together, but thing came up so I went on my own...


Didn't get to go for any of the famous Newcastle Nights Out because the guys were always so busy, but they were nice enought to bring me out one night to cross the Milennium Bridge and take pictures and all that. Newcastle by night looks magical. Spent time with the guys watching the footie match (them) and checking out cute players and their legs and bums (me).

Vicks was on call the next day, so Alvin being the sweetie that he is, sent me off at the coach station. I'm the eternal worrier, and we got there an hour early, which we spent talking about being piggies and looking for jobs and his coming MBA. Yeesh, tak aci, the guy 8 months younger than me, but already stating his MBA when I'm just halfway through my third year!

I left Newcastle with fond memories, strengthed friendship with Vicks, and load and loads of new friends.

And friends... Friends are always good to have around.