Closure

103 days ago you visited my multiply site... maybe you thought you would just drop by and see how I was doing, what's going on with my life. Maybe you thought I'd never find out. Perhaps you were looking up your old friends. Maybe you were just curious.

But why?

We met 5 years ago... 5 years seems like a long time ago. They say time heals all wounds... but maybe 5 years isn't long enough. Because it hurt. My god, did it hurt. Even after all those years, even though I've moved on. It felt as if someone had just punched me in the stomach and the floodgates of memories rushed out and overwhelmed me.

I knew from the start it was wrong. But like a moth drawn to the flame I couldn't resist. How could I have? You were everything I wanted in a guy. Thoughtful, kind, witty, charming, you wrote poems that every 18 year old girl dreamt of getting - of course I fell for you.

And I fell hard. You were after all, the first guy I fancied myself in love with.

But as things like that go, there's only so much I could handle. I could handle you not being there, I could handle the 4 hour distance that separated us. But I could not handle you being with another. No, I wanted you all to myself.

You made a mistake. You never should have introduced us. We became friends, and guess what? Every time you forgot to call her, she told me about it. And every time you made her day, she told me about it. I don't understand why she felt such a connection with me, she said that I was the only one that seemed to be able to empathise on what she was feeling. And how could I have not? We were feeling the same things about the same person. I liked her, but I could never be a true friend to her, though we could have been.

A few months later she told me about what you did on your annivesary. I never felt so horrible before. How could I have even trusted you? How could I be such a horrible 'friend' to her? How could I listen to all that, knowing that you were stringing the both of us along? And so I told her the truth.

The rest, they say, is history.

You left a big gaping wound that eventually became a hideous scar. How could I ever trust anyone again after that? How could I ever let myself be so vulnerable again. I couldn't, wouldn't let anyone make such a fool out of me again.

Maybe I've cut my nose in spite of my face. Because I was so afraid of being hurt, I never let anyone close. I would find any excuse to distance myself from perfectly good people as soon as I could feel myself getting closer to them. It spilled over to my friendships. Unconsciously, I distanced myself from my friends, became callous as soon as I sensed that they might have the power to hurt me. I trailed along like a bird with broken wings, bitter that I would never fly as carefree as I was before. The song that was in my heart, was snuffed out by scar tissues.

It would have been a downward spiral from there... I thought I had became too cold to love.

Fortunately, someone came along and changed it all. Maybe because it was so unexpected, I didn't put up that strong a barrier between us. But slowly and surely I found myself down the path I never thought I would walk again.

It took me so long to realise that as long as I clung on to that hurt, I was never really letting you go. Today I looked at your pictures and wondered why. What I saw in you. Why I held on to that hurt for so long.

But thank you.

You taught me a valuable lesson.

And it made me appreciate the person I'm with a whole lot more.

Masquerade

Dear Dee,

Sometimes you put on a mask, a facade of what you want the world to see you as..

sometimes, you wear it for so long that it gels into you, like a second skin

and you get confused as to what's real and what's not;

and sometimes you wish you could just rip it off

but you're afraid of how others might react to you - the vulnerable you.

the 'you' you wore the mask to protect in the first place...

but sometimes you need to realise

is that sometimes, you need to take risks

to know that people do love you

for who you are

not who you seem to be...

...if only its as easy as that

There are always going to be what ifs..

what if the people you value the most can't accept it?

what if you lose everything that is precious to you?

what if...

what if...

the list goes on.

and the past always catches up with you...


I've seen what's beneath that mask

it's not as bad as you think.

*hug*