Mortality

I am shamefully selfish.

Amidst two deaths of loved ones of the people closest to me, I cry over the fact that my laptop is gone.

I don't mourn people, instead I mourn some inanimate object that can easily be replaced with money (which I, unfortunately, don't have).

As I was walking behind the casket bearing Will's grandma's body with his family, I felt really sad that they had lost someone near and dear to them. But that night, as I lay down to sleep, I thought of my laptop, thought of all the what ifs and if only, cursing the fact that the only day I leave it downstairs is the day that they happened to break into my place, and if only I insured my laptop instead of my phone.

After I got the news that Sue Yen's brother just passed away in a freak accident, I continued on with my day, yes, feeling a bit sorry that he had died, yet still able to enjoy my day trip to St Ives, lounging by the beach and swimming with the gals.

Life for others doesn't stop when death comes and takes one away.

Its almost scary.

After you die, people will still go on about their businesses, still regret the thing they did or did not do, still worry about the bills, still enjoy their time with their friends, still eat that scrumptious blueberry cheesecake and plan dinner parties.

It's almost as if it doesn't make much of a difference.

Is this all there is, work and struggle through life, go through joys and sadness... go through a whole lifetime's journey... and it ends, just like that?

Happiness is...

When your boyfriend comes back early from work announcing that work got cancelled.

*happy grin*

So we went for a drive to Blockbusters.

Rented out 3 movies. And got a huge tub of Haagen Daaz's Strawberry Cheesecake for me.

We cuddled on the sofa, ate dinner and watched movies.

*total happiness.. it's rare that we get to spend so much time together*

It's the little things like this that makes it all worth it. Little things that keep you warm at night when you're home alone and missing him dearly. Little things that keep a relationship going.

You see, these little things are relationship staples. The kiss goodnight, the toothpaste left on toothbrushes, the helping out with the washing up, calling to tell that you're going to be late. And yes, those chill out movies that you watch, cuddled together on the couch.

It's not the big bouquet of flowers, or that wonderfully romantic trip, or even that really expensive gadget that you buy as presents. Those, well those are bonuses.

Because at the end of the day, it's the little acts of kindness and consideration that takes discipline to do, and remind them that they're not taken for granted.

Now thats priceless.

Tribute to what once was...

A little over 120 hours ago, my house was broken into. Among some of the things that were burgled was my Fujitsu S2020 laptop.

The thing is, it wasn't just a laptop. No, it was a lot more than that.

It was where I spent countless hours with my roommate Chewy 2 years ago, building our dream houses and families, indulging in our control freak tendencies through Sims 2.

It was the laptop that I wept over while typing my various assignments at the very last minute.

It was a medium through which I shared my joys and sorrows with friends and family through the likes of MSN and Yahoo Messanger... It helped me through bouts of homesickness and bleak moments of loneliness a student studying half the world away from Malaysia.

Its my only source of music and entertainment in the long winters at Marjon. Nothing like Enya when you're trying to sleep and Garbage playing on the background while you're trying to read books written by the likes of someone with the name of Zoltan Dornyei.

It's my Picasa album full of pictures of friends and family. Pictures that capture moments that can never be relived. Pictures of travels and adventures to foreign lands, or just pictures of a friend when she was still alive.

It was the video player that allowed me to view the footage of Odil, Alvin, Doreen, Nick, Raymond, Allen, Bansi and me having fun at the food fight we had last Christmas. And all the other footages of us, well, just being us.

It was my degree. A whole year's worth of thinking and brainstorming ideas for my dissertation. Months worth of research, interviews conducted through chat and quotations from books that I thought was bad enough to go through the first time, but now have to read through again.

Has anyone ever read 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry?

That part where the prince talks about the rose, *his* Rose, rings true:

"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than you altogether, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except for two or three for butterflies). Since's she the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."

Just like the rose, anyone else would think that it's just an ordinary laptop.

But to me its not. It's MY laptop.

Its the laptop I've painstakingly where I painstakingly sorted the files. Just the way I like.

It's that same one that I panicked over and called just about everyone I know from a few different continents in tears to help sort out, just because I had unwittingly pressed the num lock button.

The same one I routinely run a full system virus scan and ad aware programme every Sunday, and the one that I have to leave alone for hours to defragment.

The one that I would carefully put the foam thingy between the keyboard and screen, the very one that I would wince in pain if it got scratched.

All those years of love and experiences. My laptop has been with me through it all.

And now it's not.

And it's left a gaping hole in my heart where it used to be.

I believe that its the BEST laptop that Fujitsu ever made. Given the choice of ANY other laptop, I'd still go for my Fujitsu S2020.

*SIGH*

sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga...

Great.

I've just been burgled.

Bye bye my beloved Fujitsu Lifebook...

Bye bye one year's worth of dissy prep and work done.

Bye bye holiday pictures that were not backed up.

Bye bye great collection of painstakingly searched for songs, pictures and downloads.

Bye bye bitter sweet old memories.

Sigh...

*sam thong*

Great year, huh?

Bills, Bills, Bills...

It never ends, does it?

Its bad enough having to fork out £200 for my phone bill, I got suckered into joining not one but TWO bookclubs that are both demanding payment of over £100 EACH as breach of contract for not buying 4 books as written in the agreement.

I didn't even know that I was supposed to be buying 4 books from them. I thought the initial books that I bought for about £1 each counted towards it.

Apparently not.

So right now, I am approximately £400 in debt. All within a year and the worst thing is, I don't even have anything to show for it.

I could have gone on two holidays with that kind of money. Or spent a whole lot more on food and shopping in Paris. Or buy more useless souvenirs than I plan to bring back from the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul. Or more shoes than I can ever need from Italy. At the very least, I could have taken a taxi instead of walking from Selfridges to Harrods (it almost ruined my brand new heels!).

No.

Instead, I have to spend it all on bills and debt repayment agencies with a stupid name like Commercial Collection Services.

Arghh.

I absolutely hate having to worry about money. I wish Orange made a mistake with the bill, or that I read the smallprint and was wiser to know that if a deal sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

So here I go, struggling to pay the bills. I don't know how I'll go about it, but if its got to be done somehow.

So help me God.

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!