making it on my own

A bombshell dropped. Suddenly I feel so alone. So... abandoned.

I just realised that I have nothing left here anymore. That my life isn't here anymore. That I don't belong here.

2 years away...

Thats enough to change everything. And there's no point trying to force things to be the same, they aren't, and they will never be. People I've loved and cared for, they're no longer the same... or rather, I'm not the same anymore.

It's come to a point when I meet up with old friends and realise that we have nothing in common anymore, and that we're actually only seeing each other for old time's sake. Because we've all moved on with our lives.

I have a problem. My problem is that I tend to depend on others. That I need guidance. It doesn't seem that way, I give the impression that I've got it all under control, that I'm independant and don't need anyone.

But I do. I've always had someone on the sidelines, cheering me on. Giving me advise on what to do. A safety net in case I fall.

I guess now all harnesses have been cut off, and the safety net's been taken away.

The moment of reckoning... it's do or die.

And this chick's learning to spread her wings and fly.

people matter

I took a taxi to Puduraya yesterday and at the end of my journey, I was very surprised when the taxi driver thanked me and said he was glad he stopped for me. What he said surprised me.

"I've been a taxi driver for about 3 months now, and so far, you're the only one who treated me like a person".

I was shocked. Appalled. He must meet at least 5 people a day, and of all these people that he might have met in the past 3 months, none of them treated him like a person?

It's sad, really, for as soon as you forget the people matter, you cease to be in touch with your humanity. You forget what life is about, why you were put here in the first place. You lose sight of what is important. You get so caught up in trying to be successful that you forget what success really means.

I'm really disturbed by this.

Some may argue that times have changed, we now live in a selfish, materialistic world. But doesn't it just mean that there is now, more than ever, the need for us to be more compassionate?

It scares me. Because once we lose our humanity, our humane-ness, whats to keep us from destroying each other, and ultimately, ourselves?

I wish I could talk to someone about this. I wish someone would tell me that everything's going to be allright in this world. That it's not true what the taxi driver said. I wish someone would restore my faith in our society. In people. But I read the news and everyday, I get more and more cynical. I read about cold blooded murders, random shootings, grandmothers being raped, pregnant women's bags being snatched, little girls' innocence cruelly taken away by people who are supposed to be their protectors. Evil prey on the vulnerable, and what are the ones in the position to protect doing?

I guess thats why we need superheroes. If not in real life, then in fantasy. Spiderman, Batman, Superman - if just to escape cruel reality that, really, no one is there to help us. But really, what is the heart of the message in those comics? That only those blessed with supernatural powers and courage will be able to do something whilst the rest of us look on, feel horrified, and then look away and do own own things, carrying on as we did before, apathetic.

Apathy. The antithesis of life itself. Someone once told me that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Once that indifference has set in, there's no reviving love anymore. Once people are apathetic, they're as good as dead. How many people we see today are but empty shells? How did they end up like that? They must have used to care once, but somewhere along the way, things happened to make them give up. Will I end up like that too, not too long from now?

I'm thinking too much.

But I'm at a point now where I'm re-examining my values, attitudes and beliefs. I'm at a time where I have discounted my 'I will never...' list and have opened up to the possibilties that well, I might. *shrugs*. I'm accepting the fact that things aren't neatly divided into sections of black and white, but rather, comes in shades of grey. And I've learnt that I just have to trust myself to make the judgement of whats best for me. Because ultimately, it is my life and no one else is going to live it for me. I have to be accountable for all the decisions I make, and take into account the people who will be affected by those decisions.

I'll keep Emily Dickinson's words close to heart, that --

"We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies."

Well, today I decide that people matter. That everyone I meet, however briefly, come out of the encounter feeling that they're worth something, that they matter. Perhaps then, with the knowledge that someone believes in them, their statures will truly touch the heavens.

We can all be heroes.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Must be earned.

A friend and I were talking about our module evaluations yesterday. About a certain lecturer, Dr. R, doesn't really have anything content-related to say during lectures and tutorials. We mimicked him, we mocked him, we made lots of fun of him. And then another friend said, "Eh, respect a bit la, he's still our lecturer, you know".

That sparked off a whole discussion about respect.

I am of the opinion that respect is not accorded. You don't get respect because you've got certain qualifications, or because you're in a position of power or authority. No, for me, it has to be earned.

It's who you are that gets respect. Your character, attitudes, believes, values... you get respect by proving yourself over and over again, by being dependable, by being worthy. It starts with respect for yourself, and for those around you. It reflects on the way you carry yourself, the words you speak and the words you don't, as well the little things you do or don't do.

If what you do or what you say is not worthy of respect, you can demand to be respected all you want, but you're never going to get it. The only way to actually get respect is to be worthy of it - and then it comes automatically.

And I hope I am worthy.

Just this once...

"At some moment or other one is absent-minded, and that is enough!" - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

All it takes is that one time.

One careless moment, and you're pregnant. One moment of recklessness that might give you AIDS. One moment of inattention before you crash your car. One moment of anger when you say words you don't mean to hurt the ones you love.

And things change from that moment on.

Never take your eye off the ball.

butterfly effects

sometimes i wonder what would be if September 11 never happened. if i got my visa and took up NYU's scholarship instead. if i had not gone through form 6, this course and went to UK. if the last 6 years of my life was spent in new york.

would i be with the likes of oi yen, working in new york, a sophisticated cosmo girl ready to take on whatever life may throw at her? i would never have met the people who have enriched my life so much, sally, doreen, bansi, odil, raymond, alven, will... but who's to say that i won't meet others that will help me grow in different ways? who's that say that maybe, kalau ada jodoh, we would all meet one day, only in different circumstances?

there is a belief in karma that says that the people you meet today are people you are somehow destined to meet because of your relationship in your past life. that there are no chance encounters. perhaps its true. perhaps every encounter leaves you a different person, and lead to an aspect of yourself that you've not realised had you not met them.

so as far as karma goes, we are all put here for a reason. as a reaction for every decisions we make. and if we are to be so intricately linked, wouldn't one minor decision affect the lifes of others as well, those whom we've met, as well as those whom we've not met?

i don't know. i have no answers, only questions.

so back to here and now. perhaps i'm being optimistic by saying that there is some divine reason behind every mundane event. perhaps the lesson here is so that i'll be able to able to recognise and appreciate the better when it comes along.

perhaps the lesson is to make the ordinary, extraordinary.

Perfect

I don't want to have half-hearted love affairs
I need someone who really cares
Life is too short to play silly games
I've promised myself I won't do that again
--- Fairground Attraction, "Perfect"

How many times have we settled for second best, how many times do we restrain from trying to get the best, be the best, because if we did, we'd lose the comfort and security that second best sometimes give?

Too many times, methinks.

But as Anais Nin so succinctly put it, "there comes a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud is more painful that the risk it takes to blossom". And yes, there comes a time when realisation that you've got everything to lose if you don't try to reach out and grasp whatever it is that you want moves you to take action.

Like walking away from a good, but problematic relationship into a better one. Risking everything for something you believe is worth it.

It's not that I'm advocating jumping ship whenever problems arise. Not at all. But sometimes, enough is enough, there is only so much that you can take, so much you can do to try to resuscitate it.

The worst of relationships don't falter because of the big things like infidelity, but rather it gets worn away by the little things - words left unsaid, unreturned phone calls, occational put-downs made jokingly. The image of someone, a Miss Havisham of sorts, sadly blowing out candles and putting away the wine glasses after spending the whole day cooking and anticipating the moment, of great expectations let down and futile hope, evokes heartwrenching pity. Swinging between hope and dissapoinment does take a huge toll..

But sometimes, its not that easy to walk away, especially when it comes to love. If someone came along and seemed to understand me, see through the facades and break through barriers to reach into the most sensitive part of my heart - made me feel special and loved and go all wobbly - I probably wouldn't know how to walk away from that.

Because that alone, that idea that someone understands, would probably justify staying with someone who's personality of Jekyll and Hyde, with moodswings and the ability to make you feel so so small, so damned, so taken for granted. Because for all the bad, there is the good. Its just a matter of turning a blind eye.

But the reality of the situation is that it's not about turning blind eyes to situations like these. Sooner or later it wears you down, you become something you're not, you ultimately lose yourself. And really, any unpleasant situation that is unpleasant enough to make you feel so depressed you want to die, is just not worth it.

And when you do take that difficult first step, everything falls into place.

All it takes is that one first step.

And hopefully things will be on its way to being, well, if not perfect, better.

Independance is...

At first glance, independence seems like the way forward – being able to party all night, having the freedom to have McDonald’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and being able to go anywhere you want, anytime you please, without your parents nagging in the background. But after the novelty has worn off, reality sinks in.

Instead of having the wings to fly freely, other things come into the picture to ruin your idyllic freedom. Things like responsibility, and like trying desperately to reconcile debit with credit. Then you realise that freedom comes with a very high price. And you learn.

You learn that spending £80 on a pair of boots does is not worth spending a month eating nothing but potato-based food, even if those CFM boots make you feel a whole feet taller. You learn that there are bills to pay – or the debt collection agency to deal with. You learn that going to Italy for a week alone and rooming in a dodgy hostel near the red light district just because it was cheap without telling anyone about it isn’t a good idea.

You learn that even the poshest meal at Harvey Nichol’s Fifth Floor restaurant does not come close to your mom’s home cooked sambal petai.

Most of all, you realise all too late now that you’re all grown up, you miss being a little girl without a care in the world.

— Vysia Yong, 23
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/8/27/lifefocus/20060827101103&sec=

femme fatale