whats the point?

Life really couldn't be better.

Everything I ever wanted I have. Amazing friends, the boyfriend of my dreams, an oppurtunity to travel the world.

I wanted all these and now I've got them. Of course I still want a lot of other things.

But you know those moments that catch you unawares, those horrible thoughts in your head that makes you wonder, even during the moments when you're supposed to be the happiest, 'whats the point of all these'?

Whats the point of making the bed if you're only going to sleep in it again?

Whats the point of showering if you're only going to get dirty again?

Whats the point of changing so many clothes when there's always more laundry to do?

Whats the point of living if for all that you do in your life, you're only going to die in the end?

These are extremely negative thoughts, I know, and I have no reason to be like that. Every day I try to push it away. I try to put on a smile and be happy and jolly and everything I have to be. And every day it becomes more and more exhausting.

I try not to brood. But day by day it becomes harder and harder to work up any sort of excitement about life.

Will keeps on saying that I have to take care of myself, especially after the accident. That now that I've had such a close encounter with death I should appreciate my life even more.

I don't even want to type the retorts that was going on in my head.

I don't know. I'm just too exhausted. Too tired to bother about anything around me anymore. I've lost that part of me that wanted to help people, fight for rights, right the wrongs.

At the end of the day, whats the point?

Perfect

I don't want to have half-hearted love affairs
I need someone who really cares
Life is too short to play silly games
I've promised myself I won't do that again
--- Fairground Attraction, "Perfect"

How many times have we settled for second best, how many times do we restrain from trying to get the best, be the best, because if we did, we'd lose the comfort and security that second best sometimes give?

Too many times, methinks.

But as Anais Nin so succinctly put it, "there comes a time when the ris to remain tight in the bud is more painful that the risk it takes to blossom". And yes, there comes a time when realisation that you've got everything to lose if you don't try to reach out and grasp whatever it is that you want moves you to take action.

Like walking away from a good, but problematic relationship into a better one. Risking everything for something you believe is worth it.

It's not that I'm advocating jumping ship whenever problems arise. Not at all. But sometimes, enough is enough, there is only so much that you can take, so much you can do to try to resuscitate it.

The worst of relationships don't falter because of the big things like infidelity, but rather it gets worn away by the little things - words left unsaid, unreturned phone calls, occational put-downs made jokingly. The image of someone, a Miss Havisham of sorts, sadly blowing out candles and putting away the wine glasses after spending the whole day cooking and anticipating the moment, of great expectations let down and futile hope, evokes heartwrenching pity. Swinging between hope and dissapoinment does take a huge toll..

But sometimes, its not that easy to walk away, especially when it comes to love. If someone came along and seemed to understand me, see through the facades and break through barriers to reach into the most sensitive part of my heart - made me feel special and loved and go all wobbly - I probably wouldn't know how to walk away from that.

Because that alone, that idea that someone understands, would probably justify staying with someone who's personality of Jekyll and Hyde, with moodswings and the ability to make you feel so so small, so damned, so taken for granted. Because for all the bad, there is the good. Its just a matter of turning a blind eye.

But the reality of the situation is that it's not about turning blind eyes to situations like these. Sooner or later it wears you down, you become something you're not, you ultimately lose yourself. And really, any unpleasant situation that is unpleasant enough to make you feel so depressed you want to die, is just not worth it.

And when you do take that difficult first step, everything falls into place.

All it takes is that one first step.

And hopefully things will be on its way to being, well, if not perfect, better.