white november

it was the most beautiful view from the window... snow falling, gently blanketing the whole Village. It was awesome.

I love the snow. I love snowfights. I love making snowmen and giving them the biggest carrots and tomatoes as genitals.

I love the crunch of the snow when I walk on it. I love running in snow and having friends chase me, brandishing the biggest snowballs menacingly.

It was just awesome. Amazing, considering that its the first time in 4 years that it's snowed in Plymouth.

And you know what? I was so busy enjoying myself that I FORGOT TO TAKE PICTURES!!!

*regret*

Ah well, live the moment.

Nick drove to Asda. We had to actually scrape snow off the windshields and all that. The car was practically frozen. And no, Bansi and I didn't walk on the black ice. Bought shitloads of stuff, the whole boot and backseats were full. And also planned to cook Roy's Roast Lamb, and thus have it sitting nicely in the marinade for tomorrow's dinner. Whoopedee doo, can't wait.

Right company and I are talking again, thanks to Doreen. What she said made sense. It's better to lose your pride for the person you love, then to lose the person you love because of pride. I've been so stubborn, and it only served to make me even more miserable.

Am I glad I made the decision to swallow pride, pick up the phone and call it a truce? To admit that after months and months of trying to forget, running halfway across the globe away, meet new people, the one I was missing was right there all along. Beside me. Inside me. A part of me.

3 years...

Its a long time. Can a year apart help make you forget, inspire you to start afresh? I've gone out, done the things I've wanted to do - but should not have done, experimented with life, only to realise I had what I wanted all these while.

But do I regret it?

No. Right or wrong, they were my decisions. They were the catalyst in my growing up process. They made me realise how important what I took for granted were. They were pathways I took in search of self. And I'm glad I took the chance to experience all that. And am lucky enough to be able to realise where I went wrong, and take the U-turn back to the path I want to take.

But I don't know if it was the right decision, if he is the right person... I know I should not have doubts. He loves me so much. Too much. And a tiny weeny part of me doesn't think I deserve to be loved like that. Nor want to.

I don't want to be someone's faerie princess. I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I don't want to have the ground I walk on worshipped.

I just want the freedom to be me.

...

i want to be alone. but then again i don't want to be alone also.

neverending, the cycle.

i just need the right company. and right now right company and i aren't in contact with each other.

*sigh*

can't live with. can't live without.

c'est la vie?

Ahh.. don't we just love Orange Wednesdays?

Watched 2 films with Doreen today - The Libertine and Harry Potter. A bargain for a little less than £10 the two of us. Even the snacks cost us more than the tickets itself. Damnit, how can a tub of popcorn and 2 diet cokes cost £7 something?! Talk about daylight robbery!

By the time we got back it was half past midnight, and I went over to pick my laundry up at Bansi's. Ended up eating the vegan choc cake that I made for last night's vegetarian dinner party and playing a few rounds of GT or something (car racing game) with Nick and Bansi for an hour.

And I haven't touched the IT assignment that I'm supposed to hand in on Monday. Smart huh?

But it was a sunny day, too nice to waste on work anyway. Doreen and I had a good time at the movies, she shushing me up everything I made a remark and shoving chocolate nuts into my mouth to make herself feel less guilty about eating them. Tsk...

And *minah tu (* means 'that girl' in Malay) also forgot to lock her car doors. Which was amazing considering the fact what it was still in one piece more than 5 hours later. I'd hate to imagine what would happen if this were to happen in Malaysia...

On another note, theres this guy who just won't leave me alone. Keeps on trying to call and always kacau me on MSN whenever he sees me online. Its irritating. Its bad enough that he can't keep his effing hands to himself. I grimace involuntarily when I think of him.

You know what, if someone shows NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, please do try to leave off. It is annoying. And guess what? You become the object of jokes amongst her friends and her male friends *will* get protective around her when you're around.

And please, there is a HUGE difference between playing hard to get and plain avoiding you, if you weren't so thick you'd realise it, and its appalling to think that someone who's studying in Cambridge can be so dense. By the way, it is not amusing to try to ring her knowingly hoping that it would look like an accidental call where you leave a pretend 'message' of some sort of friendly gathering in the background.

I may be random with my acquaintances but I am very selective of my friends. And plainly, you're not one of them, so please, bugger off.

Cos look, I'm not interested. If you want to be friends, it fine by me. If you so happen to fancy yourself in love with me, its also fine by me. But whats NOT fine, is you telling me that you love me because that is uncalled for. How dare you put me in such a spot. I have made it crystal clear that I'm not interested, and if you want to ruin our friendship by attempting to bring it to the next level, then I'm sorry.

What the hell do you expect me to do? Wake up tomorrow and pretend its all fine, that you never mentioned anything? You had to make things difficult, didnt you? Well the stakes were high and you took the wager, now gather your losses and be gone.

Yes you had every right to fancy yourself in love with me, as long as I had no part in it. As long as I can pretend that you're not. That we are just good friends. Anything but that. Its too late now, I am VERY uncomfortable around you, and you know me well enough to know that I despise discomfort.

I don't want anyone in my life right now. I've been in one relationship long enough to know that. I've taken so long to find myself... I don't want to lose myself again.

On a more frivolous note, why would I want to trade the adoration of many just to be taken for granted by one?

ciunas gan uaigneas

"don't call me. don't write. don't show up in the middle of the night" - Sozzi 'Letting Go'

is what i want to tell just about anyone and everyone.

ESPECIALLY YESTERDAY.

Too many phonecalls. Too many chat windows. Too many people.

I can't take it anymore.

I can't even sit for 10 minutes without someone calling or looking for me. I can't even have a proper shower without missing some sort of call. I need to keep on deleting my messages on my inbox to make way for new ones - and wtf, I've got space for over 100 messages.

I'm drained. Exhausted. With all the company and the whirlwind activities. I've been saying that I want to take a break from this all for months. Yet I haven't even had a single day off on my own.

If only it was that easy... to say no, I don't want to go out today. No I don't want to have lunch/dinner/supper. No I don't want to watch a movie. No I don't want to sleep over tonight. No I don't want to go for a walk. No. I just want to be alone.

But its not. Partly because I don't know how to say no.

I just want to run away from it all. Go off somewhere, maybe to the Aran Islands, book a nice comfy hotel room with my own toilet and most importantly, a bathtub to soak all the stress away. Get myself pampered and massaged for every inch of me. switch off all my phones. go somewhere no one knows me. without telling anyone so they won't know where to find me.

But I can't... not anytime soon anyway. My schedule is packed till the 12th of January.

Can I wait that long?

I know what I want for my birthday.

A spa treat and a cosy little room and a bathtub to myself. And no one else (or maybe one or two friends I'm close to).

And it would just be perfect.

i dont know what i want

Crossroads. CHOICES. yes. No. MAYBE. fork of the road. Decisions.

She knows

You think you've had it figured.

That you could keep the two separate.

But she knows.


She knows the moment she looks into the black pools of your eyes

She knows your heart is not into it when you make love to her

that secretly, you're thinking of another.

She knows.


She knows you've been dining at places she only vaguely remembers

that someone else takes the place she used to reign

She knows that smile that melted her heart

now melts the heart of another

She knows.


She knew it was over between the two of you

even before you said those words

That last sigh, expelling the hopes and dreams that lay broken

Oh that last sigh

There was no need for words...

She already knew

I sprained my back last night trying to lift a drunk friend from the floor so that she could go to the toilet.

It's terribly painful, added to the fact that my back has had more than enough of its share of abuse.

Last night was so bad that I couldn't move after I lied in my bed. That, coupled with some vodka martini that I had made me terribly paranoid that I was going to suffocate and die. And so I texted Bansi at 5am in the morning...

"i think i hurt my back. tried to lift ****** cos she was drunk but fell cos she was too heavy. omg it hurts i cant sleep i think i'm going to die. can u check on me? left door unlocked"

and omigod guess what?

he was here in less than 10 minutes. i felt really bad for waking him up cos i meant him to check on me in the morning before the cleaners come to clean the room. i mean if i die i don't want my cleaners to find me like that lorr...

he came, adjusted my position, put pillows under my neck and back and feet and massaged my back until i felt better and tucked me in when i fell asleep and then went back to his house to continue his sleep. so kamtong, didn't know that i had such a wonderful friend who sayangs me so much.

never in my life would i imagine anyone would do that for me -

wake up, wash, get dressed in less than 10 minutes and walk all the way just to check on me and then spend more than an hour trying to make me feel more comfortable...

and really, i don't know how to thank him enough.

Doreen and I had a chat yesterday when she asked me about the 'status' of our friendship. But what can I say about someone whom I'm so close with that I'd be able to talk about anything with? What can I say about someone I care for so much that he's closer than a brother? What can I say about a friendship so pure that it's beyond attraction and we just like and accept each other as is? What words can describe someone who layans you all the time, makes ginger tea in the middle of the night because you just feel like it, and doesn't say a word about the injury incurred whilst carrying a new wardrobe to your room and apologises that he accidentally got that blood on the wardrobe?

None, really. Some things are just intangible. To attempt to pin it down with a word would do it injustice, because theres that 'something more' factor.

and some things, i guess, are best felt with the heart.

its been a week?!

You know how some people get really cranky and grumpy when they don't get their regular shag?

I'm like that. Only in my case, it's baking.

You would think that baking 10 cakes in 2 days for raya and all that would put me off baking for a long long while, but it hasn't. I haven't baked in about a week, and ooh, i do feel the void in my life. My gosh, most of my time must have been spent in the kitchen then, considering that I've found myself with too much time in my hands rather suddenly.

But nevermind, nature abhors a vacuum. And of course, the whole week has been a whirlwind of activities.

From Guy Fawke's Night having dinner and playing fireworks at David's... to having a whale of a time being super pampered by the guys next door because I was feeling rather miserable. To going with David and his dad to Trago Mills to pick out new decor for my room and have a lovely dinner at The George and then spending a night in Doreen's room after late night tea with Andy, Odil, Harry and Alvin. Oh, and Raymond gave me a haircut, too.

Very fulfilling life I lead. And I'm glad I actually started blogging. Else all these would be forgotten. And moments like these, though seemingly mundane, are the moments that we'll miss most when they're gone.

Come to think of it, it's not the big occasions in life that we miss, because when all is said and done, the little things that we take for granted that we miss most.. Long walks to Asda, Andy's tea and Gaby's coffee, slumber party at Sally's collectively melting into puddles of drool watching Johnny Depp in Ninth Gate, movie marathons on pajama parties, crying on each other's shoulders, hugs and kisses and cuddles from friends.

Whats life without those?

Wait don't answer that. I don't want to know.

But whatever it is, I am happy. I am content to know that whatever happens, I have people around me to look out for me when my eyes are blurry from the tears. I have people around me who will let me wallow in the mud for awhile, and wait for me at the sidelines with a clean towel to dust me off so that I'm all bright and shiny to face the world.

And I'm really thankful for that.

* * *

anyway, some pictures of Guy Fawke's night

Holy shit!

Omigod, I only have 87pence to my name. That works out to about RM6!

And I haven't paid off my credit card, my telephone bills etc etc etc...

Oh shit, how am I going to live?! Takkan use credit card to pay for everything right? Die lar die lar..

I can't believe that back in KL, my idea of broke was RM100 in my wallet and a few hundred more stashed in a drawer somewhere.

And now...

About 5 quid on me, and 87pence in the bank!

Dear god, theres no way my parents can transfer any money since the banks are closed for the festive season back home.

Die larr!!!

*cry*cry*cry*

Maaf zahir batin

Maybe I'm just being oversensitive.

Maybe this festive Raya season stress is affecting all of us.

Maybe its the 3 days of not sleeping well.

But when she said 'aku tak minta pun', i bit my lips so hard to stop myself from bursting into tears that it bled.

We thought maybe she would be miserable this raya, so Doreen hatched a plan to surprise her with a raya feast on pagi raya. So off we went early yesterday morning till sundown to the City Centre to buy ingredients for rendang, pulut kuning, kuah kacang (cos she said she always have that on raya mornings) chicken kurma and banana cake.

We cooked until 6something in the morning, my feet were killing me by the time i washed everything up.

And that morning, when we saw her so happy, we thought, oh berbaloi la our usaha.

But for her to say that, just because I pointed out that my feet also hurts really badly because she was complaining about how horribly tiring it is to have to boil nasi himpit for tomorrow's feast really hurt.

She was probably tired, and cranky, and I'm probably just very sensitive from the lack of sleep. But it was as if someone took my heart and squeezed it so hard that I couldn't breathe.

I mumbled something about having to check on my other cakes and went out for a walk, but stopped by Linda's place to get something. Doreen was there as well and I was just going to complain about it, but I burst into tears before I could begin.

How silly is that?

It felt good to cry though, after that I could go back and bake the cakes at her place like nothing happened.

But seriously, once bitten, forever shy. I don't think I want to be so kindhearted to anybody anymore.

You know when they say, when you do something good for somebody, don't expect anything in return. But you do, don't you? To a certain extent. You expect them to appreciate it, you expect I don't know what, but you do expect something back.

People are selfish. Sometimes you do something good for someone not because they need it or anything, but sometimes its because you feel like doing something good as it makes you feel good about yourself. Sometimes the receiver is secondary. Its more like the giver wants to do something than the receiver needing/deserving it. You do things because it makes you feel good, although you want to deny it.

When we make someone else happy, we're pleased and happy with ourselves. Isn't that feeling pleased and happy with ourselves the main motivation of our doing good? Its so behaviourist, so Pavlovian sometimes.

Skinner and Thorndike got it right. If someone does something, and the consequences of the behaviour is pleasant, it reinforces them to repeat it again. Vice versa if someone gets an unpleasant experience from doing something. They just won't do it again.

I need to sleep.

So many things happening that I don't have time to think anymore.

10 minute microwave chocolate cake

Monday had our final potluck at Linda's place (I made a 10 minute microwave choc cake, then went for Halloween Party at Walkabout. I was part witch, part dominatrix, part devil.

Linda & Doreen helped with the makeup

David was a cowboy but we exchanged headgears*

With Gabby, Trudi & Eva

The drunken Mr Wong*

huddled with Abe for warmth cos I didn't bring a jacket!**

Tuesday baked a vegan apple pie for Bansi for Deepavali. Then cooked lemon chicken for dinner with the guys opposite my house.

Vegan apple pie

Then spent the night at Doreen's room watching DVDs and eating more of the chocolate that Wong gave, and then some more of the choc coated Brazillian nuts that Odil gave me (i think i go over looking for chocolate wayyyy too often that he knows what kinds of chocs i like (bitter dark Valrhona please!) and which ones i hate).

Doreen complains that I hog blankets.

Tonight I sleep alone after a week of squeezing on a single bed with at least one other person.

My tiny bed almost seems too big and cold.

I miss Kooky the huge teddy bear Weng Weng gave me.

*pics courtesy of Wong.
**pic courtesy of Abe