the wall :: the wall :: the wall :: i am surrounded :: the wall :: the wall :: the wall ::

I had a strange dream last night.

I was in this room, but the room was encased in a glass, and you were on the other side of it... and you kept on coming and coming until you reached the glass wall, so you were on the outside and I was in the inside of that glass room.

And you wanted to come in. I wanted you to come in. But somehow the glass wall was separating us.

You tried to get in. You pounded on it, and tried to break that wall. I just sat there and looked. And then you stopped. You looked at me and said that I had the key. But I didn't. You insisted that I did, and soon I began to believe that I did... and I was searching for it while you kept banging at that wall. I was searching and searching that I didn't realise that you stopped trying to break the wall.

And when I looked up, there you were, looking in. You were very angry. Very, very angry. I started crying, saying that I didn't have the key. But you still insisted that I did. And you were furious at me. But then after awhile, you began to believe that i really didn't have the key and tried and tried that break that wall, but to no avail.

You kept on trying and trying, and I couldn't do a thing. The emotions that was written on your face - hope, frustration, determination, and the anger... I don't know what else...

And then something inside me tells me that I shouldn't do that to you, that somehow the wall can never be broken. And I was scared. I did the only thing I knew how to do.

I ran away.

And you just stood there, the look of incredulous disbelief written all over your face. You shouted for me to stay. You told me not to run away. But I was scared, I ran away and hid in a cupboard.

You stood there in front of the wall for awhile. Perhaps waiting for me to come out. But I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't bear to see the look on your face.

And after awhile, I heard your footsteps fading. You were walking away, finally.

Then...

Silence. I sat there inside that dark cupboard, and I heard your laughter ringing with someone else's.

And then I realised...

That I was still holding a piece of your heart.

And I started crying all over again. And the room began to flood. I really needed to get out of the room, but I couldn't.

And then I saw the key. It was just outside the wall, at a hidden corner. You were near, but you were with someone else. I was already gasping for air, the water was high... I shouted, saying that I saw the key, that it was at the corner. But you just ignored me. I told you that I had a piece of your heart, and you turned and coldly said that it was a worthless piece of meat, that you don't want it anymore.

I started crying again. You turned and walked away, smiling and laughing. You said I deserved it.

I was sad... but somehow, I was glad you were happy. I stopped struggling, stopped trying to keep afloat.

Slowly I sank, but there was a smile on my face.

And I drowned in that glass room.

I drowned in my own tears.

This morning I suffer from the light-headedness that comes from no sleep - a sort of drunkenness, very good for writing because all sense of responsibility for what the words say is gone.

================

I went out with some friends but had dinner at Old Place alone. And how people stared! What's wrong with someone going in and hanging out alone in what's known as a 'Love Nest' for couples. I ignored their stares and perversely sat at the most conspicuous place in the restaurant. Now people were getting uncomfortable with a single in a lover's hangout. Some of my friends invited me to join them but I refused. I sat there...thinking, pondering as I watched the people about me.

As I observed the couples around me, a sense of loneliness engulfed me. I watched them whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears, hold hands...kiss...I watched them feed each other, laugh together, giggle over nothing, each set wrapped in a world of their own, oblivious to other worlds surrounding them. I was just an observer, the outsider looking in. Impassively.

I travel back into time and remember the times I too, used to spend there. Going out with friends and sometimes on dates, it just seemed like an everyday thing then. It's so funny that sometimes when you look back, it isn't the grand things that you remember...you remember instead the little things that you used to take for granted. Kindred spirits, for instance. Friends whom you love...friends whom you share everything with - laughter, tears, joy and sorrow, from corny jokes to age old wisdom. The many times we cried over broken relationships, the many times when we celebrated newfound love. The 'conventions' that we had there to discuss how best we could help each other, how best we could cheer a friend who was heartbroken. I remember the times when it was my turn to nurse a broken heart, how we cried over a cup of coffee, how we girls thought all guys are undeserving jerks and devised ways to torture them. Somehow they were able to bring a bubbly laughter out of my tear-streaked face. How crappy we were, that when one of us were angry with our boyfriend, everyone else was, too. And oh, I miss those times.

Pessimism sets in. I felt like screaming at them to open their eyes, nothing lasts forever. I've danced to the song of heartbreak and tears and sorrow, seen so many relationships shrivel and die, that sometimes I just wonder if it's even worth the trouble. Nothing lasts forever. Why does love that ends with death amuse? How much longer will they sell out on our depression? How many more tears before we rest in peace? How much more hurt, sorrow and despair? Days only settle in dawn, grey skies forever...

People need love more when they seem to deserve it least...

It brings to mind Victor Hugo's 'Les Miserables'. Like when the bishop Monseigneur Myriel forgives Jean Valjean when he steals the bishop's silver. One simple act of kindness and forgiveness can change a person's life forever.

Albeit, its not that simple, is it? It's not that simple to just 'forgive and forget' and wish a person well after the person has done something horrid to you. Strangers perhaps, are easier to forgive, but not someone whom you held dear. Its harder then. I guess when that happens the hurt runs too deep.

Love Story

"Where do I begin...to tell the story of how sweet a love can be?"

It was dusk, the sun was rising, looming above the horizon, colouring the sky pink and purple. She was out with her friend, for their daily morning jog at the park.

Tired after the jog, they had sat down and chatted awhile. Laughing and fooling around, he told her that he had something of outmost importance to tell her.

"What is it?" she asked soberly.

"Well...um...uh..." he was flushing beet red as he stammered. She merely smiled and looked expectantly. She knew what was coming, but feeling really perverse, didn't want to help him out.

He tried to continue again, "Uh...you know that I really like you, right?" this time it was more fluid, he was gaining confidence.

She looked down at the grass, weeding them out nervously. And then she looked up, blushing, and noded.

"Um, I was thinking... you know... since you're not attached to anyone at the moment...if you'd...you'd...uh...be my...uh...girl?"

"You mean, be your daughter?" she asked teasingly.

He punched her shoulders and ruffled her hair.

"No! Girlfriend!" he said out, laughing as he poked her ribs. And then he stopped, perhaps surprised that he had uttered that out.

They stared at each other.

"So now it's out" he says. She nods, "Yeah, it's out..."

"So how?" he timidly asked, not daring to look at her.

"Well..." she said, smiling up to him "..I really don't know... I like you well enough as a friend, but to take the next step? I really don't know..I don't know if it would work out or not, and in the end we might just end up grasping at nothing, no friendship, no relationship, and I really like the friendship that we have now..." she trailed off

"Why don't we give it a try then? Like if it doesn't work out, we'd still be friends. We'd always be friends, because we already have friendship, and no matter what happens, we'll always be friends." he tried to reassure her.

"But I'm not friends with my ex..."

"That's because there was never a friendship to begin with. There is now. We've known each other for, what, more than half our lives. We've seen each other through relationships after relationships. We know each other inside out. And you have to admit, there's attraction between the both of us, well, to put it cornily, there's love there, however little there might be" he said.

"Heh, that sounds cynical, Stan. Love, corny..." she laughed and then continued soberly "I guess we've both come to a point where we don't really believe in the power of love anymore, huh? We don't believe in the fluttery sensation in our stomachs, the neediness and the mooning around anymore, eh?"

They laughed.

"No, I guess not. I'm rambling, I know, but if there's anything that can actually resemble love without actually being love, then I'm in it. I can't believe I'm saying this, I feel like an idiot".

She smiled primly at him, and hugged her knees. "You're not" she said jauntily, and laughed. They were sitting in front of each other, hugging their knees together, shoes touching. "In fact," she continued, "I'd say that you've got excellent taste. Exquisite, if I may say so myself!"

He rolled his eyes and they both doubled over with laughter.

"Hey, Jen, are you seriously over the joe?" he asks, quite rightly, too.

"What do you think?" she asked back. He said nothing. "Hey, of course I'm over him! Like what? There wasn't even friendship to begin with, and love?" she scoffed "You can't possibly love someone you've just met. I deluded myself into thinking that I loved him when I didn't even like him to begin with. There's something something missing in him, perhaps it's the strength of character, decency. In fact..." she rolled her eyes "I can't even remember what he looks like."

He nods, satisfied. "And this guy, this other guy, the one you had a crush on? Boy, too many guys in your life, girl, and I intend to make myself the number one guy in yours if you'd let me!" he announces.

"That one I'll always love..." she teased. But stopped when he looked down "...as a brother and a friend. I'll always love and care for him, but only as that. Because, we're a lot better off as friends"

"That's a relief, but you didn't have to do that, you know?" he says, irritated.

"You'll just have to condend with that." she answered him flippantly. "But like you said, there are too many guys in my life, and it will always be that way. I've never given any relationships top priority, but you know that by now, are you willing to take the backseat to my activities and my friends?"

"Well...considering that we're both involved in the same activities, and share the same friends..." he looked at her meaningfully.

"Ah...but after this, then what? I might be going someplace else. I don't know, but I'm thinking of going to Ngee An next year. But if I stay, then it'll be someplace else, maybe to US, even, after the exams" she explains

"Then I'll follow you." he states matter of factly.

"I will follow youuuuu...follow you where-ever you may gooo..." he croons.

She laughed and then continued soberly. "That's not the way. You can't make your decisions based on mine. You can't plan your life around mine. You have your own destiny, I have mine. Some things can't be forced."

"Like love, huh?" he asked slowly.

"Like love." she said finally.

"So your answer is no?" he croaked.

She nods.

"Jawapan muktamad?" he tried to lighten the situation with humour. He's always like that, and that's one thing she had always liked about him, the ability to laugh at himself, and not take things too seriously.

"Um...talian hayat ke-dua, can or not?" she asks.

He looked up, hopeful, and took out his handphone. "Who do you want to call?" he joked. But it didn't quite hide the optimism that shone in his face.

"My mom. She'll have to pick me up..." she says.

"Aww...just because you said no doesn't mean that you don't have to drive yourself home in my car, okay? I know lah, you don't like driving..." he smilingly said.

She looks up, quizzical. "You mean...."

"Of course! We're still good friends, right? Everything is the same as before. But don't forget that I asked though. I respect you more for that. False hope is worse than despair, you know." he said, grinning up to her. "Here.." he threw the keys to his car to her "Catch!" and she caught it.

She thought about it. She could deny and deny, but there had always been an attraction between them, even when she was with her ex. And it wasn't because they were teased as the class couple, but because she genuinely liked him. There was mutual respect. She had known him for quite some time, known his attitude and conduct, watched him from afar, seen him work and worked together with him, and instead of getting tired of him after awhile, she was even more intrigued. He had something rare and special - a decency and character lacking in other guys. Moral fibre, perhaps. She always felt safe with him, because she knew that he would never hurt her by asking too much, nor let her hurt herself by giving too much, as Emily put it.

And they understood each other, even without words. They could see at eye level. She never had to explain herself to him.

"Um, you know what? I've changed my mind," she announced as they walked towards his car.

"About what?" he asked, confused. "Tonight's mamak session at Big Mug? You mean you don't want your weekly dose of carrot milk, and lots of it, too?"

"No, about us. Jawapan tak muktamad. I want to change my answer." she tells him.


=====

"She fills my heart, with very special things..."

His heart skipped a beat. Was she going to change her mind or was it just one of her quicksilver moods, where she said something only to change her mind the next day? She was notorious for that and for playing with words. Something about Humpty Dumpty, if he remembered correctly. Something about not saying what one means or meaning what one says or meaning what one wants to mean. She can be really confusing.

"I want to change my answer" she had said.

He wondered if she really meant it. Would she be able to love him as much as he loves her? She already told him that she didn't believe in love, only affection. Affection, bah! It was definately love, but call it whatever she wants, a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, so would love.

"Are you sure?" he asked, and then mentally kicking himself for asking. Thoughts nagged at the back of his mind.

What if she said no? What is she isn't sure? You've missed your chance, buster.

"Whaddoya think?" she asked, grinning.

Here's your chance, jump on it! She might just say no. Tell her that you think this is it.

"It doesn't matter what I think. It's up to you. In the end, it's up to you. You make your own decision" he told her.

Bummer, now she's going to think twice. Idiot!

"Hrm..." she smiled a teasing smile "...you make it sound so ominous. My decision... means that I cannot blame you for anything, eh?"

Oh no! Now you've done it! He kept quiet.

"Jawapan muktamad" she said with a beautiful smile on her face, shining eyes and all.

He'll never forget the the way she looked when she said that two words that made such a great impact in his life. Heck, he'll probably never forget the time [11.01 a.m.] or how green the grass looked, or even how beautifully the birds sang, and heaven smiling down on him. He was on top of the world.

He had noticed her since a long long time ago. Problem was, she was so wrapped up in the world of hers where popularity and superficiality was predominant, he didn't want to approach her. All the while he bidded his time. Had he approached her then she would have cut him dead in front of her friends, but behind their backs be nice to him, and he had more pride than to let himself be her 'dark secret'. And so he watched her go through life with her handsome blokes, pretending to be who she wasn't.

At one point he gave up. He got tired of her pretending to be the doll she wasn't. She had more to offer than that, he knew that, because her best friend was also his mate. He knew what Sam went through as her best friend, where in front of her 'popular' friends, she would pretend she didn't know him, but ran to him when she needed a friend. He had wondered why Sam let himself be treated the way she treated him.

Now he knew.

There was something about her, something magnetic. She was like a drug. You just want more and more of her. She was a puzzle, unpredictable, a contradiction. But she was vulnerable too, you just want to shelter her from being hurt, though she fights, oh boy, she fights for her independence, but there's something very endearing about her trying to prove that she can take care of herself. She can, but you just won't let her, because she can be very naive, and gullible. So idealistic, so visionary.

She had a depth of character about her. She was wine where the others were lemonade. There was an elusive quality about her, like a song half remembered. And courage as well as pride. How she could hold her head up high amidst accusations. How she would rant on and on about something, and then stop, realise her mistakes, and then pick up the pieces and move on.

And she could never endure cold. He and Sam used to joke that she got too much of the fire Prometheus stole from Zeus's hearth. And she was fire as well. Fire and Ice. They used to call her the 'Ice Queen' in school. Sometimes he has the urge to prick her veins to see if cold water gushes out, sometimes she can be too emotional to be true.

She was sensitive, but she's a consummate actress, managing to conceal that sensitivity in her. But it shows, it shines through her very conduct, her politeness and courtesy and her gentle strength. How she always puts others before herself. How she loves the children she works with. She was regal, there was pride in her bearing. There is something about her which hushes the whole room when she speaks with that soft voice of hers. Her silver laughter, ringing like bells on a moonlit summer's night.

And now she's agreed to be his girlfriend! He'll make her his wife one day. He doesn't care what she's done in the past, because he knows she'll never do it again. He'll take care for her for the rest of her life, spoil her like crazy and cater to her every whim and fancy. He never loved anyone the way he loved her, not even his first love.

She smiled that smile of hers. It was a promising smile, one that tantalises and offers promises of bliss.

And he knows, deep inside, that this was all he ever longed for. From that moment, he knew that life would never be the same again. Loving her would be pain and pleasure mixed together. Pain, because he'll never wholly have her, and pleasure because he'll have more of her than anyone else.

====

PS: Intro are lyrics to 'Love Story' by Andy Williams, if you don't already know.

Winter of my life

I sit in front of the computer in this icebox of a library as I type. Thoughts come and go, never stopping long enough to make an impression. I look around. Empty, save for a tudung-ed girl opposite me with that intense look in her eyes.

It's been months since I left home. Left that warm, cosy little nest and a hoarde of wonderful friends. And for what? A claustophobia inducing cubicle of a room and people whom I just can't seem to relate to?

It hardly seems worth it.

But then I remind myself to give them a chance... to give myself a chance. I cannot expect everything to be the same, cannot stop things from changing. Life is about change. Things change, people change, nothing remains constant. Perhaps the only constant thing in life is change.

Once upon a time, I looked forward to change. Once upon a time, I welcomed it. Change was something exiting, something new, something to explore, a jack in the box of surprises. But not anymore.

There is a climax to everything, a zenith from where everything after that goes downhill. Have I reached that peak?

I think not.

But why does everything seem to go downhill from here? Have I completely forgotten how to appreciate things? Have I lost that sense of adventure that was so ME, that was my identity? Has city life, and it's attitude of indifference eroded whatever sensitivity I had?

I'm just another person in the faceless and nameless crowd. Just another clone. Just another person trying to feel in a place where all your senses are numb and frozen.

Life seems white and barren. A vast, empty, white field that stretches beyond the horizon.

Welcome...

Welcome to the winter of my life.