What doesn't kill you...

... Only makes you stronger.

An adage that really takes the centrepoint in the movie Mongol. And what a beautiful depiction of how the human spirit blooms when challenged. The most poignant part of the movie is the part when Temudjin was asked why he did not fear the thunder (all mongols fear the thunder) and answered simply that he had no reason to fear from it because he had nowhere to hide from it.

What an inspirational film.

I want to do and achieve more. I want to have that satisfaction of a job well done, have a solid reputation as as someone who's damned good at whatever it is that I do. I want to be that maverick, that difference that makes all the difference.

I don't know how, or what I'm destined to do as of yet. But somewhere deep inside me, i just know that i'm gonna be allright, i'm gonna do good. I think sometimes it's okay to believe and be sure of the the macro future and yet be unsure about the micro of it. In the meantime, I'm going to learn all I can, grow and develop myself as much as possible. 

And maybe thats enough for now.

=)

It's been awhile. Really need to get into back into the habit of posting updates online.

I've recently started a written journal, yes, a diary like when i was a little girl, and have fallen in love with writing on paper... I just love to see the writing on paper. It's not perfectly formed, not the most beautiful script I've ever seen, but it's got personality. I love the way my handwriting somehow changes depending on the mood that I'm in when I write, love the fact that I can paste little momentos in there, like the a petal from the first rose that bloomed in my garden, the feather left on the birdhouse... that sort of corny things. Heh. 

Anyway, had a little 'dinner party' with Bansi today. It was wonderful seeing Bansi again after so long... just like the old times when we cooked together, went for walks and talked about anything and everything. I didn't realise how much I missed his company until today, but we've made a promise to see each other more often so fingers crossed that we'll keep to it. We made chickpea curry and vegetarian fried noodles and I baked a special eggless citrus cake for him. And bless his mum, she especially made my favourite dessert, seero halva, for him to bring over for me. I finished it in one sitting. Glutton, I am. 

It's also the first time he's seen our new house. Needless to say my favourite part is the awesome garden that we have. It's a reasonable size, AND it's got a greenhouse for me to grow all my fav ingredients like shiso, edamame and curry leaves! Not that I've planted any of them yet (soon!) but I do have some strawberry plants, two grape vines growing and two different types of tomato plants. The rest of the garden are just pretty pretty flowers like lavender and roses. Oh and I have a yellow ladybug that visits the garden sometimes. Random, but I've never seen yellow ladybugs before.

So it's been good, and I've been content and keeping myself busy tending to my garden at the back of the house. Pictures to follow soon-ish, I hope!

Do you know what you want?

I'm at a point in my life now where i seem to be questioning everything.

No wait, I've always been questioning what I want. I haven't gotten it figured out yet, and I really don't know.

I wish I was more like my husband. He's focused, such a go getter. A man with a plan who knows how to get where he wants and when he will get there and what he will do to get there. I really admire that about him.

Me, I'm driftwood. Everything in my life so far has been by chance.

I managed to get a scholarship to for a teaching degree, met my husband in uni, got married. When I was preparing for my wedding, I couldn't find shoes that fit me (such a Cinderella story), resorted to getting them made to measure at Jimmy Choo Couture, met the master himself, Jimmy and got a job there the very same day. After about a year, I was asked to join one of my clients, Lady Rothermere as her household/lifestyle manager/PA until I quit just before I had to go for a lumpectomy surgery. After the surgery, I was bored, went on gumtree for the first time, applied for the first job that caught my interest, and managed to get a freelance opportunity as Campaign Manager for Unruly Media.

All these, by sheer luck.

And now that I'm pausing to re-evaluate my life and figure out where to go from here, I don't know which direction to take.

Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. That whatever happens, happens. Another part of me thinks that if I fail to plan, I plan to fail (i know, it sounds so cliched).

Part of me thinks that it's such a shame to waste my TESL degree, after all, I did spend 6 years training to be a teacher and I loved every minute I spent teaching, but another part of me wants to explore new things. After all, how would I know teaching is really truly my passion if I don't try other things as well?

Is this wondering and not knowing what I want normal? Everyone I know seems so focused. They're heading somewhere, they're planning and inching their way to their goal. I don't even know where or what the goal is.

These days I'm spending my time cooking, baking, sewing and tending to my garden. Trying to become the perfect wife. And it's weird because I find this truly fulfilling. I still get very excited to see that my dough has risen, I love the smell of freshly baked bread, I love seeing my plants grow and then blossom. Is this quite sad? Have I become a recluse? Have I put the feminist movement back by 70 years by admitting that I actually enjoy domesticism?

Sometimes I think back and I wonder if it was a rash decision to marry and uproot to another country, knowing that I don't really have anyone here for me, knowing that I would have to depend on my husband quite a lot.

I've always been a confident, independent girl but now I feel a bit helpless. I seem to have somehow lost a bit of that confidence and independence. I need to get that back. I feel like i'm slowly shedding pieces of myself and losing my identity.

What I do know is that I consciously try to live my moments and do everything little the best I can. As Helen Keller has so succinctly put it, 'though I long to accomplish a great and noble task, it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble'. If it's my lot in life to iron shirts, rest assured they're gonna be the most well ironed shirts ever. Well if its worth doing, it's worth doing well.

Then again, I also sometimes think, I want to go back to teaching. I loved every minute at SK BUD and I still keep in touch with my students and teachers from the school. Would it be the same of I taught here though? Would I enjoy it as much?

I'm 26. I haven't done much to build a career. It just seems like an awful waste. As if I'm just an awful waste of talent and time and education.

When I was younger I was so gung-ho. Joined clubs, always tried to take up new things, wanted to be an activist, be the so called 'difference that made a difference'. There was no competition that I wouldn't participate it. When did I lose all that ambition and motivation? That carpe diem attitude? Where was that turning point that brought me where I am now? In a rut, disillusioned and unmotivated, hating where I am at the moment?

I just want to go back. Back home. Back in time. Back to what never was and probably is only in my head.

Can someone tell me how to get out of this rut?