I don't wanna grow up!

I'm scare myself with my addiction to frivolous spending.

Money flows out of my purse like water, seriously. I'm spending an average of £60 a week on nonsense, miscellaneus stuff that I don't really need.

Like last week I spent £15 on various baking apparatuses.

And some more on cutlery, cute teapots and some crystal wineglasses that I saw at Debenhams.

Why?

Cos theres no feel sipping Sauvignon Blanc from a glass. Or drinking Japanese tea from a mug either. Its gotta be Noritake. And for English teas, Wedgewood[oh gosh, I have a crush on that store, everythings so pretty]. I want to sleep in porthault sheets and use 3 ply tissues that feel like velvet.

I indulge myself too much!

I can't help it that I do.

And its *scary* when I think about the future. Can I afford to upkeep this kind of lifestyle I've been so used to? I'm probably spending more than I what I would earn.

I feel so shallow and materialistic sometimes. There's obviously more to life than the latest LV handbag, more to life than that BCBG dress I bought that costs more than a thousand dollars. This is crazy. I've only worn the dress ONCE.

Its stupid, really, come to think of it. How I can like something so so so much and would die die die to have it, and then get it, only to have it hang on my closet. The thrill lasts... um, a few weeks at most, and after that I start regretting. Like, shit, RM1 could save a Ugandan child's life, and I'm so selfish and shallow that I spend what would save like 1500 Ugandan children's lives on a dress I've only worn ONCE?

What if I continue being this selfish after I get married? What if I marry someone who can only give me a comfortable, but not luxurious life? Will I hold it against him? Be resentful when I think of all the things I've left behind and pine for them?

What if I spend my month's allowance for groceries and miscellaneus kids stuff on myself? I don't want to be a selfish mom who thinks only for myself and end up having my kids hate me when they grow up.

I'd like to think that I'd be a caring, supportive, self-sacrificing mom one day, and a gem of a wife my husband would be proud of... but I'm afraid I might not have it in me. I don't want to ruin another person's life. And getting married, having kids... its taking responsibility of more lives than my own.

It scares the living daylight out of me. Its a HUGE responsibility, and I'm not sure I'd ever be ready to shoulder that kind of responsibility. For one thing, I'm wayyyy too flighty.

*worry worry*

I'm gonna get wrinkles worrying about it.

Then for sure no one is gonna marry me.

Why am I thinking all these things?

Because one of my classmates just got married. And its not an "oops-oh-no-the-condom-broke" kind of shotgun wedding, its a marriage where the both of them really sat down and talked things through and decided, "yes, we want to take this step further, we will take the plunge, for better or for worse".

I respect that. But then again, Li Mei has always been a sensible, responsible girl and she's always been mature enough to handle this kind of stuff.

Me? I'm not ready!!!

Which was why I was totally speechless when he said we should get engaged before I left for UK... I had all these kind of thoughts. Like:

"Ooh, engagement! Diamond ring, wheee!"

"Ooh, celebrations, dress fittings, banquets... flowers...cards, champagne reception.. woohoohoo"

*starry eyes*

But on the other hand I was thinking:

"And what happens after all that fun and exitement? Its a totally different ball game - a whole new set of responsibilities that will come as someone's fiance"

So I thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it some more.

And decided that at 21, I just wasn't ready for that. And so I said no.

Then it comes to a point in a relationship where you either marry, or it just falls apart. I chose the latter.

The thing about long term relationships is that, well, you may recover from the person, but you never really recover from the relationship, can you?

It's like all those years, all those time and energy spent on it, wasted. Those time and energy that you could have been put to better use.

Even now I feel that I need to catch up with so many things I didn't get to do. It seems like I am living my life with such urgency to make up for lost time. Although I do know that I've learnt and experienced a lot through the relationship as well. But there were close friends I've dropped, things I missed out on because our relationship was more important.

It's not to say that I've sacrificed a lot, he has as well... but I guess you can't always have your cake and eat it too. *shrug*

I'm glad we're still friends. I'm glad we can still call each other and say hi. I'm glad I can still call him mom and ask for recipes and just chat.

Well wasn't that depressing? Lets talk about cheery things now. Dumdeedum, whats cheery?

Oh yeah, I played with my neighbour's doggie! It's so cute and it's name is Cola, as in Coca COLA. I've never had pets, save for transit pets [the kinds that my parents bought alive, so that they can kill it and cook it fresh].

I know, its sad.

I had a fish once, that my grandfather caught. A PinkCoralFish that was a wee bit too small to eat, so we put it in an aquarium. Everyday I'd feed it and talk to it (I used to be pretty lonely as a kid) and just watch it swim while thinking about stupid things like "how long is a fish's attention span?" because it would swim from one part of the aquarium to another, as if it's thinking "ooh, thats a new area I'd like to explore", and then when it reaches this end, looks at the other and thinks the same thing.

Alas one day, I came back to find my PinkCoralFish in a steamed dish, lying on a bed of tomatoes, garlic and ham choy [pickles mustardleaves].

I really couldn't bring myself to eat it.

But I still love eating fish though. Hehe.

Then there were 3 chickens my parents bought, and let loose in the garden. I would feed them and had loads of fun chasing them and having them chase me back sometimes [i was like, 6? small and not the least intimidating to the chickens *scrowl*]

Imagine my horror when one day my dad just took a knife and started slaughtering them. I was too traumatised, yet fascinated to cry. My dad slit their throat, and they actually walked around with their heads sort of like halfway hanging (think Nearly Headless Nick) and I could only stare, helpless and immobile, unable to do anything to save them. In the end I cannot tahan and cried as i took something to clobber them so that they die quickly. They were suffering!!!

Of course I didn't eat them la. How could I have eaten my only friends? It would have been cannibalistic. I swear we had a connection and understood each other perfectly without having to talk.

Hrmph!

I just realised one thing: ANIMALS LOVE ME.

No really. I haven't met a dog/cat that never liked me. They usually like to manja with me.
Prolly cos I love animals too.

When I was younger I wanted to be a VET. I remember writing super corny BM essays like "Cita-citaku" (my ambition) or "Aku seekor..." I wrote an essay on "Aku seekor ayam" (I'm a chicken, or rather, my life as a chicken) [insert bad puns and lame jokes here] and accounted my chicken's experience - which my teacher thought was funny but disturbing and had to talk to my parents about]

I remember studying really hard to get my straight A's in PMR to that I could get into Convent's Science steam [very competitive, ok?] so that I could be a vet. Filling out those forms where you had 3 choices of jobs you wanted to do. I've wanted to be so many things: soldier, bomba (firemen), police, doctor, pilot, nurse, writer, poet, prime minister, canteen makcik... Yes, its true. And my teacher had to tactfully tell me that a most of the choice occupations I wanted were predominantly dominated by men... and I remember thinking, "So?".

But every year, one of them was to be a vet.

Funny I never recalled putting in "teacher" but there you go, you always end up doing things you never expect yourself to do.