From: Vysia Yong
Date: Thu, Mar 31, 2005 at 12:34 AM
Subject: God, you were right...
Being in the city does things to you. Monstrous things. It eats into
your soul and leaves an emptiness inside. The thing is its so subtly
done that you don't notice it. And even if you do, you push it aside..
thinking that you're just trying to accomodate yourself to your
surroundings.
Get out of the city, if you will. Don't let it erode whats essentially
you. I think its done that to me, as much as I try to fight against
it. And sometimes fighting against what you think is wrong, or even
for what you stand for, is tiring, and you just wanna give up and let
yourself be swept away.
I didn't realise how much being in KL has changed me until i came
across this thing I've written in my e-journal in 2002. Thats 3 years
ago. I wish I could be like that again. I wish I could be as
idealistic. But that would mean that I'd be just as naive. You can't
have one without the other. I saw a group of kids just now, there's
just something about watching children laugh which is so
unpretentiously pure. I don't want to lose that bit of me, that
innocence. But then I realised that I've lost that a long time ago. Or
maybe I haven't. Maybe its hiding somewhere inside of me, too afraid
to come out, because I should be acting all grown up now.
Here it is, the entry:
==================
Subject: Winter of my life
I sit in front of the computer in this icebox of a
library as I type. Thoughts come and go, never
stopping long enough to make an impression. I look
around. Empty, save for a tudung-ed girl opposite me
with that intense look in her eyes.
It's been six months since I left home. Left that
warm, cosy little nest and a hoarde of wonderful
friends. And for what? A claustophobia inducing
cubicle of a room and people whom I just can't seem to
relate to?
It hardly seems worth it.
But then I remind myself to give them a chance... to
give myself a chance. I cannot expect everything to be
the same, cannot stop things from changing. Life is
about change. Things change, people change, nothing
remains constant. Perhaps the only constant thing in
life is change.
Once upon a time, I looked forward to change. Once
upon a time, I welcomed it. Change was something
exiting, something new, something to explore, a jack
in a box of surprises.
But not anymore.
There is a climax to everything, a zenith from where
everything after that goes downhill. Have I reached
that peak?
I think not.
But why does everything seem to go downhill from here?
Have I completely forgotten how to appreciate things?
Have I lost that sense of adventure that was so ME,
that was my identity? Has city life, and it's attitude
of indifference eroded whatever sensitivity I had?
I'm just another person in the faceless and nameless
crowd. Just another clone. Just another person trying
to feel in a place where all your senses are numb and
frozen.
Life seems white and barren. A vast, empty, white
field that stretches beyond the horizon.
Welcome...
Welcome to the winter of my life.
===========================
Please don't mind me, I just need to pour it all out...
I'll stop. Promise.
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