Burnt Out

Just too tired.

I don't know how much longer I can take this anymore.

Much as I love teaching, it's beginning to seem to be the most physically and emotionally draining job ever. The lesson plans, the teaching aids, the reflections, action research, the extra-curricular activities... everything. I'm stretched so thin I'm reaching breaking point.

4 hours of sleep every night, that if I'm lucky, what with the noise from the construction of the Zehn apartments keeping me up. What the hell - why use heavy, noisy machinery in the middle of the night? I'm surprised that the other residents in Bukit Pantai aren't complaining - but they're probably cozily cocooned in their air-conditioned, sound-proof nests to be bothered.

We have to write detailed lesson plans. Every step of the way. One lesson plan takes at least 2 hours to write, and an hour to execute. We're expected to have teaching aids, realia, interesting, colourful stuff to keep the students engaged - thats all good, if, we can afford the time and the money spent on all those things. Sometimes it seems like we're not training to be teachers, we're being groomed to be entertainers.

This black hole of a teaching practise is slowly but surely sucking me in. It's rare that I get to spare the time to go out with my friends, I can't afford to eat out anymore because all my resources are diverted into my teaching aids and whatnot (I'm not allowed to cook - so its maggi mee every night, and I'm really really sick of it). What wouldn't I give to have a decent conversation with an adult?

I can't do this anymore. I'm tired, broke, frustrated. We're expected to survive on RM265 a month. And we all know how far that can go. That amount can't even last me a week, what with the taxi fares from Bangsar to Bandar Utama, to and fro everyday, the amount of things I have to spend on for my materials and teaching aids. My funds are fast running dry and it's not as if I've been spending extravagantly. And here's me, refusing help from my mum, because well, she's still got to put my sister and brothers through college.

I'm not surprised if anyone wants to break the contract and leave now. I'd encourage them to go for it, in fact. Because sometimes it seems like we're fighting a losing battle, sometimes it seems that all our efforts are in vain, and the very people who should be trying to help and back us up, are determined to make our lives difficult and miserable.

This 2 months teaching has been an eye opener, and much as I want to contribute and do something for the country, I need to think about myself as well. I can't go on like that. There are other ways of doing contributing, other means of making a difference.