Happy birthday, Sarky

When you know its love, and when it's not

You know it's love when he leans over to push the strand of hair that the wind blew into your eyes.

You know it's love when he lets you have the last 'Loh Mai Kai' in the shop - and when the guys are teasing him about the 'sacrifice'

You know it's love when he takes off his sweater for you - even if it means that he'll die of hypothermia.

You know it's love when he walks with you across the town, pushing his bike, because you forgot to bring your helmet.

You know it's love when he calls to ask for homework, although he knows that you never pay any attention in class.

You know it's love when he steals glances at you in class, and the teacher notices.

You know it's love when he let's you practice for the driving test in the brand new Camry he got for his birthday.

You know it's love when he wouldn't let anyone else, except you, touch the car, even if he knows that you're an incompetant driver.

You know it's love when he sings Mr. Big's "Just To Be With You" for you in the middle of the badminton court - in the rain.

You know it's love when he calls at night and finds out that you're not feeling well, and the next thing you know, he's there in your room, holding 2 panadol tablets and telling you to go to sleep - everything will be allright in the morning.

You know it's love when he chats with you non-stop on ICQ, on the phone, and e-mails you ceaselessly. And after the phone call, cycles from one taman away just to accompany you for walks.

You know it's love when you both can't say goodbye at night, and fall asleep on the phone, because you're both so tired.

You know it's love when he plucks the orchids in the school - and gets into trouble with the headmistress for it.

You know it's love when he breaks up with his girlfriend because he likes you more, even if you've had a boyfriend at that time.

You know it's love when he accompanies you down to KL to meet up with your then boyfriend, and gets angry when the boyfriend isn't already there waiting when you reach,

You know it's love when he gets you sunflowers, because it reminded him of you as The Flowergirl in Form 3.

You know it's love when he tells you that he first liked you because you tried to sell him sunflowers - at RM10 per stalk.

You know it's love when he actually bought 5 stalks and sent it anonymously to you.

You know it's love when he says that he doesn't care what you've done in the past - he's wiped the slate clean and what matters is here and now...and the future.

And you know it's love when he says he's willing to wait another 2 years for you to decide.

But...

You know it's not love when you cannot imagine a future with him.

You know it's not love when you wish someone else was as sweet as he is.

You know it's not love when you cannot bring yourself to love him as much as you've loved someone else.

You know it's not love when you worry about breaking his heart, but know that in the end, you'll have to.

You know it's not love when you think that you can learn to love someone, but in your heart of hearts know that you can never learn to love him as much as you loved someone else.

You know it's not love when you don't want him to wait 2 more years, because even after am eternity, you know that you'll never really love him.

* * *

Relationships are tricky.

Can you be in a relationship with someone who absolutely adores you and treats you like a princess, when you don't reciprocate the feeling? When you think of him just as a big brother, or a good friend who's always been there for you?

Would you be happy in that sort of relationship where you're loved so much. Yet somehow feel terrible that you don't return the feelings... but at the same time, you selfishly want him to continue putting you on that pedestal, because you've grown dependant on him, because you don't want to lose him.

Women are complicated.

When we love someone, we want them to care for us, we want them to worry about us, we want to know that we're constantly on their minds. We want them to hold our hands, be there to protect us from that big bad world out there, although we're armed with peppersprays and whatevernots in our handbags, and are quite capable of taking care of ourselves.

But when we don't, their care is seen as coddling, their concern would be very 'merimaskan', we think of them as sentimental fools when they tell us that we're constantly on their minds. We'd find excuses not to be so touchy-feely, and would prefer to use our pepper-sprays on them instead.

Ironic, innit?

But the thing is, can you force yourself to love someone who loves you? For security, because should anything happen to you, they'd still be there to take care of you, come hell or high water.

I can't. I'd feel horrible for stringing him along like that... and so I let him go. Because he deserves to be loved more than I ever could love him. But to be loved like that... was one of the most wonderful experience ever.

And for your birthday, Sarky... more I cannot wish you than to wish you find your love, your own true love this day.