I'm kinda depressed actually.
And I have no reason to, really. Life's been so incredibly good and fulfilling and all that. I've been so busy doing stuff, meeting people, going out and spending time with friends.
Like yesterday for instance.
A day trip to Looe and Porpello with friends and housemates and my Malaysian lecturers who came to visit... I had a great time.
Then there was that was a delicious buka puasa dinner with Tuan Hj Kamar and Mr Ng hosted by Allen, Shin Yee and me. We had a good time there, talking about the our old college, exchanging news, exploring career options that we may want to take up later and all that.
After that I accompanied Gabby to the SUB for a drink and we met two really cool guys there and invited them back for coffee and cake. Got to know that they lived just opposite our house and today one of the guys, Maurice, having known that I like reading, gave me a book. That was really really nice of him. And Abe promised to cook peanut butter soup for us one of these days.
It was regular weekly badminton game with the guys this morning again, coffee and cake for breakfast and also had lunch together and loads of laughs. After they left, Gabby brought another 2 friends of hers from Portugal over for coffee and pie. I got to know more people. And we decorated our common room.
Bansi comes over almost daily for dinner and we go for walks every night.
All these should be enough to make me happy, right?
After all, wasn't this what I wanted?
To have friends all around, have a busy social diary, and not be lonely?
But I'm not. There's something missing.
I'm still restless, I'm still searching.
But for what?
I don't know what I want.
Well not really. I want too many things. I can't decide on what I want.
I want to travel the world. See new things, meet new people, experience difference cultures, be free and not be tied down to anyone or anything.
But at the same time, I also want to settle down with a secure job, have a husband who loves me and a happy family thats really close knit and have friends all around me as well.
But I also want a high flying career, something um, haha, glamourous, like some CEO of something something something or some GM of some huge luxury shoe company like Ferragamo (staff discount! wahhh!) or Chanel [well a girl can dream, can't she?]
Too many wants.
Too many dreams.
Not enough willpower.
-sigh-
I wish someone would just hold my hand and guide me through life. Because although I do seem like I can do it alone, I'd rather not. Because I'm scared, because I'm hesistant. I'm afraid of how the decisions that I make today will affect what my life will be tomorrow. And it would be nice to have someone there, just to be there, to face the rough patches with, and to laugh over the panice moments when its over, and to smile at the good times with, enjoying the ride together.
Sometimes I wonder, how much of life is our own making, and how much is preordained, destiny? And if I actually let someone else make the decisions I am supposed to make for myself, am I forfeiting my own responsibility to myself? Its so easy to turn around and point the finger at someone else and say that it's their fault when the fault lies in ourselves for making the decision to let others make the decision for us in the first place isn't it?
Life gets more and more complicated as the days go by. There are more and more things to worry about. Immediate things like bills and cleaning and budgeting, long term things like investments, carreer and family, it's just so overwhelming.
Its not a wonder people are allowed to drink and smoke once they turn 18. Being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I'd rather worry about finishing my homework for tomorrow than those phone bills of over £100 awaiting payment by next week.
I wish the I was still 11.
Old enough to think for myself, but young enough to enjoy everything childhood has to offer.
2 comments:
no, your life is your own. it's just more comforting to have someone accompany you down whichever road you choose.
oklah, depending on what you believe, even if there is a Hand steering you onto certain paths, nothing productive can come from blaming the Hand kan?
you know you can't do everything at once. can't have one foot on different paths.
but what you can do, is avoid staying too long once dissatisfaction sets in along whichever road you take. you can't control what is thrown at you, but you sure can control whether or not you want to "siam" any further crap thrown on that path.
never stay unhappy too long. that's a choice you can control.
big hugs for you, cos you're wiser than most. =)
Sometimes there are things that fellow humans, be it friends or a loved one or even those who are the very closest to you, can never be able to fulfil no matter what: I will tell you of some examples at a later time.
Personally I believe that our lives are dictated by our own choosing; that we make our own destiny. But also that there is Someone out there who is willing to step in if you feel that it all is too much to handle.
Don't worry too much about the far future, there's a reason why I told you that I usually only plan for at the most a few years. Because as time grows, so does the room for uncertainty. Even then do not plan in too much detail and expect it all to play out perfectly, because really anything can throw a spanner into your plans.
*hugs*
Man, I sound like I'm lecturing.. :p
Post a Comment