God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

the courage to change the things I can change...

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

Sayang

Was showing my students how to do sit-ups for their Ujian Kecergasan when I heard a cracking sound and felt a sharp pain in my chest.

That was when I remembered that my ribs still hasn't mended from the accident.

It scared the hell out of me. Especially when I couldn't move.

The poor kids. I must've scared them half to death.

They were crying, "Miss Yong, you ok? Miss Yong... Miss Yong... Miss Yong?" I just managed to smile briefly and asked them to help me get up.

I looked at their concerned little faces and was really touched. Then I joked that I was getting old, which seemed to diffuse the situation a little bit...

Ah well.

I seriously sayang my students la. Anyone would, they're such a lovable bunch. Even Lau, our new temp teacher, said that they managed to worm their way into his heart. Such sweet kids.

I tend to dote on the naughtier ones more though. The ones who gives me the most problems, the ones the other teachers just roll their eyes at the mention of their names.

There was once a lesson went awry and I had to leave the class to cry because I was just so angry and frustrated (I know, so unprofessional - but I was PMSing as well) and the kids actually came up to me and said sorry. I was so embarrassed - they weren't supposed to know!

Even more surprisingly, my 'samseng' boys from Standard 6 somehow managed to get wind of it and came up to me saying, "Teacher, you cried ah? Nevermind, next time anyone disturb you, you tell us ok? We settle for you". So cute!!! Obviously I didn't say that to their faces la, must pei mein a bit - so I just said thank you and assured them I was ok.

It's the knowing that I've rubbed off on them, that they also love and care about me... little things like that that makes it all worthwhile. Yes, there are times when kids will be kids, sometimes they drive me up the wall and through it. There are times when sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. Times when I just want to throw in the towel.

But for all the bad, there are also times when I feel like I'm flying high. I love teaching them, doing activities together, I love seeing the light finally dawn on them when they finally get something that they have struggled to understand... that's what makes it all worth it.

They're growing up so fast! Too fast. I want them to stay they way they are forever. Sometimes I feel so protective over them - I don't want them to get hurt. I want to protect them from all the challenges that life will probably throw at them. But I know I can't. All I can do is to help them learn the skills they need to cope, build their character and help them prepare for whatever life throws at them.

I wonder if it's normal to feel like that. Could it just be one of the phases that new idealistic teachers go through? Could it be because they're my first batch of students? Would I turn indifferent after a long time in the profession like some of the teachers I've met? Am I being too idealistic?

I don't know. I have no answers. Just tons of questions swimming in my mind.

All I know is that I damn sayang them.

Headhunted

I've been getting some offers lately from some private institutions.

I could teach in a private school, or even be a lecturer at a college if I want... I can have all these before I even get my degree.

Which makes me wonder... what kind of standards do these institutions have?

Yes, I went to Marjon and am potentially getting a very prestigious degree from Exeter University. But I don't have it yet... I haven't even proven myself in this career. And to be offered such a position with such great pay and benefits without having to do anything is mind-boggling.

Just because someone has a degree doesn't make them good at what they do. Training, experience, and the willingness to go the distance is what makes someone good at what they do. Not a piece of paper. And while that piece of paper proves that you have gone through the gruelling demands that life in uni has placed upon you, it isn't enough...

Don't get me wrong, I am flattered to be sought after. I am glad to receive such offers. But the whole incident kind of brings out a niggling doubt in me about the credibility of these private institutions. What quality of education that they are providing for their students, if they accept, and seek after just about anyone with a relevent degree, sans training to teach their students?

Anyway, I've turned down the offers.

Because I believe in giving back what has been given to me. In helping those who need it most. In being the difference that makes the difference. Who, what, where would I be today had all the amazing teachers who taught me back in my primary and secondary days selfishly left our schools for a fatter paycheck and better benefits? The really good ones stay in service, because they know that now, more than ever, theres a need for dedicated, committed teachers to nurture our young ones... especially those who need it the most in our public schools.

I am attached to a school where the students come vastly different socio-economic backgrounds. There are the very rich students who have everything they want, and there are also kids from squatter areas surrounding Bandar Utama. I love my students all the same, but I find that I worry less about the rich kids than I do about my less fortunate kids because I know that they have a support system and don't really need me, because I know that they're grounded, they're allright.

I worry more about my less fortunate students. I try to be there for them more, because some of them come from abusive backgrounds, or are generally neglected because they've got busy parents and/or too many siblings. And with no one there to guide them, to instill values and generally nurture their personalities and build their characters, I worry that they will lose their way and get into trouble, because they don't know any better. Which is why I try to develop their self-worth, to emphasise the importance of having 'maruah diri', and to never do anything that they, their parents, or anyone who care about them, would be ashamed of.

And who better to do it than teachers? I cannot think of any single other profession with such power to make such a difference in not just the lives of others, but also the future of a society and nation.

I've been given so much, been blessed with such wonderful people around me, who have helped me and groomed me to realise my potential to be all that I can be.

I think it's about time that I do my part and give something back and do the same for others.

moments like these...

Last night, my housemates and I stayed up until the wee wee hours in the morning trying to finish up our action research proposal.

I can't remember how long it's been since we've sat together on the floor like that, heavy lidded but determined to finish up our work. Since we've started our teaching practise, we've been missing some dorm members and I only realised how much I missed them yesterday, when we just sat there and sang old old songs to keep ourselves awake.

I'll miss these moments.

Nevermind we don't have clean water to bathe in, much less drink. Nevermind the fact that the dorms are so overcrowded that we have to double deck our beds just so that we have some room to navigate around the room. Nevermind that we only have one working toilet and one working bathroom shared between 16 people.

Nevermind all that. Because we're happy.

I love the way we're always there for each other. How they tolerate my 'berkemban-ing' in a sarong all the time because it's so bloody hot and I can't stand it. Nevermind that one of us happens to be a 'gropist' who can't resist rounded breasts on display. I'm just amazed at how we manage to live together in relative harmony (save for squabbles involving the toilet and bathrooms) and how we tolerate each other's little quirks and idiosyncrasies.

I will miss all that when we finish our final year and go our own separate ways.

. . .

I wish that everything would remain the way they are.

But I know, I have to let go. For now, I'll write this down so that I will always remember moments like these.

My Life as Miss Yong

Came back to Malaysia (even more pokai then when I went), and had to go to school for practicum the next day...

BUD (4) is great! I love the school, the teachers are so nice and cooperative, and the students are just so lovable!

I never thought I'd enjoy teaching so much, but the more I do it, the more I feel like, "i'm meant for this, this *is* my calling". It sounds so corny and so uncool though.

I remember in secondary school, no one (at least none of my friends) ever put 'teacher' as an ambition. People wanted to be CEOS, get into PR, be journalists, own their own businesses - jobs that were more glamourous and definately paid very well. To say that you wanted to be a teacher would probably incite derision and lots of teasing from peers.

But as fate would have it, I landed on a scholarship to read Teaching English as a Second Language at Marjon in UK. Hated it at first, rebelled like mad, but ended up joining them when I couldn't beat them. And when I finally accepted it, I began to like it. And now, there's so much joy in teaching that I can't imagine doing anything else.

I've learnt so much. Not just from the 6 years of training that I've had, but also from my students, my co-operating teachers and supervisors. Sharon Bakar, my moderator, has been so helpful and I can't help but be so motivated to try my best and help my children as best I can.

It's only been a month that I've been in that school, but it feels like i've been there forever. The easy familiarity with the teachers, the students hanging out at my table during free periods, the ups and downs that working with people bring. And I've become a better person because of it.

For one, I'm a lot more patient. Dealing with 43 hyperactive year 1 students really does develop that aspect of your personality. In my first week, I was so angry I almost tied a student to his chair and went to that class armed with masking tape to threathen them to be quiet. But now I've learnt how not to lose my temper and how to turn things around so that, well, if they won't be able to sit still and be quiet, I'm determined that the noise and movement they make will be productive noise - which would usually involve action songs like 'c-o-c-o-n-u-t' and 'a-p-p-l-e', so that they learn their alphabets at the same time get to move around and have fun.

The upper primary is a different ball game altogether. Like Adam and Eve after they've taken a bite from the tree of knowledge, the children are more and more aware of their gender differences. Boys and girls become segregated - their bodies are changing and they're ashamed of it. Just the other day, I did sports with the Year 5 students, and the girls were holding their t-shirts away from their chests. I was wondering why, and it finally dawned upon me that they were ashamed of their budding breasts.

I sat all the girls down around me and told them what was happening and how they ought to be proud they were becoming women. And I was shocked that some of the girls were never told about these things. Not by their mothers, and definately not by their other teachers. Why? They ought to be informed about whats happening to themselves, so that they accept these changes. And then I spoke to the boys. About how to be men, and things that I wish sometimes most grown men were taught when they were younger. About respecting women, and people in general, no matter who they are... (I caught one boy being rude to the cleaner and gave him hell for being disrespectful), because people matter and they have feelings, no matter what station they are in life.

Perhaps its too late with most men of my generation, but I hope its not too late for theirs. Or at least, these boys that I'm teaching. I've noticed a change in the classroom. They're more respectful towards each other. Groupwork is no longer gender biased, the girls no longer complain about the boys and vice versa. There's no more 'boys-against-girls' atmosphere in the classroom anymore. And it's such joy to teach a class like that (classroom management is so much easier when there's no protests about who being in which group).

Maybe I aim too high. I don't merely want to teach them the contents of the curriculum - I want to develop their characters, I want them to 'sek chou yan' (learn how to be people). In a way, I am disillusioned with our society - I don't agree with the way we treat each other sometimes.

Whatever.

I will strive to make things better - if not for me, then for others.

Some time ago, a teacher taught my class a poem. Desiderata, by Max Ehrmann. It was a lesson that I would never forget. I asked for a copy, and pasted it in my diary, and promised myself that I apply those principles in my own life.

Next week, I will pass it on.

I'm far from perfect - I have done things I'm not proud of... but I'm learning, and trying to be the best I can be.

* * *

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.